To be in Partner's shadow

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Ktllc, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    School is over so all three kids are now in the same daycare for the summer. The preschoolers (soon to be Kindergartners) are at times with the school age kids: outside play, quiet time and maybe more.
    Despite a small meltdown when I picked them up (V wanted to wait for snack time - although I always have good snacks in the car and at home which is only a 10 min ride- and he ended up rolling on the floor while getting louder and louder), V was quite happy on how things went at daycare. He played along side of Partner which allowed him to be with "friends". Of course, they are Partner's friends, but V does not understand that.
    Partner enables him to join a group and play. Something he cannot do on his own and he increasingly had complained that he has no friends, no one wants to be with him.
    The thing is V does not understand that play is a mix of give and take, compromise between what one wants and what the other(s) wants.
    So I am wondering if it is good for V to have Partner with him at daycare right now or if it will forbid him to actually learn social skills...
    Partner will be gone the whole month of July (going to France), so then V will be on his own again.
    Should I "coach" Partner on how to help his brother. I know it might sound like a big burden for a 6 year old but V did not choose to have those challenges either. Isn't what family does? Help one another?
    I am not sure if this situation is a blessing or a curse... Can I turned it into a teaching time for V? Or should I just leave it alone?
    Lots of question with only 2 month before K. I just feel like the situation with V's issues is going to explode at my face and I try so hard to prevent it.
     
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    in my opinion V is not going to learn those skills on his own so as long as Partner is willing to hang with little brother, I think this is a good match. I wouldn't necessarily "coach" Partner to teach V, but definitely encourage him to be nice to his brother and help him out.
    And in my opinion yes, family is supposed to help out family.
     
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Many kids learn by watching. V might "learn" how to interact with the kids Partner and he are playing with. It might end up being a good thing. If some "learning" goes on now, then maybe the other kids will still be willing to play with V when Partner is gone. It might be good just to let it play out and see how things go. Siblings are sometimes the best teachers without ever trying to be. Know what I mean??
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My boys always stuck up for each other their whole lives. What one couldnt do, the others could. Now they fought like cats and dogs at home but let anyone bother one outside, watch out!
     
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's not unusual for kids with developmental delays (note: Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) is a daughter, so is ADHD... ) to have more success playing with kids significantly older or significantly younger... K1 still has trouble with same-age peers, but has learned a LOT about appropriate interaction from some older kids with a bit of heart.
     
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Yes, I also vote for encouraging Partner to be sympathetic to V in this situation (sounds like he is anyway). I think if you leave V alone he is not going to interact and play - he needs help and encouragement to do so. And we are all like that, in fact! The inspiration and encouragement of others is vital to us in terms of learning anything. These situations are like a vicious circle; the child withdraws or cannot interact appropriately so is rejected, so withdraws even further, which makes others reject them even more... but what the child wants (because we all want this, I believe, no matter what issues we have!) is to be accepted and to have warm interactions with others. So I absolutely think anything that helps V achieve that is to be used to the max! If Partner is okay with that, of course. Siblings are an asset V has.
    I understand your concern about kindergarten. You will have to take it step by step and see how it evolves...
     
  7. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Well, Partner is 6 an V is 5. So they are the same age group! Everyone actually think they are twins, but Partner is SO mature.
    I did and always tell Partner to watch out for his brother and for the most part I know he does. But I know I also have to remember to protect Partner. V can be such a pest to him at home.
    There are certain things that Partner can do for V though, things that another grown up could do but it would then single him out even more. Such as taking V's hand and walk with him to the playground when I drop them off, sit with him for breakfast and lunch, etc... and all those things can start at daycare and carry over to school. Kind of a transition buddy.
    I remember a time when Partner hated daycare and V was like is comforting buddy. Despite the little age difference, I requested for them to be in the same classroom (V was 2 and Partner was 3). If they were seperated, Partner would freak out. They ad to seperate very slowly and, believe me, at the time I thought V was the strong one and Partner the one who needed the attention. Back then V showed no emotions (besides anger at home) and his presence allowed Partner to eventually blossom and turn in the social little bug that he is now.
    As I am writing, I am actually thinking that V and Partner might be a lot more alike than I ever imagined. What if V is going through the same phase, just with a delayed reaction? It's been only 1 year since his emotions started to develop afterall (or at least being visible to the exterior world).
    Emotionally that would put him at a 3 year old level... probably right on the money.
    Today is day #2 at daycare for them together, but for now I have to go because V tells me that "Partner is not listening"! LOL An other cat fight to contain.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    CAn't hurt. At the same time, being only six, he may not be the best one to show him. If V can learn by watching, that's good. Sonic learned a lot by observation. Some kids can, some can't. You need to find out what category V is in. He may need social skills classes. But I don't think it's a burden to Partner as long as he knows that if it gets to be too much he can take a break from it. Some k ids with certain disorders, such as Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), often get better as they get older because they learn by watching, however not all kids with the same diagnosis can do it. It's really up to the individual child.
     
  9. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    When I dropped them off this morning, there were some "new" kids in his class for the summer. They actually used to be with V in the previous preschool (the one I pulled him out of). As I saw the familiar faces, I smiled and greeted them. V just stared with a blank face. I reminded him of their names and told him to play with them as it is all new to them. I figured it would be nice for V to be with some of his old classmates (and they are cute well behaved kids).
    When I picked them up, I asked V about his day and who he played with. After a few more questions, V told me that he did not remember those previous classmates! He had no clue who they were. He knew where they came from since the teacher and I told him, but he had no memories of it. V had been with them for almost 2 years and he saw them last in mid March. A little weird.. specially when I know he can remember past events from 2 years ago or so.
    His memory seems to fail him in some areas such as academics and face recognition. If he can't remember faces very good (he will confuse people who look a like/have common features), I suppose it could be a real social barrier. Top it with difficulties remembering names.
    Maybe Partner allows him to refresh his memories on all this data and therefor opens him the door for good social interactions? I am not sure if this theory holds any water, but V's comment on not remembering those kids must be important, a piece of the puzzle.
     
