Update on difficult child - another monkey wrench, ugh!

[greenrene]

So, difficult child has been out of my home for almost 5 weeks now. Things around here have been so calm, so nice, so peaceful... I hate to say it, but I don't miss her at all. Not even a little bit.

My sister in law and brother in law, on the other hand, have been finding out first hand what we've been dealing with for all these years. They let her have a (restricted) phone and limited internet access, and difficult child wasted no time whatsoever in breaking the rules regarding those privileges. They have her on a pretty strict schedule with very strict rules, and her grades have improved somewhat, but in some ways her grades are the least of my worries. They have gotten difficult child more testing, not sure who with although I told sister in law that a neuropsychologist would be best, but the results aren't ready yet. They also have her seeing a new, additional therapist. It's been a really rough ride for everyone.

The new therapist doesn't think that sister in law's house is the best place for difficult child, but I also know that OUR house isn't, either. Honestly, the thought of difficult child coming back to live in my house makes me feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack. She needs more help than we are able to provide, and I have 2 younger children that I have to protect, not to mention the new baby coming later this year. If it doesn't work at sister in law's house, I truly believe that the next step is a therapeutic boarding school.

This week difficult child is staying next door at my mother in law's because sister in law and family went out of town for winter break. Apparently she has been really acting out. She had an appointment with the new therapist last night, and this morning the therapist called husband and told him that difficult child had told her last night that she was molested (touched inappropriately, not raped) by our former neighbor's uncle (in KY) when she was around 5. husband said that difficult child was really wound up last night and was acting out a lot, and it carried through until this morning as well. We have no idea what to think about the molestation accusation. On one hand, difficult child is a habitual, almost pathological, liar - she is conniving, manipulative, deceitful, and has lied on MANY occasions about "abuse" (none this serious, however). She loves to try to get a reaction from people and get others into trouble, and it doesn't matter who she has to throw under the bus to meet that end. On the other hand, the person/circumstance that she is accusing is just so random, so obscure, so totally out of the blue... The time frame is off by a few years to where this could even have POSSIBLY happened, but I understand that those kinds of things can be confused in a child's mind. difficult child was hardly ever around this person at all. But, my biggest question is, if this really happened, why are we only finding out about this now? After all the therapists she's been to, some relatively long-term, why did she choose to tell THIS story to THIS therapist - IIRC, last night's appointment is only difficult child's second appointment with this therapist.

Never a dull moment in difficult child-world, even when they're no longer in your home...

by the way please, if any of you can point me in the direction of any good therapeutic boarding schools for teenage girls, please send me a PM. It's looking like it's more of a possibility, but I feel like I'm flying blind on just a Google search.

 

[DaisyFace]

Whew - a mixed bag of news for sure!

Well, good that sister in law and brother in law is seeing the behavior...that backs YOU up as not being the bad guy, which is always good for a parent.

As far as the alleged abuse - I would be very, VERY suspicious of that one....especially as it was supposedly revealed after just one appointment with a new therapist.

About a year or so ago, my own difficult child was scheduled to meet with a new therapist. Sight unseen, the therapist decided that difficult child's extreme behaviors pointed to sexual abuse - even though zero evidence for sexual abuse existed. The therapist explained that the nature of the behavior and personality disorder (Borderline (BPD)) indicated abuse, whether difficult child could remember it or not. I brought this issue here to the board for discussion - and we all agreed that it was probably best not to bring difficult child to any therapist who was going to push her to "remember" incidences of past sexual abuse.

Did anyone meet with this doctor before the appointment?

 

[buddy]

If you do a Google search saying Dr Phil therapeutic boarding schools ...hits for those his show uses and recommends comes up. He just did a show on what to look for and warnings. His site probably has the info.

 

[DammitJanet]

I agree with Buddy on the search for boarding schools. Good way to look.

Now about the abuse. I was sexually abused at the age of 3/4. I cant exactly remember which age it was but I know it was one of those. I know it was before I was 5. I remember it vividly and I have told it to everyone. It wasnt something I didnt suddenly decide to tell one therapist out of the blue when I wanted to get the attention off of me. In fact, I told immediately back then. It just wasnt handled well.

