Still a problem

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Drew64, May 14, 2015.

  1. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    have posted on here before about my now 16 y/o daughter. Thought we had an alternative school for her finally. She chose it. Started her off slow going a couple of hours first week then a few more the next. Had some trouble getting her there a few times. This last week they wanted her to stay until 12:17 and do group therapy. She's not keen on group and refused to go. Met with principal and he had said don't need to go to group but need to stay in building until 12:17. For whatever reason in her head she wants out at 11:30. The school finally decided that it wasn't working because she wasn't meeting them half way. She also thinks that since going to repeat the 10 th grade anyway since missed so much time she doesent need to be in school until sept. That's when she wants to start. So her school district called the state on us to report us for educational neglect. They came to house and heard the story. Not a lot they can do. Have a meeting with school district tomorrow and I think they are going to go the residential route again. This would have to be out of state since we don't have any boarding schools in this state other than for drug and alcohol issues. Just can't make this kid understand that she needs to be in school even if going to repeat a grade. She could start making up credits now and over the summer. Have told her she can get a job over summer but I don't know if she would get hired by anyone. Someone suggested volunteering at the local hospital to show her how lucky she is.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Take away all of her electronics and t.v. Do not buy her junk food, or take her out for fun things. Those things are for people who follow the rules.
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  3. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    sorry to hear things still aren't going any better for you.
  4. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    The school basically told us either sign her out of school or put her in residential. No other options. I know need to make tough decision but I want it to be the correct decision for my child.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If you sign her out of school, what happens? Does she basically become a drop-out?

    If she goes to residential, and it doesn't work, then what?

    What does your gut tell you is the right answer? (for me, usually, it was that the right option wasn't available...)
  6. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    My gut tells me to push the school to find another appropriate school but my daughter seems so angry about something or multiple things and doesent engage with therapist. She just won't open up. Just reamed into her today about everything and like has no effect. May need to speak to an attorney who deals with school issues but they want a 3000 dollar retainer.
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I know in our school district, they were willing to find a boarding school for troubled children for my son. There was one in NY they were looking into but the other residential opened up and he went there. Your school should be looking into this info for you, I believe. I can't recall the name of the agency which helped me out with my questions about what the school should be able to do for me but you might be able to find out info here Hope they can give you some answers.
  8. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    I did call them a while back but got no response will try again.
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ummm... this is a teenage girl. You're a dad. This approach? There's no way she's going to open up. been there done that. Not dealing with school refusal, but ... she had given up on life. Would not talk - not to ANYBODY.

    We got her turned around. Likely will end up costing me most of my retirement but I can live with that. Got her the only therapist that she was willing to work with. It will be six figures in cost before we are done. Best therapist I've ever seen. Comes with four legs, and a huge appetite, and all sorts of related expenses.

    I will not give any more details on the public part of the board. If you want to know more, start a private conversation please.
  10. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a public school? I don't believe they tell you that you need to sign her out or put her in residential. Here if they did that, they would be admitting they can't help her so then they would be liable for the cost of the residential.
  11. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    Yes public school and yes that was the choices they gave.
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Which means the school system will be paying for residential?
  13. Drew64

    Drew64 Member

    May have to speak to attorney for that. Was wondering if any one has had experience with transport services. I found a school I like in another state but getting her there and even having her accepted maybe the issue. All these schools seem to have an admission process like a college. Are there boarding schools that just accept kids dropped off. I feel like I have given her many chances and I'm just angry , frustrated and disappointed at her. She's not dumb she's is though the most stubborn person I have ever met. We have looked at underlying conditions. She has socialized in past. Why just this tr have a problem.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    - the signs were more subtle in the past, and you didn't recognize there was more going on (that isn't your fault, sometimes it IS that subtle until they hit some other crisis),
    - this is not developmental, but the result of trauma. It may have nothing to do with her friend (timing might be coincidental).

    She knows you are frustrated. It makes it that much more difficult to communicate, especially if there is trauma in the picture.

    You shouldn't be looking for "a" boarding school. You need to be looking for residential treatment that is geared to what your daughter is dealing with. Because you don't yet know what she is dealing with... it becomes tricky to pick an appropriate school.

    It shouldn't be this hard to be a parent!!!
  15. jennisin

    jennisin New Member

    Send her to a behavioral mental hospital. They can evaluate her. Make her do school work and the doors are locked. She can have visitation, but she can't leave until she is able to cope and do the essential things in the community. We had our daughter at St. Anthony's in OKC. She's my daughter again. I am so happy I made that decision.

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  16. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you may not be in the US or your daughter is in a private/charter type school where they don't have to deal with difficult kids.

    In any case there is no point in fighting the summer school issue. If she doesn't want to go she wont pass the classes anyway. I would find out what I needed to do to get her out of the summer school program. It's not whats best for her educational goals but mental health may be more important right now.

    by the way: If this is a public school I wouldn't sign her out unless they had a plan in place to get her the education she needs. They shouldn't be dumping her education on you it is there job as educators to ensure that "no child is left behind." (couldn't help myself I have heard that term way too many times this week) I would also check and see what happens if you sign her out. Can they refuse to take her back? What if the other school doesn't work out? Then you would need a backup plan.