Tomorrow son turns 22

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    My oldest turns 22 tomorrow and I'm feeling rather sad. I haven't spoken to him this week, I am trying to back off and not text him too much.

    We are taking him to dinner tomorrow. He asked if we could get him groceries instead and I told him we could do both. I didn't mind buying him food, I just won't give him any cash.

    He mentioned the 200 I lent him last month... And said could we take what we would spend on a gift off the debt. To be honest, I didn't even consider that, as he owes us so so much more than that. I'm glad not to have to buy him a gift however. I think the fact he even thought of it is maybe a good thing?

    I am really trying to find some faith in him, I think I've given up. I found out today one of the girls he has gone to school with since kindergarten has gotten a full time job teaching.... I have to say I am very envious of how proud her parents are of her. I've been friends with them a long time and all of their kids are great. My son and this girl were playmates as young children, and friends in high school. It all seems so unfair. I'm having a pity party for one tonight.... I don't want to say anything to anyone.... I still feel so much shame over his choices.

    I want to feel proud again of my son, to know he is going to be ok. It's so so scary.

    Trying to keep positive... But realistic
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    We r taking our son out in the next few weeks for his 20. I am right where you are partying for one. Last week I was proud of him for living amongst drugs for a w eek and testing clean to reenter Sober house. Our friends are getting their kids back to college....My kid doesn't even look like himself. His medications have really. Bloated him.

    He comes home in a month...We can't afford to keep him where he is..but too young to be alone. He loves working.. but a schedule at home .....I don't know

    Im thinking your son is in treatment? You are not alone...though I feel that way very often. Ours does not communicate regularly....unless he has a question.

    I feel the shame too..but remember they were out of their mind...My son did say he was as crazy as he thought he was. They are young..the journey long.

    I would give my life to know he will be ok....but that is not how it works. I have two other children who are different.

    Hugs to you...I'm right there with you.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The parents on this board really understand your feelings surrounding his birthday. It is like pouring salt on an open wound when we see the kids they grew up with flourishing while we are overjoyed when ours come home sober or manage to get up and go to a minimum wage job. It truly $#@&$ to be us sometime.
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  4. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    As a mom who saw old friends last wkend and was asked about son, I get it. I'm just finally able to answer to certain people that he's drunk and mostly homeless. It honestly feels good to tell the truth, even to a select few.

    I have also felt this, I'm sure many of us have. Big hugs to you. I get it. Prayers.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I feel your pain like the other moms here. My son will be 21 the end of August.

    I really thought he'd be the shining start out of our three boys. He just has something they don't have.

    Oh yes and the addiction. He has that that they do not have also.

    I am trying to encourage my son to get a job in a restaurant again which he seems to think is beneath him (waiting on other people). I told him it's a job and not a career and good for his recovery (if he's even doing that). Then he texted me at bedtime last night that he really does want a job. All he and his girlfriend do is sit at the beach. Oh well that's tough. I was up all night trying to think of what to say back - as if it really matters.

    Stay strong and hope that you have some good news someday soon. I hope that I do too. His dad keeps telling him to "make us proud". I don't know when or if that will be.
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  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I get that Colleen...gee, A bad day at the beach is better th a. No day at the beach. It angers me sometimes that as he eats with friends I'm skimping on groceries to help his a__. His brothers have school fees, school needs..etc. My son will work anywhere...but we still sacrifice......

    Glad to know I'm not alone.:) thanks to all of you.
  7. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Sorry college..your son is not at the beach. Praying for all our addicts clarity
  8. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Just got home from dinner. I could tell the minute I picked him up it was going to be tense. He came out looking greasy and dirty, and maybe stoned. He picked an expensive sushi restaurant so I figured he would clean up a little... Nope. I kinda mentioned did he want to clean up a little... Big mistake. He refused, so I just took a deep breath and drove to the restaurant, cringing... Hoping no one I knew would be there. I'm terrible!

    I mentioned to him some of my students have heard about their student loan status, as he has applied... Again, mistake.... This turned into another argument about the value of a university education. I couldn't stop myself, I'm a guidance counsellor and it's my area of expertise in terms of admissions, etc... As he mentioned trade school, and I explained he missed the deadlines, and his student loan application was on his going to university.. Ugh

    My husband ended up mad at me, saying I should leave it alone... So that just made me feel worse. Son then felt bad because he could see it caused a disagreement between us.

    Dinner ended on a better note.... But why does it always have to be so tense.....

    I hate it.
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I'm so sorry. I have been there and this is where it gets tricky. What we want for them does not matter. Truly...if he wants school...He has to make it happen or ask nicely for help. If he's anything like our son, he can't make future plans, he just can't.

    Cleaning up...ugh. I have tried to ignore the obvious...certainly you would expect him to care.. , I always think aren't they embarrassed...nope. they simply don't love themselves enough. I pray for the day I don't have to hint...' please look nice'.

    We found out our son had his lip pierced...I had a cow! I told him if he wants to live at home, on our insurance, under our roof the piercing goes. When he's on his own...He can disfigurement his self any way he wants. He is starting to slowly see the light.

    I know how hard this is...but reality, he is not going to look like that preppy college kid right now. Maybe never.

    He has to work to get better...when they work t he steps they continuously have to take self inventory's their timeline.

