Trying not to get caught up in his moods etc.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Sep 6, 2015.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK so the good thing is our son is talking to us more.... but the result is I am getting a better sense of his moods and he fluctuates a bit, probably like all of us. And the kid hates rules!!! So tonight we talked to him and in the conversation he expressed some frustration because he wants to move on with his life.... I did tell him he has come a long way in 6 weeks, to think about that and to take it one step at a time. He seemed to hear that. He also expressed some frustration with the program making a comment that it is like all other programs.... and I reminded him they have bent over backwards for him (his words in a recent upbeat conversation) and so in fact they are not like all other programs. I think he heard that too..... and then he told us he is going to get around the rule about his phone..... ugh. I hate that and I kind of wish I didnt now know that.... but it is his stuff to deal with and i am staying out of it. BUT it worries me....... and yet the next time we talk to him he might have resolved his living situation. They did not accept his proposal that he came up with for sober living and put a lot of conditions on it which he didnt like.... so I know he has to work through it. I have to remember that when he started there, he was just planning to do one week of detox and he has stayed there for 6 weeks, all voluntarily with no pressure from us.... and so he has to figure this out.

    But it is so darned hard for me not to get caught up and not worry about it. I need to repeat the serenity prayer to myself..... and go to my alanon meeting!
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, TL. It's hard for me too. I think it's some gene that gets turned on when we have kids - our own OR adopted...
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Your son has made a series of excellent choices. One after another. Nobody consistently, forever, makes excellent choices. He is bound to err. From this he will learn. You know this.

    I think we as parents are so fragile, frightened and beat up by the time they do turn things around, we wait with baited breath for things to break down. Again.

    We know but lose sight of the reality is inevitable that the winning streak will break. And that it is not the series of wins that counts, it is the batting average. Your son has been batting a thousand.

    Something essential in him seems to have changed. Even if he errs in judgment every now and then...he needs to in order to learn, to reach the next level.

    He is doing it. And so are you.
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    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Well put, @Copabanana!
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I read and I know TL. I was never very good at not worrying when I sensed my daughter trying to get around the rules. She was never good at rules either, from very early on. If he could only get his sobriety behind him he wouldn't have to follow anyone's rules.

    I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well I think the rule thing will always bean issue for him cause fact is society has rules we all have to follow....most of us don't think about them cause it wouldn't occur to us to break them! However maybe some maturity will help!

    Talked to him again tonight and it was an upbeat and positive conversation! Apparently he had an altercation with another guy but they sat down with staff and worked it out....he was feeling good about it and about himself and the way he handled it...he feels he is making progress!!!
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hate to be a negative nellie but until our difficult children are finally willing to accept rules I am afraid that they will have problems with lasting sobriety. My Difficult Child was (is?) the same way. Rules were stupid and she always was scheming to get around them. The problem is that staying sober is also a rule so that doesn't seem important either.

    I remember being told at the parent's meeting at my Difficult Child's rehab that until they are willing to totally surrender to the program and accept that they will follow all of the rules willingly that they will never achieve lasting sobriety. It certainly was true in my daughter's case. She says she has been sober now for 8 months and I hope it is true but I have distanced myself from her so I don't know if she has changed in her attitude towards following the rules. I was encouraged to hear from the last therapist that the staff was encouraged by how dedicated my Difficult Child was towards sobriety.

    I hope I am wrong in your son's case but I do see his attitude about breaking the rules as a red flag.

  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    My daughter adheres to the rules very strictly - even when she is out on pass. It truly amazes me and shows me how far she has come. Now she may not agree with all of them, but she is adamant about following them...
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Kathy you are so right.... and that is exactly why I am concerned! The rule he is breaking is around the phone, which apparently is pretty common (according to him). We will see what happens. It does sound like he is following the other rules...and all I know is that it is important for me to stay out of it and let him learn and do this his way. I am trying real hard at this point to be low key in my responses and very supportive of his sucesses and leave it at that.

    One of the requirements they have for him to use the current housing as sober living is for him to get a sponser. He didnt like that which of course is another red flag.... but in talking to him further the issue for him is not that he doesnt want a sponser but he wants to get someone he can trust and feel comfortable with. Now of course that may be an excuse, but remember he has been through this a million times before.... and so I think he migth be right, it is important for him to find the right sponser.....I do see a change in how he is handling things and that is good. I think he is aware that he needs to do this his way and although I think that is somewhat counter to general wisdom I think he is right. He needs to totally own his recovery. He has done this so many times and I think the only way he is going to own it is if he does it his way.

    I will also say there are things that I am not hearing this time around. Most of the time I am hearing about how this program is different, that they have bent over backwards for him. I am not hearing the staff is stupid, or even that the rules are stupid or that meetings are stupid. He is going to meetings and when I asked him about them he said he looks forward to when he can choose which meetings he goes to.... he has said that meetings tend to be redundant (true) but he acknowledges that they are helpful. He is an atheist and I know he has always had trouble with the God part... but now he is talking about using your own interpretation of higher power which fo him is more around the community (that is true fo me too). So this is very different from the past where I got the feeling he just didnt like meetings period... not getting any of that this time around.

    So I am fully aware this is one step at a time.... but in most ways he is still doing this very differently than the past. I have come to the place where this is a step along his journey.... I no longer see this as a one shot time that he will either succeed or fail at. It is all apart of his process and that process is going to be ongoing.....and ongoing for a very long time.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So he is still doing well. The other day on Fb he posted a picture of the AA book and then on top of it the key ring that says clean and serene for 60 days!!! Of course I am happy about the 60 days but also glad he posted it on Fb showing that he too is proud of it. It is nice to like his fb posts!
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  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sounds Great. He may actually be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pasajes that was actually something my daughter's addiction counselor use to say, that at some point they will get sick and tired of being sick and tired.