Update-difficult child arrested this morning...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Sep 30, 2014.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Guess the Illinois trip is off.

    Ex husband called me yesterday to tell me he was at a stop light and saw difficult child trying to cross. Thought, "Who is THAT?" and realized it was him. Wasn't sure if he should , to quote him, "Be an a-hole and drive by" then decided to flag him down. difficult child got in the car, buzzed but not crazy. They talked and got a taco.
    Ex revealed that he knew about the warrant and difficult child asked him how he knew, but he didn't reveal his source.

    They talked for 45 minutes and difficult child said "Well I'll either be calling you from Ilinois or County Jail".

    I felt so relieved that ex had seen and talked to difficult child.

    This morning I checked the daily bookings and sure enough , his name was there. Arrested at 1 am. Charges are felony menacing and violation of a restraining order. I am speculating that since he's been living with the girlfriend, they got into a fight and cops were called.

    He already has 2 felonies-I don't know if this is an extension of that or an additional one. In which case he is screwed.

    I have an incredible guilty suspicion that since I told gfs mom about my son putting me in the ICU (she didn't know before and was pretty shocked) that this might have precipitated her telling her daughter to turn him in. This is TOTALLY a SYMPTOM OF MY ENMESHMENT. She had a right to know, right? The unhealthy part of me wanted to protect him. How effed up is that?

    Have had a couple of missed calls from him. Have no idea how in deep he is. Yet part of me feels relieved. He is SO much more a danger to himself and others on the outside world, though I feel sad that he could not sustain the initial good efforts he made, to try and comply. He just can't do it. It's beyond my comprehension, but what he chose...

    Thanks for following along, if you were able to bear yet another installment of the soap opera.
     
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    BG,
    You deserve the peace of mind of knowing he isn't coming towards you anymore.

    I think the girlfriend's mom had every right to know that she and her children were living in a home with a man who is capable of putting someone in the ICU. Was it the right thing to do? Who cares. Thats right I said it....who cares. None of the choices he is making are right. And you know what? No matter what you said or did he was going to wind up in jail.

    Take a deep breath. Grieve a minute or two for your son and his issues. Then remember the good things going on in your life and move.....forward!
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look...you are a good mother, which is why you care. We all want to rescue our adult children, but there comes a time when we can't. I don't think you are overly enmeshed with your son. You are under no obligation to tell his girlfriend, who likely knows all about him, what he has done to you. But you are under no obligation to keep it a secret either. And if you disclosed it while talking to the girlfriend's mom, oh well. Life happens. We can't and don't ALWAYS back off, even when we know we should. You were trying to protect her..it was NOT wrong. At the same time it is NOT wrong to wish to hello and back that we can protect our adult children no matter what they do. That's normal.

    Prison may help him. They have services there. He might decide to use them. If not, at least you will have respite from his drama and during that time, if you feel moved to do so, you can engage in lots and lots of therapy so that you are a stronger person once he gets out and are used to taking care of yourself first. Maybe it will be good for both of you. It is easier to detach and get healthy when they don't live with you. Take that from one who knows.

    Do not talk to him until/unless you feel ready to hear all the details. Maybe have a dear friend with you when you talk to him next...somebody to talk to afterward. You don't need to talk to him until you are feeling strong enough.

    We are here to read soap operas. We all have one going on. Holding your hand tightly and trying to send you strength and some peace. What happened happened. It is what it is. You are strong and can take it! And we are all here with you.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BG, go to Australia. Go rest. Go have fun. Go forget about all of this for awhile. There is nothing else you can do. Go have your life.
     
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  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear this, but not sorry that you are now safe from him showing up on your doorstep. You did nothing wrong. If he's capable of hurting his own mother, he's certainly capable of harming another woman. Wanting to protect him is understandable, just the same. I hope you go on your trip and manage to have a wonderful time.
     
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    That depends on whether he goes to prison or to county jail. There are many more options in prison than there are in jail.

    That said, he has made his choices. You are safe now, and either way you know that he's got a roof, he's warm, and he is getting fed.

    Now is the time take care of yourself.
     
  7. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Now today he went to court and they told him he would be able to transfer to Illinois, but he would have to show that he had family support. I told him he couldn't live with me and he got al paranoid because he thought the call was being monitored.

