turning grg over to the state and child support payments

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by notsohappy, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. notsohappy

    notsohappy New Member

    I am new to this forum. My 15 year old difficult child was raped by a 24 year old. She did not tell us about it. About 7 months later, I found out and reported it to the police. The rape did something to her brain wiring and she has shoplifted, lied, done drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. The officer said in 15 years he has never seen someone go down hill so fast and we had 3 choices. We could have her go to jail, we could lock her in the basement 24/7, or we could turn her over to the state since we can't afford to give her the treatment - Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that she needs. We decided to go with the turn her over to the state option. At court they said we are being charged with neglect (they say they can't prove it and they will amend it but we don't think we should count on that). They also say we will have to pay child support and we did a calculator estimate and came up with 750 a month. We can not afford that. We will probably have to sell our house or go into deep debt. We are meeting with an attorney today, but it is all a whirlwind of information and decisions. What can we do about the child support? Our insurance won't pay until we meet the 6,000 deductible and then they don't fund things that are not "necessary". It has been reassuring reading other posts to know that we are not alone. She has been diagnosed with ADD. She also has tried to kill herself a couple of times and suffers from depression. She is in AT now for her own protection.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. I have not had experience in this difficult area of parenting. I can only imagine how difficult it must be and how much worse it must be for her. Has she had counseling by well trained professionals in the area of sexual trauma? Was the perpetrator incarcerated or is he still "on the streets"? Is your community small where "everybody knows everything"? I'm sorry but I don't know what AT stands for. Could you explain?

    Other will be coming along soon. Glad you found us and sure hope we can provide support. Hugs DDD
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I don't have any experience with this either, but I wanted to say hello and welcome to the board.

    Has your daugher been in any kind of therapy since finding out about the rape?
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    HI. I know of a family going through similar. Their son just broke mom's arm and mom has a fatal illness and two smaller kids so this kid who has autism and is bi-polar was brought to the hospital and they refused to pick him up. They too say they are charging the parents. the child protection worker said they had to take him home and if anything happened they would happily take the two other kids. It is so messed up.

    SO they are doing a chips petition on the boy which you can do voluntarily but these people are out for blood and wont allow it. Can you ask about doing it (chins in some places, chips in some places) you would likely still have to contribute but I think others here say that they do some kind of sliding scale in most situations and you can work out payments.

    You have to do what you have to do and I hope that parents who are here and have walked that walk will help you with more ideas. It is unbelievable that in the USA we throw these kids away or throw the parents under the bus. Really awful.

    HUGS to you and I am glad you found us. (hang tight, I am SURE some of our board family will be along)
  5. notsohappy

    notsohappy New Member

    We tried one counselor and grg and counselor were not a match. We found a really good counselor (that has experience with sexual abuse ) that she liked, but she needs more help than once a week. Her self confidence is way down and she has a really hard time saying no. She does not want to give information about the 24 year old. He is still on the streets. AT is like detention (where the criminal kids go) but she is being supervised 24/7 and we can go visit her once a day if we make an appointment. Only family on the approved list can visit. She has seen a couple of boys in DT that asked her if she turned them in. (She did not but they found out about them when they were looking into her case). In AT they are separated from DT and they are less stringent about what we bring her like clothes and things. She has done alcohol, drugs, sex, and shoplifting. I checked CHIP and we make too much money to qualify. Our community is small, so there are a lot of people that know. It has stressed our family emotionally. We have a daughter who is 12 and we have been focusing all of our attention on our 15 year old. At least now we can focus on our 12 year old. We also have an 18 year old son who is doing well. The judge said well if you came here more often you would know what to do at court (he was making a joke). She is in AT until they decide on where she should go, probably they will decide today and try to get her placed tomorrow. Thanks for the posts. We don't have anyone else to talk to that has been through anything remotely similar.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Buddy, I don't mean to hijack the thread, but I have to ask this because it caught my eye. Are you saying that they told the parents that they had to bring the violent kid home and if something happened at the house they would take the other two kids away? That's just messed up.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Notsohappy, welcome.
    What a mess. How awful. That poor girl. And I know you are heartsick. I hope that she is off of the street drugs now, and that she didn't get too deep into it. I wish you could afford therapy more than 1X a wk. I have absolutely no advice, except to get a lawyer, which you have already done.
    Many hugs.
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    YES!!!! This kid now is in county care, mom is not allowed to see him, he is in a residential care setting and it sounds like the child protection worker is telling him, you dont really believe you have a disability do you??? It is sooo sad. I know OF her and I dont know her, but I did send through our mutual friend the addy for this forum. I KNOW people here will be able to support her. I think I heard she has had a stroke over things as some here have said they have. I hope she joins.

