Welcome. We can't diagnose here - only a health professional can do that, and even then, they need the child available to examine. However, we can help with suggestions on how to cope.
"The Explosive Child" is a darn good book. I'll have to read "The Manipulative Child" before I criticise, but the title has be concerned that assumptions could be being made and a child may not be actually deliberately manipulative, even when they seem to be.
Often we a re critical of out children and ascribe motives that actually may not apply at all. People may say, "She is deliberately trying to annoy me," but this may not be the case. It may well be that her behaviour is very annoying and pushes all your buttons, but it is very easy for a difficult kid to do this unwittingly. Even a child being disobedient isn't necessarily choosing to do it BECAUSE it will annoy you, but often IN SPITE of knowing it will annoy you.
An example I've given before - my sister's daughter as a toddler. We were at a family gathering, a backyard barbecue. This little mite was standing beside the garden bed, looking intently. She would bend down, pick up a clod of earth (high clay soil) and then drop it on the garden path. The clod of earth would smash and bits of dirt flew everywhere. She then would bend down, pick up another, and do it again. I was watching her, fascinated. The little girl was oblivious to anyone else.
Her mother called her to come and have some lunch. The girl did not respond, but merely picked up another clod of earth and dropped it. The more repeated the call to come and have her lunch; the girl briefly responded, then continued picking up dirt and dropping it.
I turned and said to her mother, "She's experimenting. And in her mind, what she is doing is more important than obeying you this instant."
Her mother & I are very similar; she understood. However, she knew she would have to fetch her daughter and do it gently. Meanwhile another sister got very exasperated with me. "Don't be ridiculous! She heard, alright. She's just being disobedient; deliberately defiant. The Terrible Twos - they do this sort of thing just to try it on. And she's only a toddler - don't put things in her head that aren't there. Experimenting, indeed!" Very scoffing.
As a general rule, kids want to be good. They want to please you. But when they get frustrated, or have a short fuse because the world for them is a confusing place, of they feel life isn't fair because rules are followed differently by different people in different situations, they get very angry and lash out.
A lot of what you describe sounds very familiar to me. Your daughter could have a one of a number of possible conditions but it will take an expert (people here recommend a neuropsychologist) to assess and diagnose. Once you understand why she is like this, it will be easier to manage her.
The apparent obsession with a"fairness" - is she very bright? If so, boredom is going to be a big problem, you will find you need to keep her mind busy to get best results.
Kids always have a reason that makes sense to them. Finding out that reason can also make it easier to know how to handle them.
Welcome, keep us posted on how you get on. Read Explosive Child, see if it feels familiar.
Marg
Hi everyone!
