Update on cherub, advice welcome

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by therese005us, Sep 28, 2009.

  1. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Well, I haven't been quiet because all my problems are solved - no sirree!
    I had all three cherubs last week, so I was run off my feet, hands, knees etc. It was fun though.
    Unfortunately, Dad is back! And DOCS are still dragging their feet about taking an Order out.
    However, putting that aside.
    Cherub went to the urologist appointment last week, he did an xray, and she is impacted again. He suggested (along with paediatrician) that she should come into hospital. bio mum says, not for three weeks, we're going away! Can you believe it? Then she returns her to me!
    Poor cherub has sore tummy. Pale, lethargic (poisoned no doubt).
    Movicol is 2 sachets a day (full strength). Today she did nothing!
    She thought she was being a good girl because her panties were clean each time I sent her to the bathroom. I rewarded her with a sticker, praised her, etc. All the time thinking, this is WRONG!
    I put an urgent call into the paediatrician to tell her what's happening as she wasn't there last week.
    Blue Nurse came to assess her, since she's moved into my care. I told her, and she suggested starting a clean out right away with 6 x sachets for the first three days. So I gave her four more today, - no result.

    Agreed with me, that if paediatrician suggests going to hospital, take her, and tell bio mum after she's admitted as then if she kicks up a fuss, we can call CPS and it will be a protection matter if she tries to discharge her.

    Otherwise, cleaning her out, before the holiday, might help but likely mom won't be medicating her while she's away, so she'll come back impacted again. Isn't that cruel?

    The whole thing is cruel.

    The urologist told bio mum it could be at least another 5 years before cherub is better....

    it seems it's the bowel problem causing the urinary tract problem - enuresis.

    And now the father is allowed supervised contact with cherub.
    How do we know for sure he isn't going on the same holiday for two weeks?

    It's all so complicated.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    What happens when you talk to DOCS about this and about your concerns? I would stress two things:

    1) bio-dad is back on the scene and concerns have been raised and not closed, about possible abuse.

    2) this kid needs urgent intervention medically and bio-mum is more concerned about her holiday schedule than ensuring her child is getting the help she needs. Who has the legal right to ensure the child gets the medical intervention requested/recommended by the specialists?

    Other than that, I'm not sure what to suggest. Rewarding her for clean pants can get some level of association in her head, but if it's not under her control, then any positive change will be very limited (probably purely coincidental).

  3. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    I have a legal right to get the medical attention as bio mum signed a paper stating that.
    I will be contacting DOCS as soon as I have spoken to paediatrician, who will then be able to confirm to them what's going on. It will carry more weight. As I'm not OFFICIALLY fostering cherub yet, because DOCS are still dragging their feet on taking out a temporary order, they don't have any authority over me, and vice versa. It's so complicated. I'm also going to contact the CV (Commission for Children, Young Adults & Guardians etc.) and they have more clout than me too. I guess I could contact them now, anyway, since the urologist has it on record that she's impacted?

    DOCs are supervising the visit with bio dad (perpetrator) once a week. I just can't believe they're trusting bio mum that he's not going on holiday with them! And he's already in breach of their 'safety plan' having visited with them unsupervised... I just have to prove it/catch him out.

    They don't see the need to take out ann order, as bio mum is 'cooperating' with them.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    How awful for cherub!!!! I am so ANGRY at biomom, perp and the system - they should ALL have Cherub's best interests in mind! But they don't.

    Go ahead and get the pediatrician to order her inpatient, or call the urologist and have them do it. Ignore biomom and stop telling her when appointments are if you can.

    If possible call ALL the groups with clout to get someone moving to help cherub get moving and keep her safe.

    My prayers are with you all.
  5. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Well, today I gave her a further 6 sachets of full strength movical. NOTHING!! just a few burps and a few pairs of undies with a little, little soil, liquidy stuff and urine. Poor cherub has been pale and cold all day, not exactly clammy. Not her cheerful self, sore tummy which is as tight as a drum. Spoke to Blue Nurse, who said keep an eye on her.... go to GP if I'm really, really worried as they might give an enema.
    WAtched, waited, and watered. Naturally, she was not so cooperative today.
    Usually when I give this much medicine I'm mopping it up by now.
    She went to bed early.
    Looking forward to getting on the phone to the paedicatrician tomorrow... hopefully she will admit her for the full treatment. Which I will do, and THEN inform DOCS, and then inform biomum.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Poor baby!!! From experience I know this is NO FUN. I remember Jess when she went through this. It was hideous. For her even the stuff they use for cleaning you out prior to surgery didn't help.

    Finally the pediatrician admitted her to the hospital for an old home remedy. A milk and molasses enema. A whole jar of molasses, warmed was poured into the enema bag. Then that same amount of warmed milk was added. They were mixed together and used as an enema (in stages).

