There is just no hope for difficult child at this point

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Oct 17, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    So, difficult child is fully aware of the move that is about to take place and how she will be without a home. Of course I am a horrible, horrible mother. So she is taking it out on me by doing the worse things you can do in my eyes and that is by taking pills (percocets I am guessing). The thing is, I don't even have the energy to get upset any longer. She took that power away from me a long time ago , however, it is upsetting me on the inside.

    I told difficult child that I moved to a place where I didn't want to move to so this way she could go to the high school she wanted to attend. It is not my fault that she blew it epically. If she would have graduated, then she would have been able to go to college and been able to live in a dorm. I have lived in the fifth circle of hell for the last five years and I am not going to do it anymore. I gave her so many chances but she keeps blowing them all. I am not saying I am without fault, I know that I am and our dysfunction has made her the way she is today, but what am I suppose to do? Am I never allowed to recover, or do my own thing? Live a little for me? If I don't, then we both will truly have nothing.

    I just want this to be over with. It's too long to live this way. She keeps destroying herself. I just personally don't care anymore if she does. Maybe that is natures way of letting me cut the cord finally. I am also done with being blamed for everything.

    "because of you I am not going to school and I am not getting a job. I am going to become what you want me to be, a ********* drug addict".

    Is anyone else done with this load of horse sh*t?
     
  2. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Guide me,

    She is thrashing and blaming. That is a very difficult child thing. Try not to let any of it land. She is responsible for her own life, today and going forward. The past is done...what she did, what you did for her...no point in arguing or rehashing it now.

    When my exGFGnowPC daughter was about 15, in the middle of an awful adolescent exchange, she told me I was toxic, which cut me to the core. Somehow I was able to keep my sanity, and I said "if that is true then it is incumbent on you to not let my toxicity ruin your life. You are the only one who can do that." I meant it, and it is true. (I don't think I was toxic, but who knows?)

    So yes, you are allowed to recover from the past. She is allowed to recover from whatever bad past she thinks she had. You are doing the right stuff. This drama, this tragedy, is a passageway, a doorway to a better life. Let it go. Move through it. Try to keep the conversations short. Leave when she is insulting. Youdn't have to reason with her, and you won't get her to see it your way. You can try "I love you but I'm done trying to take care of you. I need to take care of me now, and it is your job to take care of you. You are a smart, strong, resourceful person. I have confidence that you can figure it out." and then end the conversation. Repeat as necessary.

    Your continuing to "give her chances" won't change a thing. You've been there, done that. The only one who can change her path now is her.

    I know, cause my difficult child is in the same position. Nothing I've done has helped him. The only one who can improve his life is him. This hurts my heart every day, but knowing that it is true helps some. I hope it helps you too.

    Hugs,

    Echo
     
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  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Thank you echo, I am going to use those exact words to say to her.
     
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    GM, all I can do is offer moral support. I think echo said exactly the right thing. "I love you but I can't take any more. You are fully capable of taking care of things yourself, of getting a job, of making your own way."

    From what you've said, you have put up with more disrespect than I ever would have. Many hugs.
     
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    GM,
    Good job with putting a plan in place and moving along with that plan. Don't let her drama stop you. You are not making her a drug addict she is making herself a drug addict.
     
  6. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I know we should even entertain what difficult child says, but why do you think she said this ""because of you I am not going to school and I am not getting a job. I am going to become what you want me to be, a ********* drug addict". Why is it because of me she is not going to school and not getting a job?
     
  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Why ask why? Because she is a difficult child. Because she does not want or is not yet able to take responsibility for the consequences of her own choices. Because in the past it has been easiest to blame you, and if she makes you feel bad enough you might step in and bail her out. Because she does what she does.

    It is irrational. It is impossible for the rational to understand the irrational. Try to let it go.

    Echo
     
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  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Echo is right! There is no reason she cant go to school, no reason she can't get a job, and no force making her take drugs. If she would spend half as much energy digging out of her hole as she does making you feel bad she would be in a much better place.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    GM, I've been done with that for years now. If 36 blames me for anything to my face, I hang up on him. A condition of his speaking to me is that he has to be pleasant and cut the crapola. It takes time and it is much easier to monitor things once you are living in separate places. What a stupid excuse to use drugs. My mother's intuition tells me she's already been using drugs, but is going to use this as a launching pad to blame you. You know what? Don't even answer her. No difficult child listens to us, especially in that crazy state of GFGness. They just want to hurt us.

    STOP PLAYING THAT SICK VIDEOGAME!!!! She pushes the controller buttons and blasts you. QUIT THE GAME. Make her play her games without you. Don't respond to her. It is easier said than done, but if you can, remove yourself. If s he tells you she's going to become a drug addict again, my answer, if it were me TODAY (not ten years ago) would be a calm, "I don't want that and you know it, but I can't control you and if you choose to take drugs, that is going to be both your problem and your responsibility. I will not help you destroy yourself so no money is going to you, even if you end up homeless or in jail. You are an adult now and a smart young woman and you can make better choices than this one. If you go that route, you are doing it on your own." Maybe condense that a bit.

    Then I'd put her on "radio silence." No matter what abuse she spews at you, act calm and walk away, even if you are shaking inside.

    Hugs. We are all here pulling for you.
     
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