  10. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Absolutely it's another piece of the puzzle. For some kids, if it's not important to them at the time, it won't move to long-term memory. Their brains only have room for the "really" important stuff. Know what I mean??
     
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Or.... there can be working memory problems, and places like school where there is so much more going on, can be very taxing of working memory, making these kinds of things likely to be pushed aside as not important enough to be worth the effort to remember.

    Or... it can be a social thing. Seems like everybody I went to school with remembers me - and I'm talking hundreds of people. I remember... a very small handful. I wasn't socially "connected". Most of that side of things went right over my head. I do better now... but it took a good 10 years after uni before I had enough mental and emotional capacity left over to actually build "connections".
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm seriously wondering if he has a physical problem. Has he ever had a brain scan or MRI or CT scan (or whatever they are called these days). I have face blindness (it is common with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), but can exist without it). You may not remember the person's face, but you certainly remember the person after somebody says, "Remember Robert?" You don't forget the person, just the way the person looks. I would check out all medical possibilities in the brain, if it were my kid. V's development has been downright bizarre.

    Huggles and hope you get your answers.
     
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    But isn't what V was doing "face blindness"? At 5,he's too little to differentiate between not remembering the face and realising that he does remember the people - whom he is seeing again just today after some months - but not what they looked like.
    I dunno, ktllc. I honestly dislike it when people start slapping labels on over the internet but to my completely untrained ear, V really does sound like he has autism. Time will tell, I know, and you have all in place to get that evaluated. I just think you may need the services that getting the label will guarantee.
     
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    Ktlc, I think your theory is right on the money! I also have face blindness. The name I'll remember, but even after I have the name, I still sometimes have difficulty retrieving the name/face memory connection. It's dependent on many factors.

    Just recently, we confirmed with an awkward encounter with her good friend's mom that DD1 has this as well. What's interesting/confusing with her, is that she doesn't seem to have this problem with peers, only with adults.
     
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Malika, I think you're wrong. I always had face blindness (and we don't even know if V has it). And I would always remember who the person was once I was told. I just didn't recognize the person's face. Once I was given the name and a short example like "The kid you were in drama class with" I had no trouble remembering who the person was.
    V sounds a lot like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), but it sounds like more too. He is very puzzling. He doesn't seem to fit anything that well and his development isn't getting any better. I'd check out the medical stuff.
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hmmmmmmmm, this is interesting. I always remember who the person is immediatally after I'm told. When I was a child, I would often be embarassed though because I'd go up to "Linda" and say "Hi, Linda!" and she's snicker and say, "You crazy? THAT'S Linda. I'm Sherri. Are you dumb?"

    There are social ramifications for sure. And, as I said before, I've studied it a bit, since I have it and it is common with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Along with face blindness often people seem to have no sense of direction. I actually can't picture anything in my head unless I am looking at it, including my own house. I can't describe it.
     
  17. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    MWM, V is actually a very healthy little boy. He just had his yearly physical and the pediatrician could not believe how much he grew (over 4" which is a lot for his age). I agree that he does not fit nicely in a category, but it might seem stranger than it actually is because I tend to share the negative, the puzzling parts. I don't talk to you guys about all that is great about him, which counter balance the negative. He is affectionate, wants to do good, loving towards animals, likes to chat with grown-ups, very inquisitive about things, enjoys one on one with husband or myself, protects his little sister, etc.
    He's had a test for seizure and everything is fine.
    And yes, Malika, V being only 5, it is always hard to really know the root of the problems. Specially when you take into account that he exclusively gives single word answers (but can talk a lot when he starts a topic). I find myself wondering "what did he mean" quite a bit.

    I crave for answers, but I don't believe it is for any time soon. At the same time next year, maybe?
     
  18. keista

    keista New Member

    MWM, I'm guessing like most everything else it's a spectrum type thing. Interesting article. I got a 52% on the Famous faces test.

    One thing I know for sure. I'm glad I have never, and hope I never need to, identify someone from a line up of do a police artist sketch. So NOT going to happen.
     
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ktlc, I do not want to scare you, but I was thinking of things like tumors. They wouldn't be visible. I don't think he has one, but I don't think it's a bad idea to check it out.

    I do not think your son is not a nice boy. I think he IS nice. I just find his development very strange. He has a lot of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) about him yet he seems even "more." In a way, from your description, he seems to be in his own world and disconnected from what others are doing some of the time. But moreso than most Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids I have known. Of course, the ASDers I've met are pretty high functioning.

    I think your son is wonderful, but definitely a puzzle. I suspect he will continue to puzzle psychiatrists and therapists which is why I suggested a brain examination to make sure he does not have a physical problem.
     
  20. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Ktllc, the more "negatives" you share, the more V sounds like each of my kids. They are both on the spectrum. I REALLY don't want to come across as diagnosing or pushing a certain one so I'm only sharing the similarities between what you've shared and my own personal experiences with my kids. Please take it as only that.

    forgetting faces after a period of time-(difficult child 1)- my previous post relays difficult child 1's "experience"
    "He is affectionate" - (both),
    "wants to do good" - (difficult child 1)",
    "loving towards animals" - (both but especially difficult child 1), l
    "ikes to chat with grown-ups" - (difficult child 2),
    "very inquisitive about things" - (difficult child 1),
    "protects his little sister" - (both will protect each other)

    I find your observations and puzzle-piece finding rather interesting. I still find myself finding more pieces, just not as often.
     
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