    It HURT. But it worked. If it hadn't they were talking surgery. But she wasn't cold and clammy. Please check on her through the night.

    Hugs to both of you!

    Oh - you might try the pullup diapers or even go back to diapers, explaining that right now she cannot control things and it isn't her fault. Might make both of you feel less pressure.
  7. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Well, Wednesday morning I went into hospital with severe asthma. Everything went haywire from then on.
    Cherub was still having 6 x movicol each morning (full strength) and producing zilch! Worry worry! I tried to get hold of the Paediatrician. No go.
    Finally, yesterday, after 24 sachets of the stuff, nothing but a little dribble. She should have been doing it through the eye of a needle! So, I called on the paediatrician, of course, she'd just gone home! Tried the urologist, (all from my sick bed) no go. Got through to the registrar, who of course, didn't know the case. Suggested I go to the GP or local hospital. I was in one, so when I insisted on being discharged today, I also asked the doctor would he see cherub later. He agreed.

    went home, collected cherub and brought her back. She was examined rectally (not pleasant given the cirucmstances of sexual abuse) and found to have "rocks" and the worst case he'd ever seen. So, immediate referral to general hospital for treatment. She's there now. They plan on trying a different drink of medicine before putting the NG down.

    Bio mum, is of course, not happy about this as it wrecks her holiday plans. She still plans to go on Monday, however.

    Now I have to stop the father from visiting, mum's already tried to talk me round that one, but I've already wise up the hospital staff.

    I am home to sleep as I have to take DS 19 to work, and daughter to dancing on the way bak to the hospital. Hope to get there by 7am in the morning.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are sick. Asthma is so scary. It is so hard to care for ourselves when our kids need so much from us. You get extra hugs and snuggles for all the love and care you showed by using your time in the hospital to call for help for cherub.

    in my opinion the authorities NEED to get biomum and dad out of cherubs life permanently. Surely they will do far more harm than good to her in every way, shape and form. I HATE that they drag their feet so much and waste time going after parents who are NOT abusing children!

    Poor cherub. I hope and pray they will sedate her while they do further exams, or at least give her something to make her less anxious. in my opinion doing this kind of thing with-o that may damage her further.

    Let's all throw rocks at biomum for even TRYING to get round you so dad could see cherub. Glad the hospital is aware. What is DOCS thinking of?? Hopefully next week you can get get a hold of them to document this latest attempt to let Dad see cherub and light a fire under their tushies to get THEM moving on this.

    I so hope she is soon able to be more comfortable. Clearing out this kind of impaction is SO painful (been there done that). Does the hospital have a therapist on staff to work with her through this, so she can maybe understand that this is NOT further abuse?

    You truly are a real Warrior Mom. To all of your children.

    by the way, is this impaction part of the reason she has had so many problems toileting, esp at school? MAYBE it will help the aides feel ashamed of themselves and treat her better in the future.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Good point about the aides, Susie. I wouldcertainly be tellingthem about this. Not in any "you should have been more sympathtic" way, but in a "Poor darling, I wish we had understood just how bad it was for her" kind of way (which still should push guilt buttons nicely).

    As for biomum - she sounds like she's in denial in a major way. It is how she has coped in life. First, deny there is any kind of problem anywhere with anything. Next, when confronted with it - "you must be mistaken." TRhen when she has to admit that bad tings have happened, she uses "But it's alright now," or "It was never that bad; let's all be friends and play nicely again."

    For some people, the immediate lack of consensues = severe conflict and MUST be elimiated/ignored/deleted/erased wherever possible. They cannot mentally look ahead to see consequences, because again, that is painful and linked to more problems. Better to not try to look ahead; then you don't have to see the chance of nasty things coming up.

    "Think happy thoughts..." and if you needhelp to think' em, use whatever substances help you achieve this. Because for some people, life is just too painful.

    Unfortunately, this way of coping (and it IS a coping mechanism, even if its a bad one) may help the individual personall,y at least in the short-term. But long-term especially, and everyone else - it's disastrous. But for someone expert in denial, they are good at not thinking about oter people's suffering in this.

