step parents and ODD - help!

[Liahona]

I can see why Chris won't want you to discipline. He is probably scared of you getting hurt. I can also see how their relationship isn't going to improve while Chris steps in to help you.

This hits home to me. husband and difficult child 1 got along ok until difficult child 1 started raging. difficult child 1 has tried to kill his siblings, he would hit men (husband) where it would hurt the most, throw chairs across the room bigger than he was (he was 4 years old). At the same time difficult child 1 rejected any love from husband. He went from a happy liitle boy who would follow husband around and copy him to a screaming raging destructive boy who wouldn't let husband even pat him on the head let alone hug him. husband would not take the advice of the therapists and back off. The therapists tried to get husband to do fun things with difficult child 1, but husband wouldn't. He felt like I was to soft on him, that difficult child 1 was "running over the top" of me, that difficult child 1 was dangerous, plus difficult child 1 reminded husband of kids that would torment him while husband was little. husband no longer likes or loves difficult child 1. I am considering divorcing husband (there are other issues as well, but this is a big one), I try to keep them apart and can do it mostly. I don't trust husband to parent difficult child 1 in the manner difficult child 1 needs. If anyone had told me this would be the case when the rages started I would've said they were nuts. I would never have married husband if I didn't feel he would love difficult child 1 it is a situation that has slowly developed over 7 years. The kicker is now difficult child 1 is acting much better but husband won't see it. He won't forgive the years of gfgness. How you two handle this situation might be different than others would. Your difficult child is bigger than you. You need to address Chris' fear about your safety. You also need to address the relationship issue between Chris and difficult child.

I got my difficult child 1 in to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because we are very poor and can use Medcaid. When he left for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he wasn't as aggressive as your difficult child. Chris' other post said you were having money troubles. Is this route into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) something you could look into? Or is this still not an option because of ex-mother in law?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Can you recommend any books, websites to help us get started with this?

PM me. I won't post our details on-line.
We didn't find any books - and it was more "one paragraph here" and "a sentence there" from hundreds of hours of prowling the net...

The general theory is to find ONE thing that both ChrisHoney and difficult child agree is a great thing to do. It has to be a "high value" activity for difficult child - high enough that he wants to behave during the activity.
Then, that activity is done on a frequently-scheduled basis - with absolutely no strings attached. It is done because they both enjoy it. No other reason.
Once they agree on something, find another and start alternating. In the short run, ChrisHoney may have to work up to spending 3-4 hours a day doing this.
While THEY are at it, you need to do the same. Find something you and difficult child can enjoy, just the two of you - and again, it has to be "high value" for difficult child.
You won't have a life for months. But in another sense, you will - because if reattachment works, the other problems start dropping and you "get a life back".
In the long run, you have to keep this stuff up, but not with the same level of intensity - 1x or 2x/week, not "constantly".

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

If you meant me, you are welcome to pm me privately, will gladly talk with both of you. Not so sure about the calm and wise counsel though - we bumped heads quite a bits at first. But along with chosing to make changes for myself, I also chose to refuse to be goaded along or have my buttons pushed. And oh by the way - we had pee problems too - a different variety than you - but yeah - dominance stuff alright! [Also gone!!!] And Food in the new couch under the cushions. Trash everywhere. Windows + doors open with the AC or heat on. Things taken and broken and hidden [and later left out in the open]. Oh yeah - me gots lots of t-shirts, LOL.

Let me ask you this - can you reach him at all? Is there any reasonable talking possible at some time or another? At first I couldn't reach mine by means of reasonable talking at all. NOT at ALL! He was just mad, ****** with himself due to the thought type Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) among other things. ****** with me for having him. ****** with his father passing on his troublesome genes. I can't tell you how many times he told me I should have had an abortion instead of having him. Stinking mad because it was raining. Stinking mad because the sun was shining. Stinking mad because - well whatever comes to mind...

Yours is a lot different from mine - I think you need to really make it all come together and have everybody - all the psychiatrists/tdocs/councillors/teachers - everybody come together and try to make a go at it. I would def. look into possibly different medications, doses tweaking, maybe changing therapist if his doesn't reach him. 14 is a hard enough time without all the extra stuff he has going on. Between hormones, male "stuff" waking up, girls getting interesting - this is a tough time.

Pm me if you like, I have a shoulder to cry on, and if some of the things that worked for me work for you, more power to you! Hugs to you and Chris!

 

[sunxstone]

Thanks, we'll do that soon! Chris is working loooong hours (40 hours overtime in two weeks) so on top of everything else, he's just plain exhausted!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Oh, yes - that will be one more factor to the dynamics... it doesn't help when ANY one involved is over-worked or over-tired or stressed out. LOL.

Just means that the activity/ies you pick need to be high-value for both difficult child and ChrisHoney.