    He said he could have the same arrangement as he does with his father-he wouldn't live with me but at an appointed time daily, they would call me and I would lie and say he does. In the meantime he has already set up some people and places that want to help him so he would stay with them.

    He says he hates Colorado and nobody here wants to help him, not even his own father and brother. I couldn't think of anything to say. I said "That is your fault, because you are not a harmless person when you drink, so don't play the poor me card. You attract trouble"

    I AM going to Australia. I DON'T want my roommate to have to be afraid-she admitted she was, at the thought of him being in Illinois and having access to our apartment. We were both relieved when he got arrested because we THOUGHT he wouldn't be able to come here.I can't even let him in here.

    Now the stinking COURTS are supporting the idea of him transferring probation.

    One more effing thing. I'm surprised I havent had a heart attack.
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Tell him NO. I will not perjure myself for anyone.
     
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  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    They aren't supporting him they are passing the buck. Must really suck for difficult child to know the whole state of Colorado is fine with dumping him elsewhere.

    Personally I would contact the court and offer to do a telephone convo so that they could have it on record that you do not support him now and don't ever plan to again. If you don't difficult child may find a way to manipulate/annoy them and get to Illinois. Lord knows a good difficult child doesn't need a real supporting person they just fake one in order to run.


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  10. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thank you for saying that, pasajes! I am thinking about that aspect, too! Why should I put MY freedom and integrity at risk? Especially as he would doubtless go back to what he has always known and probably be extradited back to CO in a VERY short time!

    I'm also sure that he would invent all kinds of reasons to "have" to be at my place. In God know what state!

    I feel he is unwilling to face the music that he himself wrote, in fact telling me that he would accept the consequences of his actions. He's obviously willing to throw ME right under the bus.

    And he certainly wasn't very nice when I opposed him and wouldn't comply. But it would be enabling in its purest form. And that ship has sailed.

    But he told me to think about it. And it will take courage for me to have that conversation!
     
  11. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    I totally agree, dstc! That is the story he told me-"they don't know what to do with me and nobody will help". Do you think this is a snow job and he is just trying to gain my sympathy?

    It seems to me that he had TONS of support when he got out of jail.

    He said "I have nowhere to go and I will just be on the streets and drinking again" . Oh, and you're NOT gonna do that if you come to Illinois?

    I'm sure he DOES feel desperate and unwanted. But his actions created this and though he has mental illness issues, he SAID he was going to take whatever they gave him. Now that reality has hit, he wants ma to pull his irons out of the fire.
     
  12. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Yes. I think that is a snow job and he is just trying to gain your sympathy. There is not a legal system that does not have options; halfway houses, rehabs, etc., IF he's willing to do what it takes.

    I'd actually call his probation officer there and tell them you will not allow him to come stay with you...not even for one single night.
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would make that call too because if they think he has a place with you, they will transfer him to your address and then they can make all sorts of accusations about you hiding him or knowing things...yada yada. Nope...tell them you are not willing to be apart of his legal troubles.
     
  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I totally agree - with all the problems I have had with my difficult child at least none of them revolved around living in my space and I have the greatest empathy for those who feel obligated to help their mentally ill difficult child by allowing them to live with them. Heartbreaking for sure.


    I also agree with this - YOU MUST gather your courage to tell "the system" that you can not have difficult child anywhere near you" Personally, I believe that if he put you in the ICU with violent behavior, at minimum you should have a restraining order so that you and roommate put the system on notice that your home is not "his home" - and you are afraid of his violence. Although getting a RO seems harsh, it is now up to you to take care of your own personal safety and if that means utter and complete detachment, while that is not your fault, given another chance, difficult child could end up killing you the next time and this is something "the system" needs to be made aware of. If difficult child landing you in the ICU, isn't a wake up call to protect yourself from this very dangerous individual, I really don't what is. I REALLY, REALLY, think you need counseling on Domestic Violence, violence can and does, as this case is an example of, be perpetrated by you very own child. Domestic Violence does not just mean physical violence done to you by boyfriend/husband/partner - it also, as this situation shows, means your child can do it too. With the history between the two of you - forget about what a "mom" SHOULD DO" It is time to save yourself before he kills you!
     
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