Test: Does your adult child/mother/father/sister/friend/anyone abuse you?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 30, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Warning signs of an abuser. I am going to answer the questions as they pertain to me. You can read my answers or ignore them and just think of your own situation. So many of us have abusers. So many different types. Some have many.

    1/ CONTROLS YOU, WITH JUST A LOOK OF DISAPPROVAL--Im doing my mother and I'd say yes, but more about the words.
    The victim often learns what ticks the abuser off and tries hard to avoid that behavior. They become sharp at reading the signals.

    2/Controls the finances (Well, yes, I was a kid)

    3/Constantly criticizes you (um, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and still does at least in my mind leading my therapist to say I have PTSD)
    This is a staple for an abuser. He thrives on criticism. You are not good enough the way you are and of course you do everything wrong. He wants to bring you down and in doing so build himself up a little.

    4/Is rude to your friends and family (No, but criticized everyone I liked, male or female, when they were not around. Belittled them to me)
    Doesn't like them because you do and he sees it as a sign of love and support for you that he doesn't want you to have. He wants to kick your support system down the stairs.

    5/Tries to isolate you (No, would not have been possible--I would never have let her)
    May try to isolate you physically by not having access to a car or living in a remote areas or may try to isolate you by causing you to lose friends and lose communication with supporters.

    6/Tries to drive a wedge between you and the people you care about (which shuts off your support system). (Absolutely and id it with lies and her own fairy tales, but could not touch my friends, only family)
    The reasons here are the same he doesn't want you to talk to friends and family. Doesn't want you to have a support system. Then you may tell them how you are treated and he sure doesn't want to gamble that somebody will believe him and maybe call the cops or help you escape.

    7/May embarass you in front of other people (Yes, the family. No to friends)
    They often don't belittle you in public, just in private. However some abusers do try to make you feel uncomfortable in public. This is to make you feel small and worthless. (My note: You feel small and worthless no matter who he belittles you in front of, privately at home, alone, or in public).

    8/Shows little to no respect for you. (OMG, Yes. From the time I was little I was treated like a second hand person and after my grandmother died, all gloves were off. Before that, Mother didn't want to get her mother too angry so she controlled it sometimes. Sick.) Obviously, somebody who treats you with no respect, like you have no brains, or like you are mean and horrible, or like you are the ATM only does not respect you. Why should you respect him?

    9/Doesn't talk things over with you as an equal partner (This is probably mostly for a spouse. But my mother never talked anything over with me. We had very poor communication, mostly yelling if she thought I did something wrong without listening to me). This can really apply to anybody who refuses to stop talking long enough to hear and absorb your point of view. You are lower than the person, in his mind, even if you are the parent. You may have a great point, but it doesn't matter. He gets the final word. Period.

    10. Wants to know where you are all the time. (no. Wouldn't have been possible) This seems also a spousal thing, although some parents won't let kids go anywhere, even when they are adults on their own, without checking in on them. And some scared and PTSD adult children still listen to their parents who frightened them so much.

    11. Insults you (All the time)

    12. Humiliates you (Yes all the time and was worse than the insults)

    13: Wants you to change your hair, your clothes or your general look

    14. Has unpredictable moods (Yep. Never knew how she'd be, ever.) This is classic abusive behavior as it is designed to catch you off guard. If you knew what triggered the moods or when he would be angry that would make it too easy for you to deal with and cope with. Unpredictability is the abusers trumpe card, which he uses for full affect. (My note. Never thought of that, but it kept me on my toes!)

    15/ Wants your email and social media passwords (I assume this means a spouse, but could be a very intrusive, abusive parent too)

    16. Reads your emails or goes through your phone (again assuming this is for abusive spouse or abusive mother with an adult child who is self-supporting...parents still snoopy)

    17 Call you stupid, dumb or ugly. (Stupid, dumb, lazy, selfish, don't think of anyone but yourself, a bad girl, other lovely words)

    18/Ignores your feelings or requests Yep. Usually.

    19. makes you feel there is something wrong with you. YES!!!!!!

    20. Has a rage of temper where he breaks things. Rage yes. Threw papers at me at times. Never broke anything.

    21. Manipulates you by lying "You only adopted your kids for the money I KNOW THIS" when I had not yet adopted any child where I got a subsidy and when we did, it was only one, and a small subsidy and that was not the truth. But it was HER truth. Lots of examples like this. "Your father's family is mean." Another good one. Lying is the staple of an abuser.

    22. Says cruel things then says it was a joke. Said cruel things and did not say it was a joke. Meant it.

    23. makes unreasonable demands of you. "Take this $5000 and give it to Bart, but not your twto adopted kids because grandmother said so." So many other ridiculous requests too, so yes.

    24. Is jealous and suspicious No.

    25. Continually questions your motives. Continually told me my motives according to her, twisted good into bad (like adopting kids not for the love of kids but for money). She never questioned. She always told me. She was always wrong.

    26. Things escalate when alcohol or drugs are involved No alcohol or drugs

    27. Needs you to ask permission for everything. This probably pertains for a spouse but again could be a poor adult child who wants to be good who maybe is still living at home under child-like rules, although he or she is helping in the house, caring for Mom, and paying bills.

    So did somebody abuse you?
     
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