Hey guys,
I just noticed this thread. Thank you.
I am doing OK I guess. I am trying. I think it is all becoming more real for me as each day goes on. I think I cry every day now about H., where before I did not cry for days.
Each moment it seems my reality of losing H. is becoming more crystal clear - and yet there are a zillion moments where I keep myself busy enough that I do not think of her.
Today at work, this kiddo, maybe 27, asked me how I was. It threw me for a loop. Out of the 80 people that I work for, he is one of 2 that has asked me that. I almost started to cry, but I didn't. I am not sure if it is a blessing or a curse that my co-workers are so disconnected from other's lives. However, most of the time I, myself, walk around very disconnected from my reality.
The worst part is not knowing why she died. We know how, just not why, or how the episode unfolded. You do not drown when you know how to swim unless you want to, or someone helps you. The cops could care less. It was a missing person case, and now that they know she died, they have dismissed the entire thing as an "accident". How do you accidentally drown in a pond no deeper than 8 ft unless you want to, or someone helped you? This is what keep me awake at night.
Anyway, thanks again for asking. I am OK, other than feeling disconnected from the real world that orbits around me (and intermittently surprised by razor sharp grief that surpasses any sorrow I have ever felt).