    (I guess they are saying he is doing beautifully there and so what is the big deal...how they can blow off the arm??? And the ongoing requests over the years for county help and support, asking for help... it is disgusting)
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    There are RTCs that specialize is helping rape victims. Maybe they can place her in one of them???
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Make sure you have an attorney to help you.

    Bunny, it is COMMON for the parents to be threatened this way. Most parents take the kid home and are nto heard of again because they figure out a way to handle things on their own. WE were told that CpS would take my easy child's if we didn't pick Wiz up from the hospital. They also told us taht if we "allowed" wiz to hurt Jess again then they would take the easy child's AND charge us with child endangering for having him in the home. But CPS would give us NO services or help. Wiz was in a psychiatric hospital for 4 months when they threatened all of this. After the 1st visit with Wiz the social worker (sw) told us he was "the next Hannibal Lector" but her written report talked about what a sweet boy he was. She interviewed Jess at school and first was angry because the principal stayed in the room and then she convinced Jess taht Wiz tried to kill her in her sleep BECAUSE SHE DESERVED IT!! i am NOT joking or exaggerating and it has caused huge problems for Jess emotionally. This sw was so awful that the principal ended the interview early AND filed formal complaints against her. This principal has a LOT of influence in our area and it really went a long way to helping us when she did this. The sw was very new, NOT stable emotionally, and got fired because the principal's complaints.

    It was AWFUL because we thought CPS was there to protect all our kids. But it is cheaper to house the 2 easy child kids than to house and care for one difficult child kid. THAT is the reality and is why they often threaten parents with charges, removal of the other kids, and so many other awful things.

    in my opinion always have an atty with you if you need to go through this.

    notsohappy, what does your daughter think of you surrendering custody of her? I know it is a terribly hard thing to survive, but she seems to be in a LOT of pain and not coping with it well. I hope taht whatever happens it results in all of you getting the help that the family and difficult child need. This is such a terribly hard situation for the survivors and their families.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Bunny, it is COMMON for the parents to be threatened this way.

    Sick, sick, sick.

    I,too, am wondering about difficult child's reaction to all of this. Do you have contact with-her?
  12. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Welcome notsohappy and so sorry you have to be here. We have been through this exact senario. Our daughter was raped by 3 men when she was 13. We did not know until she was placed in her first Residential Treatment Center (RTC). We depleated our savings and an annuity and got some help from our church. We had tried everything-medications, many counselors, school change, psychiatric-hospital stays, activities, you name it. She was sexually acting out, smoking pot, running away, messing with gang members and not doing well in school. She was not safe. She was there for 18 months and was worse than ever when she got out. Though they had diagnosed her with PTSD-they had not treated this with any proven trauma therapy.

    She began acting out again and running for days at a time. She was unable to make sober, normal friends and horrible rumors circulated at school about her. She had to be placed in an Alt. high school where she attended a total of 3 days out of 20 and we could not get truency charges filed nor any charges on running. After another psychiatric ward stay she was placed on a medication that aggitated her and she finially pushed us (she had never been psysical before) and we filed assault charges that stuck. We finially got before a judge. I had called everywhere and tried and tried to get help-nothing unless we filed charges and got before a judge.

    We were also told that we would be accused of neglect as a formality basically. We consulted with a lawyer because we both work for a school district and did not want our jobs in jeopardy. Nothing came of the charges. Against our wishes, difficult child was placed in what was supposed to be a therapeutic foster home. It was a single mom, who had another foster daughter who actually got pregnant on her watch! There was less supervision in this home than my own. When difficult child was ill, this women did not take her to a doctor-we drove across town and took her and she ended up having pnemonia. The women also refused her the right of calling us. The list goes on and on! difficult child ran from this home and came back to us. The judge removed her from the foster home, chastised DCFS for their poor placement and placed difficult child in state jjs custody so we could get the residential DBT treatment we had first requested.

