Suggestions for Eeyore???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Aug 14, 2011.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Eeyore is your typical Aspie with his black and white view of the world.

    1. He thinks his view of the world is the only view.
    2. Even when someone else's view is explained to him (by us, by therapist, by teachers) he only seems to comprehend it about half of the time.
    3. Any situation that is even a small bit different than a previous situation means that any lessons previously learned do not apply.
    4. He is very resistant to any info that doesn't support his world view.

    Since his world is very egocentric and materialistic, the real world conflicts with him multiple times per day. This is causing him to be very depressed. He feels that we are trying to control him when we don't let him have what he wants (often because we can't -- today he wanted $460.28 to buy everything on his i-tunes wish list).

    He has met the requirements we set out for him to start getting an allowance so he has some money now and it is burning a hole in his pocket. His birthday is coming up soon and the grandmas will likely give him some money as well. I am trying to make him understand that he will need that money for homecoming, football games, extra-curricular outings, etc.

    husband has been in his room for a while now, trying to get him to stop obsessing about getting all of the things on his wish list immediately and to think of the future.

    Any magic words????
     
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    This is definitely immaturity and Aspie-issue, not conduct disordery.
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Let me ask Billy how he learned about managing money and budgeting...he is SO tight...lol.
     
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wish I knew the magic words. My difficult child is so much like this and no amount of trying to explain things to him does any good!
     
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    Ah, yeah, I dealt with a similar situation with son last Christmas. Instead of waiting until ALL his money came in, he insisted on buying pieces for his computer piece by piece. AFTER it was all done, he realized - ON HIS OWN - that if he had waited, he could have gotten intel stuff instead of AMD. IOW a better system. He's learned and is being less impulsive with his purchases now. Doesn't sound like that epiphany will happen for your Eeyore, but you can still try to steer him. He just may need MORE repetition on the lessons.

    Really the ONLY way to tech this is by natural consequences. If he runs out of money for the other stuff, he just can't go or can't have it. PAINFUL to watch and teach from a parent's perspective, but as far as I know it is really the only way to teach ANYONE financial responsibility.

    Short of that, if he's open to it, you can create "mandatory" savings. My son is so in tune now that I no longer have to remind him to put away his 10% - that's for something like a car or college. For your situation you can force a 10% for long term savings, and then split the rest 50-50 for immediate and medium term stuff. You also have to do it in a very visual manner. Jars are good because once he's deposited the 10% and the medium term money, you can put it out of his sight. The immediate is his to spend as he pleases. If he's more digital, you can set up bank accounts he can view online (that's what son has) and he can make his own transfers. One of the REALLY important things is that he has to be the one splitting up the money and placing it where it belongs. If you do it for him, it won't make the same impact and he'll feel like you are just hiding/stealing his money.

    And, OH, to give the kids an incentive to put away 10% of their allowance I agreed to match whatever they put away up to the 10% (they were allowed to put away more or less). Kinda like an employer's match for 401Ks. That way they see the savings growing even faster and may be a bit more motivated.

    Good Luck!
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Let me see if I can explain this how he told me, not an easy thing to do...lol. Ok, he said he started by learning to take the small amounts of money he first earned or was given and he saved them for an item he wanted. When he knew what that item was, he had to research that item and look at it at least two or three separate times to make sure that it was really what he wanted. Like going back to the store...so no impulse shopping. He is really good at that!!!!!

    Have eeyore make a list of what he wants...and then research the item...say two or three top things...and then make a case for those things. Present it to you are your husband about why he wants them, the cost, what they are and where he should get them. It will help make him a more informed shopper.
     
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    One thing we did was that Wiz could NOT buy anything on impulse. If he wanted something he had to write it down, check prices several places, and when he had enough money to buy it we would get it on the next shopping trip to the place with the best price. He was angry for a LONG time because we wouldn't buy it and let him pay us back (he didn't and would get very violent when we wouldn't give it to him before he paid us for it) and because we insisted he pay for it.

    You have to ask him how important homecoming, games, etc... will be for him? Then you have to let him set his priorities for what he wants to spend it on. Decide NOW if you will pay for homecoming, games, dances, etc... and how much. If he needs to match that amt and doesn't have the money when the time comes, then he doesn't go. You cannot back down and let him go/pay for it for him for any reason. That was one of the problems we had teaching Wiz about money. Gma and Gpa would ALWAYS decide it was an important social lesson and pay for him to go so he didn't get that natural consequence. Even when we refused to let them pay and refused to let him go we still had them telling him how it was wrong and we were keeping him from learning to fit into the social world if we kept him from the event. Made it VERY hard until they got him all to themselves and figured out that there would NEVER be enough $$ to make him happy and keep him motivated to do chores, etc.... To their credit I did get a HUGE apology for interfering all those times, but it was way too late to help Wiz.

    This isn't something you can really talk him through. I hope he can figure it out, but until HE is the one with the job and bills to pay and choices to make he likely will not understand.

    Given the depression, it may be that you need to speak with the psychiatrist about an antidepressant. It wasn't until the third a/d was in place and working that Wiz was able to see past his depression to the lessons and to really grasp them. He is on an ssri, strattera for the adhd but it also works as an a/d, and trazodone for sleep because otherwise he doesn't really and it also works as an a/d. It took all 3 to get him to the point where he could grasp a lot of things. Before that all he could grasp was that he was miserable and we wouldn't give him X, Y and Z that would make him happy. X, Y and Z wouldn't make him happy, they would just be replaced my more things that he "needed" like more pokemon cards or D&D figures and he just stayed depressed.

    It may very well be until the depression is handled chemically that he won't be able to grasp all of this. that being said, the saving for long, medium and short term things is a good strategy.
     
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Thanks all! husband and I are going to talk about all your suggestions tonight. I knew you'd have great ideas!! :)
     
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yep - natural consequences.

    Also...you're the Mom. You are under NO obligation to let him have ALL of his money at once. Let him learn with a few little purchases that end up being disappointments. Then "help" him save up for something big and fun. Show him how the numbers add up in his bank book.

    It also never hurts to show him some math lessons and practice making choices with play money.

    When we were kids - we used to play shopping games with a big jar of pennies. I learned some really good life lessons watching those pennies get spent in imaginary stores...and then having to get a pretend job to get more pennies to go shopping again...
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I will tell you that this is the one thing that my mom was very good at with my son...and she did a semi good job at with me but some of my bipolar gets the best of me at times but I am somewhat of a credit tightwad.

    My parents were born in the great depression so they were both able to squeeze a penny till it screamed and my mom was probably better than my dad. My mom taught Billy how to shop and how to save money. She didnt quite teach him how to get a job though...that fell to me. She didnt want him to leave her.

    She taught him that money should be held onto and only spent when you really, really knew you wanted something. He would research things for months before he bought anything. Sometimes he would get a little bit of money for helping a neighbor for cleaning their yard and he wanted to buy something like a video game...well, they would go some place like Kmart and look at the games for weeks on end while he decided what game he wanted. Probably 2 or 3 months later he would find a game used so that he got a better deal on it. At 16 he saved up 600 dollars to buy his first computer. It took him 3 months to convince her that he knew what he was talking about and allow him to buy it. He rarely impulse buys and when he does, it is normally some small toy for Keyana...lol.
     
  11. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I totally sympathize with you - I have the same problem with difficult child. I'm going to try some of the suggestions too - great ideas!
     
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