Struggle Continues

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tentimesaround, Oct 22, 2015.

  1. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    Today, my burden feels heavy and it seems this two year struggle will never end. I am working hard on myself through Alanon, etc. so the days have gotten much better for me. My daughter seems to ride a constant wave of self destruction. When I think she is getting better, going to school and working hard another crisis comes and she is back at square one. I understand this is her battle and her choices are her own but why can't she see the pain she causes the people who love her the most. Over the last week I trying to remain distance just to save my own sanity. When I do that she calls more, stops by my office pushes to get my attention in any way possible. When she asks for my advice I have been sticking to "gee that's too bad what are you going to do?" for the most part. Today she arrived at my office full of drama about problems she is having and work and how two girls came to her house and beat her up! I finally said " I wish you had chosen an easier road, this life you have decided on is a rough one and that makes me sad". That was the wrong thing to say and things went down hill from there. Her leaving in a state of fury and me bawling which is how most days end up for us.

    I just can't help but wonder what caused such a disconnect in this child. Why would a 17 year old want to leave her comfortable home and her loving family to struggle day to day to survive. How can you not see what you are doing? We taught you right from wrong and loved you more than anything. It is just a hard, hard day and I know I shouldn't beat myself up about the "whys". Or ask myself "what if". I just don't know if I can watch her do this forever. I am tired of her affecting my life. I know "one moment at a time' but somedays that is just difficult.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Ten Times,
    I read your post and could have been the one writing it years ago. I am at work so can't really write at length. So sorry for your troubles that led you here. It is a good place to be for folks like us. Keep hanging in there and welcome. Others will come along.
  3. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Hi Ten times around,

    Your heart is broken. She's your child. Nobody envisions their child's future being like's totally normal to feel the way you do. I spent a good two years crying daily. It's perfectly okay, and necessary to feel these feelings so that we too can heal.

    I'm not familiar with your situation to say more, but I assure you we've all felt the way you're feeling. You may feel all alone and think it's just you and your child, but unfortunately there's a lot of us out here.

    Allow this place to be your pillar of strength.
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  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This isn't her future. It IS her present. They don't all stay there. At 17 / 18... it could take a few more years before she wakes up a bit.
  5. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    Thank you so much for the words of support and wisdom. I can get myself worked up into quite a state when I believe this could go on forever. She is going to be 19 in December, I just don't know what will have to happen before she wakes up/grows up. Today is a better day working on myself and not looking in to the future. My Difficult Child has turned her manipulation on her dad who tends to "feel sorry" and "help" her. We had a long talk last night about enabling her and making things worse. I can't change him either sadly. Oh if I only had a magic wand!
  6. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    These things are so hard. To watch your child going down the wrong path and wonder over and over, Why? I understand. The best of days turn into hurt and sadness sometimes.

    You have to have faith that it will get better. They're so young and have so much time to turn it around. But it is so, so hard. :group-hug:
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  7. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    Thank you Lil I see such similarities in our stories! I truly feel ur pain with every post you make. Some days it's just so hard to watch them struggle and not understand why and how it could have gone so wrong
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I second and third what everybody else has said. I think that part of the hurt is what gets unhinged in us. The sense of peril...that we cannot control. The sense that what we have nurtured and loved...has come to be a wound, our own wound. The sense that we have lost control of ourselves, and our own lives.

    Once those things get messed up...even when our children get on track...there may be relief but we are not the same. Even if this is work we had needed to do on ourselves...there is the sense that life will never be the same again.

    The earliest one can come to the understand that what needs to be fixed is in us, the better.

    I read with relief the posts of the mothers and fathers who have used this crisis of faith in themselves as an opportunity for renewal.

    I applaud the work you are doing on yourself.