    I'm learning... cringing....crying....but living. You are not alone!
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  10. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    My husband just told me he has zero faith that our son can do university. Not that he isn't smart and capable but that he is still too messed up by his drug use.

    I think he is right.

    But at this point we have to let him figure things out himself. I want to have faith in him... It pains me to not have some hope he will be able to have a normal life.

    My husband told me tonight that he has been struggling himself with depression due to all the stress and that he is trying to just detach from the emotional drain that has been our life the last few years. Even our youngest son, we worry about him too. He doesn't use drugs but he has found school hard his first year, and isn't sure what he wants either.

    I sometimes wish we didn't have kids.... Is that terrible? We had many many wonderful years with our boys, but the last few have been so miserable and terrifying that I have all but forgotten any joy I found in motherhood.

    I feel like a shell of a person.
  11. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Oh sweetie,

    We have been there. Find support for yourself and your family.

    I felt that too.. don't let his poor decisions ruin your family..He doesn't get that. Boundaries....

    Our son od in college....We lost all his money, school does not care about mental illness or drugs on campus.

    Praying for your need to care for deserve joy. Hugs
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter had a pierced tongue, eyebrow, nose, several ear piercings etc. when she used drugs. I really considered that a big nothing compared to the drugs. Actually, except that she had so MANY, piercings didnt bother me. The black clothes and lipstick bothered me

    When she got a job she was told she couldnt wear her piercings at work. She got rid of them bit by bit and now she just has pierced ears. I wouldnt get off topic. the skin grows together and you dont want to give him something to mope know, how you dont understand him.

    When he straightens out and wants s job, he will probably get rid of it on his own.

    That pierced eyebrow was so gross...I had to bite my tongue, but I did and its gone, thank God.
  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Lol...well, tattoo doesn't bother me...and he works so it is removed...He seems to be growing up a bit...don't want to curse it.

    Have had a bit of recovery I said, he talks of other people when vents.

    First he's really talked in a few days.

    I don't even have pierced ears...but a tattoo, lol
  14. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I really know how you feel about your oldest son. I would seriously not push college right now. He is not ready and he probably will not be successful and then he'll have something else to be down on himself about. I am like you, want that so much for my son who is very smart and wants it but he is not where he needs to be mentally or emotionally so it would be a waste of time and money. I had to accept that and it sucks I know. So many things we've had to accept that we don't want to accept. You just want them to MOVE ON already. Why can't they just MOVE ON????

    I get the dirty bird look. I would get so angry with my son and want to throw him in the tub and scrub him like when he was little!!! He was so anal about his hygiene and looks back then. Complete 180.

    Sometimes I wish we never had our youngest son too. We both had a child from our first marriage when we met. I wanted one with my husband. I remember his mom was against it because "her son" was already paying child support. LOL. I often think if we had only listened to her.... I feel awful about that too. Our oldest two are good boys and we are so proud of them.

    Don't get me wrong, I love my son dearly but he has suffered so much and so have we and what's the point? Will this be his life? Will he always just suffer with addiction and never be strong enough to get out of it? I am really starting to wonder. Just so much pain for all of us...
  15. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    He came home to sleep today because his apartment has no AC and its really hot.

    He is probably going to sleep the whole day away, not working, and I can't stand being here. I will go out.

    He is the one who decided to go back to university, not us, as we told him no more money. This is why he applied for student loans. Last night was the first time he indicated he may not want to go again.... Honestly I don't know why I keep hoping.

    He doesn't seem to be using hard drugs, but he totally could be, as He doesn't live here so I don't really know. I am just so fed up and sad all the time. I'm only happy when I'm out of the country and can pretend I don't have kids! When I come home it's all here...and I feel so so defeated.

    I thought I was getting better and happier. But I feel like I'm falling back in a hole again....
  16. culturanta

    culturanta Member

    The only thing you can do is detach with love. He has his own destiny waiting for him. By trying to 'help' we only end up hurting our children and ourselves.
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I think he is talking about college because he knows that's what you want to hear. Then you'll think he's "okay" even though you KNOW he isn't. My son did this.

    You can't fool a loving a mother. We know our kids. We know when things are off. I look back now and I was right every time. Even when my husband had no clue.

    It's hard on the men too. They hold it in. I know that is how my husband is. I go to therapy weekly. I go tonight. I can't wait.

    Why don't you do that? This effects you more than you think. It trickles into every aspect of our lives.
  18. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Colleen. Hang on. This is the hardest-what we want and think is good for them vs. what they want.
    Please try to remember feelings aren't facts--I think this gets at a mom's heart worst of all-we specialize in emotions. It helped me to look at my son's situation more as my hubby did with an "if that, then this" perspective. If he doesn't get loans-he won't go to university. You have taken many positive steps to loft him. He's out of house (be sure he is clearly understanding that he is now just "visiting your air con"). You made him aware you will give food but not $. All are steps to go on with your own life, as you should. He may need to support himself awhile to ever appreciate the doors an education opens.
    You are such a loving mom, possibly now what he needs is a tough mom, one who holds the line. You can do this, it's time to be good to yourself, your husband, your future.
    A therapist once asked us "do you really want to be still doing this in 10 years?" We were horrified at the thought. If not now-then when?
    We often can't change situations, but you can change YOU. Do something new and different, get busy to clear your worried mind. You're so worth it. We are stronger together-if you hang on, someone else will grab a thread and feel like they can. Prayers.