So, there was a party at my house....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AppleCori, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    While we were out of town!

    19yo was staying at our house, watching the dogs...

    and apparently hosting a party the very day we left!

    Of course, he assured his dad that he wouldn't have any parties.

    And dad was so sure.

    It was quite obvious when we pulled in and the lawn mower was sitting out front.

    I'm sure you are assuming that 19yo was going to surprise us by mowing the lawn, but NO, that was not what happened. Still don't know why it was sitting out.

    19yo hasn't been in contact since we returned.

    19yo has now officially achieved difficult child #2 status.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter did the same exact thing. We took the two younger kids to a waterpark and meant to stay two nights.Daughter was at home alone, on her word she'd not let anyone else inside and she'd watch the dogs. We came home early and when we opened the door a big drug party was going on.

    They sure think alike, don't they?
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  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    You show trust, they take advantage of it. You don't show trust, they complain about you not trusting them. Trust, its the easiest thing on the planet to destroy and the hardest thing to build. Sorry this happened to you.
  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Happened to us, too. Slow learners that we are? It happened to us, twice.

    It was son both times. Daughter did strange things? But she has never been disrespectful in those kinds of biting, nasty ways that seem typical of our kids once drugs are involved. So, here is a story: A new nurse's aide had come onto the floor. When she learned my last name? The most incredible, disbelieving expression came over her.

    So, I learned that she had been at that last party and it had been quite the talk, at the time. She described my house, my yard, and etc.

    And that happened years and years after that party.

    How are you handling it, applecori?


    The first party, we did all the usual things.

    The second party, D H made son leave.

    It was cigarette burns in the carpeting in our bedroom that made D H see red. He was infuriated at who might have been in our bed, tossing cigarettes onto the carpeted floor.

    The carpeting was white.

    I think D H suspects son.

    D H believed son was stealing from us, too. I never believed that one, either.


    D H probably was right. I cannot put the pieces together; it could not be that my son would do any of this. So, into denial I go.

    That is why we have to stand up to this in the beginning. No denial allowed.

    I wish I had been stronger. I never believed any of what was happening. How strange.

    But that is a piece, I now believe, of why I continue to see my son especially as the child he was instead of as the man he is.

    I just can't bear to know what happened.

    All those terrible things did happen.

  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Typical teens do the mice will play while the cats away. There are drugs and booze at those as well. It would appear it is a right of passage thing.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry he broke his word and your trust. Very cowardly to be gone when you got back and to stay gone/out of touch.
  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Very cowardly and very stupid. I wasn't a social butterfly growing up. Hell, I doubt I was even a blip on the radar of the popular kids or the party kids but even I knew what houses had the parties and which to avoid!
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Typical teens do the mice will play while the cats away. There are drugs and booze at those as well. It would appear it is a right of passage thing.

    I do agree that it could be a 'rite of passage thing' in his mind. Be the 'big man'.

    But I don't agree that it is a typical teen thing.

    His dad talked at length about why he couldn't have people over while we were gone.

    19yo claimed he wouldn't want to have a party in his childhood home, it would be disrespectful, his friends would be creeped out, they have much cooler places to party, our neighbor is one of his/his friends former high school teachers (and yes, she told us what went on as he knew she would), he wanted dad to trust him, blah, blah, blah...

    He even told me a couple of days before we left, don't worry, I won't have any parties while you are gone. I didn't even ask, preferring to leave all that stuff between he and his father. He just reassured me out of the blue.

    And yet, the party happened THE VERY DAY WE LEFT.


    A bunch of those red "Solo" cups in packages were on the counter, still sitting there when we got back.
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Ug. The lack of respect is so hard to stomach. I don't mind when a kid screws up. I mind immensely having them lie to my face.
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  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    How do you know it was planned by your son?

