update on difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by catwoman, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I've spoken with him a few times since we reconnected. Mostly he talks and I listen. Although our conversations have been general and pleasant, I can tell not much has changed. He did actually apologize to me for "everything he put me through." Whether or not he meant it, I don't know, but it's the first time he's acknowledged that he even did anything wrong. From what he's told me about his life at this point, I can tell he still has a huge problem with authority and thinks he's smarter than everyone else. He has been up front with me so far as letting me know he's still using. He also said he's been off all medications for quite a while and he knows it's causing him to struggle even more. I pretty much try to keep my side of the conversation very simple. No opinions or advice, just "I'm glad to hear from you, hope you're doing ok, how's work," etc.
    We talked about meeting somwhere in the future. He wants me to meet his girlfriend. I'm just glad to be hearing from him.
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    How strong you are to be able to keep your feelings inside! I know how hard that is.

    As long as you can accept him for what he is now and not what you think he should be, I would go see him.

    He is reaching out, meet him. Let him know how loved he is. Meet his girlfriend, that is something very normal a child would want to happen with his parents and someone he cared for.

    I know you want more for him, but show him now that you still care and have hope that he will stop using.

  3. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I know it's difficult to not give motherly advice, but sounds like you are doing the right thing....keep it up!!
  4. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    You set a great example. It's great that the lines of communication are open. I would take things slowly.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand! Where is he living? I am about to be up against all of that trying to find out where my son is living, etc. It must be hard. It is good that he is keepingin touch with you. Good for you. You must be doing something right!
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Remember Coookie, who described this part as "sitting on her lips"?

    That is a good mothering skill to have.

    Cherish your heart, catwoman. Your son is still using. I am glad you know where he is, so glad he is alright ~ but he kept himself away for a reason. I always like to think my son keeps himself away to protect us from...from the situation.

    (I don't like to acknowledge what has happened to my son, or to husband and myself and the rest of our family because we lost a child to drugs, either.)

    Because that is how I look at it.

    We lost a child to drugs.

    When we hear from our son, when we see him...that isn't really him.

    We will not see our son again unless ~ we may never see him, I suppose.

    Take this slow, catwoman. Your son is telling you he is not who you think he is.

    When they do that, we need to hear what they say beneath their words.

    I know this sounds so nasty. I don't mean it to.

    We are vulnerable to our children, though.

    And we need to have our eyes open going in.

    You know I wish you well, always.

    And know that I wish every good thing for your son, who sounds so much like my son, too.


  7. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    Thanks, everyone. I'm trying to take this very slowly.

    I have no illusions about my son. That went out the window when he tried to blind me. He is extremely smart and a master of manipulation. Honestly, I think he's happy to be hearing from me but if I stopped communication tomorrow I don't think he'd make the effort to find out why. I don't think he's stayed away from me to protect me from his behavior when he's using. He doesn't care enough about me to do that. I think that on some level his difficult child mind realizes he's done "stuff" to me, but he still sees everything in terms of how it affects him. When I mentioned his sister and the fact that she was recovering from cancer, he had forgotten she was even sick. I'm quite sure he still sees himself as the victim of everything that happened in our home. This is who he is. But all of you understand why I still love him with all my heart. I have to have some kind of relationship with him even if it's only a phone call every now and then.