the police interview

[therese005us]

Well, i seem to have done a lot of driving since getting out of hospital - somebody puncture my tyres, cos I 'm worn out!
Bio Mum insisted on preempting the police interview, although there was a time set for the weekend, probably with a female officer etc. Anyway, she insisted she wanted to get it over with so she can still let her father have access on the weekend! the one who's suspected.
So, when I turned up, little girl is very frightened, not saying anything, previously bribed (obviously) with lollies after... etc.
One police officer, male, in a very clinical scary setting. I was shocked! They asked me to go in and reassure her I was there, she sobbed, she didn't want to be there.
I was not able to be present for the questioning, naturally, so it was a big disaster.
Mum is still going to sign her over for a year, starting next week, so that is all positive. However, I might end up with the siblings as well if the Dept does their job properly (the y are not well known for that in OZ).
Mum says it was all a waste of time AGAIN and that she thought cherub was going to change her story.... that's this morning.... now mum is trying to persuade her to say it was someone else "cos I know it wasn't her father!!") all she is worried about is that she won't get to go out on a drink binge this weekend!!

So, keep praying. The positive is that bio mother still is willing to talk to me about these things, and her intention to 'give up, and give in' on the child and hand her to me is still firm.... no matter what they say. She also is prepared to 'do a runner' and hand the other two over if she has to.. I know she is using me, but I can't see these chidlren in danger.

Went to doctor and I have to have the nasty prednisone till end of July! Guess I'd beter obey else I won't be well enough for my extended family...

hate the stuff, but ..... I need to be there for the children too.

Have a good evening.

Any advice on what to watch for, say to this little cherub?? I'm a little out of my depth, except for knowing somethign is wrong, that she's frightened, depressed etc.

 

[Marguerite]

So sorry the cop interview got scuttled. It's not right... all I can suggest, is that you handle her gently and have a quiet word to the police (who MUST have seen what was going on, they must have seen the same scenario many times before) and after you've had little cherub for a few weeks, then arrange for a more balanced interview, preferably in calmer surroundings. Taking her to the police station was almost a claculated move to terrify the little girl into keeping silent, for fear she would lose the people inher life tatshe loves.

From past postsabout this situaiton, this mother seems to use blame a lot, even where it's totally inappropriate. "It's YOUR fault my life isn't my own, to come and go as I want to," seems to be the message she keeps sending little cherub. And she is using you to try to reclaim her freedom of movement and abdicate her responsibilities.

The bio-mum did the right thing to let you know of the inappropriate touching. But the ramifications of the situation have apparently shot home siince and she's thought about who could be doing this, when, how and why, and is 'rewriting' the possible scenario to what SHE wants it to be, and then trying to use control over little cherub to reinforce this 'truth'.

If bio-mum has been using this approach on little cherub all along, simply as an upbringing tool, it's no wonder she's got encopresis and other control issues.

I'm glad you see the "using" signs, I'm also glad you're there for this darling and her siblings.

Sorry about the prednisone - I asked my GP today if I could stop taking mine. She said no, I have to get the specialist's OK and I see him next week. I still haven't got a definitive diagnosis of whooping cough, I need more blood tests in a fortnight, but it's looking likely.

One blessing for you with the prednisone - it should at least keep your asthma under control while you need to be on deck.

Hang in there.

Marg

 

[Andy]

What a horrid thing for a young girl to go through. So hard to want to tell the truth but to have mom trying to cover for the criminal. You can help by assuring this cherub that what she has to say in important. She is allowed to tell the truth as she sees it and it is wrong for anyone to make her change her story. Reassure her that this is not her fault. Nothing she has ever done or ever will do gives anyone permission to do this to her.

She is very scared of how mom and dad will treat her after her voice is heard. Let her know how she will be kept safe from retaliation. Let her know that she can come to you when she is afraid and you will help her with every step of this.

I am sure you are already doing the above. It is so good to know that you are in her life. She really needs an adult looking after her well being and assuring her that she is important.

 

[therese005us]

Thanks for the support.
i am not supposed to talk to her about it now. Although I know mum is.
so, if I do, then she's probably going to feel pressure from both of us.
Maybe I can talk to my own daughter about it, in front of her, when we've had time to settle down a bit.
It's such a mess! I am concerned about how her father is going to react when he has them in their care over the weekend, apparently he is pretty angry about the whole thing.

Prayers please...

 

[Marguerite]

YOUcan't talk to her about any allegedabuse, but you should be able to talk in general termsabout good secrets and bad secrets. Then leave it up to her own ability (hopefully) to work it out for herself. Just keep reinforcing - telling the truth is right and OK to do so. Exactly what the truth is, is up to her to say. Nobody else.

Hang in there. Poor darling.

I hope her father isn't too much of a problem tihs weekend.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

Does she spend any time alone with the mother? Is there any way you could contact her when she spends time at her mothers? Maybe set up a code word (I forgot my book?) that is easy to remember to tell you when mom is pressuring her?

Let her know that no matter what they did to her, say or said to her, or will do in the future, that YOU CARE. No matter what, you will care and you will believe her. If she uses the code word you are to make up a reason to go and pick her up from mothers.

She is lucky to have you.