Now this isnt to say that some people dont repress memories but I would be suspect if you have a difficult child who does lie and manipulate and you have a reason to suspect that both her timeline are off and she really didnt have a lot of contact with this person.

 

[Bunny]

Buddy's suggestion of looking for a boarding school is a good one. Hopefully you will be able to find something that will be able to help her.

It's good that she is acting up for your sister in law/brother in law because that shows that she will behave that way with everyone and that it's not you. It's definitely her. As far as the abuse allegations, I'd be wary. If she has a history of lying just to get attention and she is willing to throw anyone under the bus is order to get the spotlight focused on her, it just sounds way to convenient that she suddenly remembers this now. Is it possible that she thinks that this "memory" will make husband bring her home to your house? Is she looking to come home?

 

[greenrene]

I was right - that appointment was only difficult child's second with that therapist. Last week, mother in law, brother in law, sister in law, and husband all met with this therapist (note who wasn't invited - yours truly - that's another issue altogether) to discuss difficult child. The therapist is well aware of difficult child's propensity to lie about any and everything, but of course she is also a mandated reporter, so... yeah.

As to the abuse allegations - we really do think she's totally making it up. During the same session the other night, difficult child told the therapist that we have a gun safe in our closet (true), that we have guns, bullets, a wedding ring, and weed in it (sometimes true except the weed part... actually we removed all firearms and ammo from the house a while back for this very reason, and she knows I keep my wedding ring in there because I told her, and for goodness sake there's no weed in there - good grief!), and that she knew the combination to the safe and was able to get into the safe whenever she wanted to (NOT true!). When pressed about being able to get into the safe, difficult child recanted and said that she didn't know the combination, but she could get into the safe by using a stethoscope and turning the combination wheel back and forth.

She also told the therapist that I did drugs during both my pregnancies.

WTF???????

I seriously wouldn't be surprised if CPS came knocking on my door at some point. I have nothing to hide.

The more I learn about all the BS she's telling people about us, the harder it is for me to be around her. She'll waltz in here all sweet-like, says she really misses us, says she really misses my cooking, blah blah blah... She's so ****ed two-faced that I really honestly just can't stand her at all. It's awful - I know she's a child and a lot of it she probably has little to no control over, but JEEZ. She thinks nothing of being sticky sweet to me one day and then throwing me under the bus the next. Screw that. I will tolerate her presence when I have to, but as far as she's concerned, I'm surrounded by a concrete block wall.

Yes, she wants to come back home, or at least that's what she told husband. I fear for sister in law and her family if difficult child decides to ramp up her bad behavior in an attempt to get them to kick her out. What difficult child doesn't realize, I don't think, is that home isn't an option. I can't have her in my home again the way things are. I just can't. husband told me last night that TBS is actively being researched, and that (and this is HUGE, here) he is on board and supportive of it. THANK GOD. The kid needs some serious help and a serious reality check.

 

[greenrene]

**** just got real. CPS and a cop showed up at difficult child's school today. She just happens to be on a field trip today, so she wasn't there for them to talk to. Yowzers. At least it's not US she's accusing, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past her.

 

[Bunny]

Did the school call you to let you know that the police and CPS were there to talk to her? That escalated quickly, although I suppose an allegation of sexual abuse will do that.

 

[greenrene]

The school called my mother in law because that's where difficult child is staying this week. mother in law told husband, and husband told me so I would be prepared should anyone come knocking at MY door. So far nobody has come. husband said that he's going to pick difficult child up from school at 4:45, and the CPS worker and cop are planning to be there as well. She also has another appointment with the therapist tonight.

 

[greenrene]

So, apparently last night's therapy session was not for the faint of heart. husband went in with difficult child, and he said the whole time difficult child was just trying to trash everyone in our family, especially him - yes, with him sitting right there in the room. therapist said she was "hitting the BS button" on several occasions and actually got upset with difficult child, saying that she was being very unkind to her father, and it was unwarranted. difficult child thinks that her life is horrible because she doesn't live with her mom and dad together, she said that step-parents should be illegal, and that she would be better off living with her (extreme difficult child, unemployed, uneducated, basically homeless, whoring, lost custody of her other child) mom.