    Sometimes even very intelligent and educated people will try to make excuses for the abuser. A close friend of mine did this for some months after she discovered her hsuband had been abusing her daughter by a previous marriage. She would tell me, "I'm giving him another chance; you don't walk away from a marriage. Besides, I was partly to blame too, I was too busy with my work."
    She forgot to remind herself - she was busy with her work because HE encouraged it by saying, "Go ahead; you love your job. I'll be here to mind the little girl for you." And when he was found out, he accused my friend by saying, "You weren't there for me; you were never home. She was there and so willing... I'm only human. Maybe if we try again, I'm sorry, I won't do it agian, I must have been mad. But it was your fault too, it always takes two, I figured you must have known and been OK with it. She certianly thought so."
    That sort of nastiness can mess with anybody's head. It took several months of being apart from him (and discovering how he was now quietly chasing young girls who he had met as friends of the daughter - he hadn't changed, he hadn't stopped, he was using my friend unwittingly to continue to have access to other children) for her to realise that he was a monster and it had NEVER been her fault. She had been deliberately wooed by a pedophile who had never intended to simply marry her, he had only married in order to get the child in his control. It took her a good six months to finally begin to accept this; more time and long counselling before she could even begin to heal.
    The daughter in this case has been amazing. Once she saw her mother begin to fight back she began her own healing. The daughter is now an adult and has been in the same stable, long-term relationship for the last 6 years.

    My point is - when a mother is first told that the man she loves has been accused of molesting her daughter, it is very difficult to believe it. How long does it take to beleive? How much evidence do you need to be sure? it is NOT immediate. However, once it stacks up and begins to look overwhelming, most sensible people will at least give the benefit of the doubt to the child in terms of wanting to keep the child safe. Even if the mother beleives nothing ever happened and the child just made it up - the CHILD beleives it, the authorities are giving it credence, so the sensible option is to ALSO KEEP THE ABUSER SAFE from further accusations.

    Keep both of them safe.

    This is what my friend did - even when trying to save her marriage, she made it clear that there was to be no contact between her husband and her daughter. She stayed with her husband while daughter moved in with grandparents; she did hr best to keep her husband safe from further accusations. But when he walked right into more trouble and did it of his own accord (thinking she would protect him even when she had ultimate proof that this was not simply a one-off drunken mistake) she saw her daughter vindicated even at the expense of her belief that the past ten years' marriage.
    had been loving, happy and successful. Ten years turned to ash the day she found her husband was having a physical relationship with daughter's best friend.

    Not many women can face this and not turn to denial for solace.

    If bio-dad visits cherub, then it will be too easy for him to be accused again and not be able to defend himself. Especially when fingers are already pointing at him. Common sense says, even if he is innocent (somehow!??!) he MUST stay away until he can prove this.

    Bio-mum's insistence tells me that neither she nor bio-dad are very well endowed with common sense.

    DOCS dragging their feet - they're an over-large overloaded organisation who in the past have been accused of being too hasty, being too superficial and paradoxically, not doing enough to keep children safe. If thye get accused of stepping in too fast and too harshly, they can find themselves being caught up and having resources wasted in lawsuits which should not have happened.

    So they move too slowly, too carefully.

    Hang in there, Trish. Look after yourself. That dust storm has left a lot of health problems in its wake. I just saw my sister (from north coast NSW) and both she and her husband are struggling with breathing problems which came on right after the dust storm. At the wedding last night there were a number of people reporting similar symptoms - all the east coast people.

  10. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Therese, I just logged in after a few days, so I apologise for not writing sooner.

    I am so sorry for all you are going through.

    Thank heavens that Cheryl is in the hospital finally, and will have a clean-out there one way or another. You certainly had no choice since the situation had become really extreme.

    Good luck with everything.


    Love, Esther
  11. therese005us

    therese005us New Member

    Well, I've been lurking around the hospital now for it seems like an age. The most stressful part is when biomum comes to visit. She's already said i should have brought her in earlier, like Wednesday, so she could still have gone on holidays tomorrow (Monday). I very sweetly said, if she'd allowed the urologist to admit her last Tuesday........ ?? instead of insisting that it woul dhave to wait till after the holiday.

    Cherub has had one dose of picolax yesterday (90mg) and two today, with only a few very small results of watery, or sometimes a little flurry of faeces. The doctor will review tomorrow. I wish they would listen to what I've already told them about her; she isn't their usual/occasional admission of 'constipation'. However, tomorrow the two hospitals should talk to each other and get the history right!

    DD12 is really really tired too, as she spent the whole day with me. Biomum visited, and was very agro, guess her plans are a little haywire just now. She said she'd like to burn the hospital down... among other things; and discharge her and take her to the other hospital (she doesn't realise her records are there too!!) I'll breathe easier if she does go on her holiday tomorrow, though how a mother can put her holiday first, is beyond me...

    Cherub wasn't so cooperative today, but I get that at home too.
    Tomorrow the hospital will arrang efor the dietician, Occupational Therapist (OT); and a host of other helpers to come talk to me (and bio mum). I've probably heard lots of it before, but it's always helpful to hear it again, in case I missed something or pick some other helpful hints up. Biomum has no intention of 'wasting my time, hearing it all again' and that's her choice. Me, I waant al the info I can get.

    Will go and get the house straightened up and pack breakfast lunch and dinner for tomorrow.