hearts and roses
Mind Reader
difficult child went back to a local therapist about a year ago after she began suffering some anxiety and ptsd symptoms related to her kidnapping and assualt 7 years ago at age 15. back then she wanted nothing to do with any sort of therapy...didn't want to talk about anything, etc. When she began dating E she was 19, he was 28...so of course, we had our reservations that it may trigger something. Turns out they are perfect for one another and difficult child always did have an old soul, and he's a little immature for his age I suppose, so they match up well and are engaged.
Unfortunately, they lost their apt and his parents gave them the upstairs to their old farmhouse. They share the bath and kitchen, but have three rooms upstairs. No door, no real privacy and E's mom is always up there rearranging furniture and telling them how or what to do when, etc. She's a bit of a busybody and meddler in all her children's lives, but a very warm and loving mom. I think she likes having E there in particular because his dad had a stroke a few years ago and isn't in the best of health. The parents do not pay a mortgage, heat, electric, phone or any other utilities. Their other two daughters pick up those costs for some reason. I don't know. His mom is charging them $800 a month to live there...which I think is just ridiculous considering her only bill is fuel for her car and groceries. How in the heck will difficult child and E every save enough money to get their own place?? Not my problem, just saying.
Anyway, difficult child's anxiety has kicked up again and she's been seeing a new therapist (my old one as it so happens) and this woman told difficult child last week that she felt it would be in difficult child's best interests to move back home, with or without E...that she needed to get a break from E's mom and dad, that it's causing her stress and anxiety and it's not healthy. She also told her that because of their current living arrangements, it's likely also causing difficult child all those gastro-intestinal issues she's been having because it's not her kitchen and so she's not eating normally, etc.
difficult child bounced it off E and he asked her why would they move from one parent's home to another. Great point.
I bounced it off H and he first said, "No way, that is not happening" and then said, "Well, we could make them pay $800 here, but why didn't therapist just tell difficult child that they should buckle down with their money to save and get their own place? Why move home? Isn't that going backwards?" Another great point.
I told difficult child that if she wanted to move back home she could have her old room, pay rent as per usual, help with chores, etc and that maybe being separated from E for a bit will light a fire under his behind so he starts saving money and look for a place of their own. I'd like to see them in their own place by the time they marry.
H is nearly done with the bulk of the upstairs addition (the forever project) so we should be moving up there sometime this fall. This will give our home a lot more space. Realistically, both difficult child and E could live with us and we would all have ample space so as not to step on eachother. Mealtimes may be an issue at times, but for the most part I don't think so. We have two and almost three full bathrooms. easy child will start school again soon so between work and school and her boyfriend, she will hardly be home much.
On the one hand, I'd like to have the opportunity to help them get on their feet and save some money to find a place of their own. on the other hand, I've been looking forward to the day when easy child tells us she's ready to move out and we have the place to ourselves...and then on the third hand (yes I often feel I have three hands), it is nice to have some extra hands helping out around the house.
Nothing has been decided at all by anyone yet. I don't think difficult child was looking for an answer specifically, I think she was just throwing out some feelers. Coincidentally, she and E are staying over tomorrow and thursday night because E is working an overnight shift for a friend in town, so we are closer than his parent's house. They will squeeze into difficult child's old room, my God it is so small for two...it's small for one!
Any thoughts??
Unfortunately, they lost their apt and his parents gave them the upstairs to their old farmhouse. They share the bath and kitchen, but have three rooms upstairs. No door, no real privacy and E's mom is always up there rearranging furniture and telling them how or what to do when, etc. She's a bit of a busybody and meddler in all her children's lives, but a very warm and loving mom. I think she likes having E there in particular because his dad had a stroke a few years ago and isn't in the best of health. The parents do not pay a mortgage, heat, electric, phone or any other utilities. Their other two daughters pick up those costs for some reason. I don't know. His mom is charging them $800 a month to live there...which I think is just ridiculous considering her only bill is fuel for her car and groceries. How in the heck will difficult child and E every save enough money to get their own place?? Not my problem, just saying.
Anyway, difficult child's anxiety has kicked up again and she's been seeing a new therapist (my old one as it so happens) and this woman told difficult child last week that she felt it would be in difficult child's best interests to move back home, with or without E...that she needed to get a break from E's mom and dad, that it's causing her stress and anxiety and it's not healthy. She also told her that because of their current living arrangements, it's likely also causing difficult child all those gastro-intestinal issues she's been having because it's not her kitchen and so she's not eating normally, etc.
difficult child bounced it off E and he asked her why would they move from one parent's home to another. Great point.
I bounced it off H and he first said, "No way, that is not happening" and then said, "Well, we could make them pay $800 here, but why didn't therapist just tell difficult child that they should buckle down with their money to save and get their own place? Why move home? Isn't that going backwards?" Another great point.
I told difficult child that if she wanted to move back home she could have her old room, pay rent as per usual, help with chores, etc and that maybe being separated from E for a bit will light a fire under his behind so he starts saving money and look for a place of their own. I'd like to see them in their own place by the time they marry.
H is nearly done with the bulk of the upstairs addition (the forever project) so we should be moving up there sometime this fall. This will give our home a lot more space. Realistically, both difficult child and E could live with us and we would all have ample space so as not to step on eachother. Mealtimes may be an issue at times, but for the most part I don't think so. We have two and almost three full bathrooms. easy child will start school again soon so between work and school and her boyfriend, she will hardly be home much.
On the one hand, I'd like to have the opportunity to help them get on their feet and save some money to find a place of their own. on the other hand, I've been looking forward to the day when easy child tells us she's ready to move out and we have the place to ourselves...and then on the third hand (yes I often feel I have three hands), it is nice to have some extra hands helping out around the house.
Nothing has been decided at all by anyone yet. I don't think difficult child was looking for an answer specifically, I think she was just throwing out some feelers. Coincidentally, she and E are staying over tomorrow and thursday night because E is working an overnight shift for a friend in town, so we are closer than his parent's house. They will squeeze into difficult child's old room, my God it is so small for two...it's small for one!
Any thoughts??
JMO
)... Maybe write out a 3- or 4-month lease of sorts, including rent and what they are expected to do (like snow removal, cleaning etc.)?