Yeah. husband said that if he didn't fear so much for difficult child's safety with biomom, he'd have sent her up to NC for a couple of months a long time ago so difficult child could see just how good she has it. difficult child said that she'd rather be in foster care than be in our family. therapist told difficult child flat out what foster care is like and told her that she has NO idea how good she has it in our family.

difficult child is basically a petulant, entitled brat who refuses to take any responsibility whatsoever for her life and choices, preferring instead to blame everyone else around her, throw everyone under the bus, make false accusations, conflate the truth, and basically make life hell for everyone around her. Being at sister in law's has, in some ways, made it worse.

SO, plans are in motion to send difficult child to a TBS in Oregon. Barring any sudden, major change in difficult child, she will probably be leaving pretty soon. Because of her propensity to throw everyone under the bus and make things up, we are afraid to have her stay at sister in law's much longer - we don't want her to have an opportunity to ramp up her antics to get sent back home, which is a real possibility because she hates it there.

I hate that it's come to this, but we feel we have no other recourse. I'm just thankful that my inlaws have the means and willingness to foot the bill for the TBS, although I'm a little leery of what kind of strings may be attached, but it will be worth it to finally get difficult child the help she needs. in my opinion, she should have gone to this school years ago - they take girls as young as 10. But it was never my call. Oh well.

 

[Bunny]

I'm really glad to hear that the plans to send difficult child to the TBS have been put into motion. I can only hope that she takes the help that they offer to her and really use it. Do you think that she will blame you for "sending her away"? If she feels that it's your fault that her dad listened to what you wanted over what she wants (to live with him and bio mom together) she may not accept help at the school at all. I know nothing about these types of schools. What happens if she refuses to participate in her recovery?

 

[buddy]

So glad they are sending her. I hope she doesn't figure a way to get kicked out. They surely must know what to do about kids who dont want to be there.

Really relieved she wont be with you though!

 

[HaoZi]

I'm relieved your husband and his family is backing you up on this, and I hope it helps in the long run.

 

[greenrene]

Ok, here's what husband told me today after he and mother in law met with the therapist today.

difficult child is definitely going to TBS. There are a couple that we are deciding between. In the meantime, powers that be feel that difficult child being at sister in law's house is not a good situation, that the extreme structure and strictness is actually causing difficult child to act out MORE. I don't know, I haven't been privy to a lot of details, but whatever. mother in law doesn't have the energy to have difficult child stay with her (she's in her 60's, I totally get that). So difficult child is coming home for about a month while all the details of the TBS get nailed down - visiting, final decisions, financing, etc.

We figure that it will go ok with difficult child here for a month because she has been really wanting to come home, she knows I'm pregnant (and she LOVES LOVES LOVES babies), and that is probably just enough time for a honeymoon period before she goes to TBS. I'm not thrilled that she's coming home even for a little bit, but I will do my best to cope. Hell, I've lived through 13 years with her, I can make it a month, especially knowing that she's going to TBS.

I won't breathe easy until she is on the plane, though.

 

[Bunny]

Does she know that she's going to the TBS?

 

[greenrene]

Yes, she knows she's going to a TBS. She does NOT want to go to the one in Oregon, which incidentally is the one that sounds like the best fit for her. She won't have a cell phone, she won't have internet access, etc.

I'm hoping that her time at home will be spent kissing our butts in an effort to be good so she can stay. I also hope that husband doesn't cave.

 

[Bunny]

I hope so, too, for all of your sakes. When will she come home to your house?

 

[busywend]

Fingers crossed she goes into suck up mode and husband does NOT fall for it. I would have a video camera ready to go at all times....just in case.

 

[greenrene]

I'm not sure when she'll be coming back home. Probably within the next few days.

Working on getting on my super tough mommy-armor. At this point, knowing all the koi she's said about me, it's going to take every ounce of patience I can muster to even be in the same room with her. I plan to be aloof, unemotional, with a very finely tuned BS meter - any shenanigans and her little butt is going straight to her room. I'm not putting up with any **** from her at all.

One good thing that will come of it - I've been avoiding going in her room since she left, because it's a total mess from her last day here when she was throwing stuff everywhere in a rage. I know it needs cleaning up, but I just haven't been able to bring myself to go in there in my efforts to reclaim my peace. Now that she'll be here, SHE will be cleaning it up. Every little bit. Heh, heh, heh