 

[Anaheimfan]

Tell her that no matter what folks say, you (and the police) will not let anything happen to her, so she can feel free to tell the honest-to-goodness truth.

Maybe she could even take a stuffed animal or some sort of comfort object into the interrogation room. I agree that a female officer would be best, same with the better setting than a "clinical" place, but there are some very compassionate male officers.

I hope this helps you a bit, and that everything works out.

As a bit of a footnote, children who have been abused sometimes place the blame on a "safe" person such as an Uncle or a close family friend...But I would venture a guess that 9 times out of 10, if they say "that" person did it, then that person did it. ((hugs for you))

Well, i seem to have done a lot of driving since getting out of hospital - somebody puncture my tyres, cos I 'm worn out!
Bio Mum insisted on preempting the police interview, although there was a time set for the weekend, probably with a female officer etc. Anyway, she insisted she wanted to get it over with so she can still let her father have access on the weekend! the one who's suspected.
So, when I turned up, little girl is very frightened, not saying anything, previously bribed (obviously) with lollies after... etc.
One police officer, male, in a very clinical scary setting. I was shocked! They asked me to go in and reassure her I was there, she sobbed, she didn't want to be there.
I was not able to be present for the questioning, naturally, so it was a big disaster.
Mum is still going to sign her over for a year, starting next week, so that is all positive. However, I might end up with the siblings as well if the Dept does their job properly (the y are not well known for that in OZ).
Mum says it was all a waste of time AGAIN and that she thought cherub was going to change her story.... that's this morning.... now mum is trying to persuade her to say it was someone else "cos I know it wasn't her father!!") all she is worried about is that she won't get to go out on a drink binge this weekend!!

So, keep praying. The positive is that bio mother still is willing to talk to me about these things, and her intention to 'give up, and give in' on the child and hand her to me is still firm.... no matter what they say. She also is prepared to 'do a runner' and hand the other two over if she has to.. I know she is using me, but I can't see these chidlren in danger.

Went to doctor and I have to have the nasty prednisone till end of July! Guess I'd beter obey else I won't be well enough for my extended family...

hate the stuff, but ..... I need to be there for the children too.

Have a good evening.

Any advice on what to watch for, say to this little cherub?? I'm a little out of my depth, except for knowing somethign is wrong, that she's frightened, depressed etc.

 

[TerryJ2]

My heart aches for her.

I agree with-Marg, to broach the subject of good secrets and bad secrets, to help her understand, with-o actually talking about the subject.

 

[therese005us]

Thanks eveyrone for your replies.
The hardest thing about talking to my little cherub is her intellectual barrier. It's like talking with a 3 year old, but even then she seems to be off with the fairies.
Mom is still determined I get her for a year starting the 26th of this month - how I wish it was tomorrow! Then I am planning on all kinds of extra therapies to help her - not the least will be some play therapy regarding sexual abuse.
Thought I could have a chat to my DD12 in presence of cherub, about safe/bad touching etc. at a level cherub would understand....
had a little contact with bio mum today, and my biggest concern is that the father is havign contact with the children this weekend. Can't believe the dept is allowing it, but that's the dept for you... hey Marg?
But, they apologise later if they get it wrong! (sorry for sarcasm - I know the dept's failings so well! It bugs me!)

In the meantime, the suggestions about code words etc are a good idea. ... though I hope that it all goes smoothly for me to have her in my care...90% of the time.

Well, off to do a little more housework before bed. it's after midnight here, but I am so impatient about hearing from you all after I have pled my case... you're all sleepy when I write during the day!

 

[house of cards]

Such a difficuly situation, the poor child is in my prayers, I'm asking for angels to watch over her. You are an angel to her for sure, but I am asking for some heavenly help as well.

 

[Marguerite]

I read your Good Morning post Trish, you sound like things are really busy. Good luck with the new dog. I presume working dog and not family pet? Do you have a family pet that little cherub can relate to? That could be a way to show her what is appropriate and what is not.

Look after your health, don't let yourself get too chilled. I was just about to go down to the local shops but there's drizzle right now and even if I rug up, I'll get soaked. Can't risk it.

I'm appalled at DOCS, allowing the dad visit. The least they could have done was insist on supervision. But I suspect it is because the bio-mum is playing it down so thoroughly. That, and their recent bad press for either intervening too readily, or not doing enough soon enough.

Remember when Joan Kirner as Premier of Victoria, sent DOCS in after a cult and grabbed the kids? They had to hand them back. That's when the jokes started up.
"What's the difference between DOCS and a rotttweiler?"
"You can get your kids backfrom a rottweiler."

Then later -
"What's the difference between Joan Kirner and a rottweiler?"
"Lip gloss."

Mind you, she was stuck in a difficult situation. I think she was glad to get out of politics.

Did you ever see her on "The Late Show"? Here is the Wikipedia reference:
'Former Premier of Victoria Joan Kirner covered Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n Roll", accompanied on guitar by her former health minister David White who actually did play the guitar, for a spoof segment on The Late Show.'
And here is the YouTube link of that performance, for EVERYONE interested in what our politicians Down Under can get up to!
[[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxJg9zYXuW0"]YouTube - Joan Kirner[/ame]
SO whenever you feel the system is pretty much SNAFU'd up, you can understand why.

Marg