    This was also a nighmare! The state was actually ordered to make changes to this program because the abuse difficult child suffered there-she almost completed suicide this place was so horrible. We also had to pay a huge amount of child support. We did it but had to cut corners everywhere! It was an 11 month nighmare!

    We found very cheap EMDR therapy through our rape crisis center once difficult child was released. She stopped running away as a result. It is a long road to travel when a girl has been raped and we also found out repeatedly molested by a cousin 3 times her age. The trauma must be addressed. Make sure she gets trauma help. These state places are horrible at keeping up with the research and what works-trauma is a huge issue and most specilists agree nothing will change unless that is dealt with. We are still stuggling and it is a roller coaster. The mental illnesses that are triggered by traumas can be very difficult to treat. Some kids like yours and mine are just predisposed and lack resielience.

    It has been 3 years of sheer he**. We were desperate when we went to the state for help. Knowing what I know now, I would be involved and very careful. Some part of me thinks sending difficult child away to try to keep her safe (locked up basically) caused her to have more trauma and abandonment issues. We did what we could at the time and what we thought best. She did learn some great skills. She has been home since late August. She just got a job (she quit her 1st one a month ago becuase she didn't like the people yadda yadda). We are hoping she makes it on this one. She could not complete regular high school-too stressful with the rumors and PTSD triggered by some of the boys there.. She took and aced the GED and finished school almost 2 years early-she will get a diploma and walk in the graduation line this summer. Our dreams for her are dashed. She still struggles with following rules, controlling, stealing money from us (petty amounts-but theft non the less), pot smoking. She is not at the time running or sexually acting out (we are pretty sure-but how do you know for sure?).

    Look into PTSD-she sounds like she has a lot of the typical symptoms of a girl who has been sexually abused but also may have PTSD. I doubt any neglect charges will stick if you have tried in other ways to help her. I hope this lawyer will not charge you for this consultation. We were advised to call DCFS and let them know our situation andour plan ahead of time. To also go to our HR person and let them know. We were supported by both places. ((A huge hug to you)). My heart is full and I have tears because I absolutely know your pain.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    This is all just a way to manipulate parents and "force" them into taking control so they don't have to spend money on services. You'd be surprised how much of this all really boils down to funding and politics.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Nsh, first welcome. I'm sorry for all that your family is going through.

    Can you fill us in on some of the details surrounding your daughter's rape, school setting and any type of therapy or medications that she's received? Has she met with anyone in regards to the rape, such as a victims advocate? Has the rapist been found, tried and or locked up? Since your daughter has been diagnosed with add, is she working with staff at school for any extra services, how is her performance in school? Did she change her crowd of friends?

    My now 22 y/o daughter was kidnapped and sexually assaulted at age 15. She met the 29 y/o on line and prior to the assault she thought she was pretty clever I'm sure, flirting with this older guy, etc. Everything happened very fast and we found out immediately the day it all happened and the police were involved, etc. My daughter needed counseling following the assault and she went through a time of stealing from us, stupid things, but also expensive things. Her therapist said stealing is a very big subconscious reaction to any kind of assault as a means to gain control of their world around them. She started hanging with losers, drinking, smoking, etc. We did kick her out and at other times she chose to leave on her own and couch surf at friends homes. And then she grew up. Last year she finally went to see a therapist on her own to deal with the sexual assault, her role in the events that happened and how her age and maturity level made it nearly impossible for her to exhibit any sensible thoughts or process the full ramifications of her choices. It's been a very big learning experience for her...and us as well. She has shared with us a lot. Also, for the first time since the incident, she was able to read the police report, her victims statement, and other court docs.

    I think it's really important to draw on every possible resource you have available, whether through her school or friends or your doctors, to try and get her on track. She will kick and scream eve step of the way, but you just stick to it. Did the court offer any type of resources to help you? Aren't there programs within the department of children and families that may be able to help?

    Your heartbreak and exhaustion come through in your post. I'm so sorry, sending hugs and strength.
  15. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    NSH-I wanted to tell you there is an appeals process and you can count what you pay for insurance coverage in that ammendment for child support. Ours was much more than 700 and we ended up getting about 300 dollars removed from the support by just sending in an appeals letter which usually comes with the first judgement amount. They also gave us 2 months with no payment for being on time during the application process. Don't know about your state but you may be able to get it reduced. I have also heard you can ask the judge for help???