    The reason I ask is... the partiers find out when a teen is going to be home without parents for a few days, and they just show up at the door with all the supplies.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member


    I work in an upper income school district. I float between 4 high schools. One of the hs is an early college, elite, only top 10% academically get in,and are your stereotypical nerds. They have been known to throw a bash when the parents go out of town.

    Your son's voluntary spiel about trust me, trust me was a red flag moment.
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  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I brought that up to hubby--maybe the friends found out that we were going to be gone that week and brought all the stuff for an impromptu party.

    But, other than the boat being gone, which is not uncommon on a Saturday, none of the friends would know we were going to be gone for an extended period of time. 19yo lives with his mom, so he would have had to inform them.

    And why would he go out of his way to inform them that we were going to be gone, unless there was a reason. Like a party.
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Yes, its the lack of respect that is so troubling.

    And the lying.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Your son's voluntary spiel about trust me, trust me was a red flag moment.[/QUOTE]

    Yes, sadly.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    You know, maybe the worst part is that it seems that he didn't particularly care if we found out. Not 100% sure on this, but its either that or he is so lazy that he couldn't be bothered to clean up properly.

    I mean, he put all the beer cans and rum bottles and solo cups in the garbage. And then didn't bother to put the garbage out. It could have been long gone.

    Didn't bother to get out the spackle and fill in the holes (3 fairly small ones) in the stairwell.

    Or clean up the red sticky stuff from the floor.

    And on and on.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I didn't really trust her, but she said she's quit drugs (for the tenth time) and had been acting more compliant so I'm
    I'm not shocked, but not all kids do this. The only one who did was Princess. My kids didn't party when I was home or not and were pretty quiet. Bart tells me he didn't have his first drink until his 20's, which I believe. Goneboy still doesn't drink let alone do drugs. Princess was into drugs so sh e threw parties when we didn't know it and there was always evidence. It is hard to cover up a party bash. Jumper and Sonic...nada. Jumper's in college and still doesn't drink or do drugs and has never been in trouble in her nineteen years.

    I think it's a red flag that he was warned so sternly and didn't listen. It was disrespectful and an Easy Child would have cared enough not to do least not this time when he'd been warned...Easy Child tend to respect their parents. Doesn't mean they never do a nything dumb or wrong, but not when it is addressed like this was. And I'm assuming t here are other warning signs going on, not just this and that he did not act very sorry. I c ould be wrong. I wasn't there.

    Lots of kids partied when I was young too, but I never did. Not once did I ever throw a party at my parent's house.

    It is dangerous to think "they all do it" when justifying a person's behavior. It is better to deal with the behavior that was wrong so that the adult child knows this can never happen again in his parents house. If the parents think "They all do it" not only are they wrong, but they minimize the lack of trust and immaturity of their deeds. If this kid is newly in college, it could be a warning sign that he isn't handling that freedom so well.

    And maybe not, but I don't like "they all do it." That is wrong.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am not saying they all do it. I'm just saying that out is not an exclusive
    D C issue.

    I hate typing on a cell. It not out.
  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Been there... On the party-throwing side. I managed to keep it fairly under control, however, and if my parents ever found out, they didn't say anything...

    BUT - I never trusted Belle alone with the house! LOL
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, you are right on this. If it becomes chronic behavior or goes along with other worrisome behaviors it is more of a problem, but, yeah, you're right. Some nice kids have done it. It's not exclusive to DCs. So you are right there, pasjes4 and I hope you are doing well today. I know your plate is full right now too and am holding good thoughts in my heart for you.
  20. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah, Apple, I remember it well. Our Difficult Child even added: HA, how could he ever have a party in our nasty house? It would just be too embarrassing.

    So, he was able to get a mean dig in while lying to us. Cool, huh?

    One neighbor told us later that she saw a guy about our age at the time (obviously the father of one of the party goers) bringing a case of beer to our house that afternoon.

    husband and I felt like fools. Already, by then (Difficult Child was 18 or 19), we should have known better. We really wanted to believe him. plus, we wanted to take the trip.