Update on my son......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WhymeMom?, Apr 17, 2008.

  1. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thought I would tell you of my son's current status. We have not seen him since last May. We have communicated via emails--just a few. That ended last October when he went to jail for a preliminary hearing on a burglary charge. While there he was charged for another burglary. On the prior charge he had a deal for 4 years (actually two years to serve, time cuts in half for good behavior). We figured that was in jeopardy, but looks like it held. While he was in jail receiving "jail-house legal advice" he decided to drop his attorney (that we were paying for) and claim he received bad legal advice on prior crimes because he was up for the habitual offender label. That meant we were out of the loop in finding out about court dates or legal strategy, which was his choice and we thought that was fine, since we weren't eager to go on paying attorney fees for his continued crimes. Since we weren't privey to his situation I was just watching the offender database (and praying it didn't show up in the local paper) and finally got an email from his latest girlfriend that he had been transferred to "prison". Looked online and found that he received sentencing on both charges and will be eligible to get out in 2013. Now to many of you this seems like a long time, he will be 30 years old when he gets out, but to me this is a gift. He was up for the habitual offender sentencing which meant for his latest burglary he could have gone away for 30-life. The biggest problem I foresee is that I will not see him for the next five years. I just cannot bring myself to go visit the prison. I really don't want to know what it is like and can't imagine that I will change my mind. The other problem is that husband's parents are getting older and their health is declining. They don't know about son's jail time and if either of them die, difficult child's absence at a funeral will be noticed big time..... Don't really want to have to explain it and many in the family I think have guessed what is going on. Just didn't want to have to fill in the grandparents on what has been happening to the grandson that they knew. I just hope that son can take advantage of educational programs--he tried college when he was out the last time and blew off courses that he could have easily passed. Since he "stiffed" the government on his tuition it may not be offered to him in jail, but hope that is not the case.
    He has a son by latest girlfriend, but we have only seen pictures. Haven't gotten too involved since we are not sure where that is going......
    So when you are thinking about your kids going to prison, know that there are others just like your kids already there. He didn't learn from past stints in jail, but I still hope he will be more mature, less craving of alcohol, and better aware of where his life is going by the time he gets out. For five years I will have peace of mind that he hasn't killed anyone, fathered more children and had his name in the papers under the felony report. If you have any spare prayers please say one for him and his children.....
    Thanks for listening.......
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    It is not easy to love these kids of ours. Even if you know he is safe and not able to hurt himself or anyone else, it hurts to know that for some reason he just couldn't/wouldn't do what was necessary to live a "normal" life. As a mom I don't care if my children are validictorians or sports stars----I just want mine to have a normal life. Get a job, get married, go to work everyday---I just don't think difficult child can or will be able to do that. And it breaks my heart....
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I am sorry that he continues to make these choices. At least you have five years to not worry about any future robberies or children.

    Do you have any interest in being grandparents to this child of his? I don't know the situation, but I know that often a child needs support from more than just one person.


  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    WMM, I understand why you feel relief and can hear your resignation. I'm sorry and want to send you a big hug.

  5. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I am unsure of what to do in regard to his child. He has two other children from another woman, who finally moved on and married another man. This man adopted the two kids and that's all for the better of the children. I started a relationship with the granddaughter and the woman decided it wasn't going to work with difficult child while she was pregnant with grandson so I never even got to meet him. I haven't met the new girlfriend and grandson. She sent us an email in Jan. saying that she was friend of our son and had his baby. She wanted to let us know so if we wanted we could be a part of his life. Our son didn't want to tell us and he doesn't know that she contacted us. I'm not sure new girlfriend knows about old girlfriend, so really not sure how much to get involved in all this. She hasn't really asked for anything so we are taking it slow and haven't actually met. I think it would be tough to wait five years for someone you didn't really know all that well to begin with, knowing that when he gets out of jail he will be virtually unemployable because of his record. He probably won't be supporting a family. Just gets difficult when all our friends are showing pictures of grandkids and we just get to ooh and ahh and say nothing.......
  6. judi

    judi Active Member

    I so feel for you. We are not in contact in with our son either. However, we are fully in our grandson's life even though the girlfriend (grandson's mother) is now pregnant by another guy. Our grandson though is such a huge joy and so much a part of our lives. I feel that the risk we take in loving him is worth it.
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand and will keep you in my prayers if you will keep me in yours! I just dont understand why these children and young adults have to do these things!!!
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    As always, you and your son are in my prayers. I cannot imagine what this is doing to you.
  9. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Interestingly enough we are still getting collection notices for all the people he has "stiffed"........he hasn't lived with us for six years.......I just write on them "NOT at this address, RETURN to sender".........the next time we move I'm not sharing my address with him......
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew the right thing to say. Just know that you are loved here.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I wanted you to know that I find for myself, a tremendous amount of courage in your posts. When you get to the point that you are and read what you have written, it's more resigning than it is sad. I think so, because you found the positive parts in all of this and that's good.

    You know I too have thought about the peace in knowing where he was part. And I'm sure there are worse things that could happen to them. Matter of fact I know there are. Dude goes to court Thursday and I'm not going. I'm not going, I'm not paying any more money - I'm not standing there to support him, taking a day off and I know he's had the opportunity to make the money he needed for court - and blew it off. Foster mom called me today. So I know.

    I think there is some odd sadness in letting go - I just don't know what more as a parent we could do.

    Hugs hugs - (passes tissue, chocolate square, friendship blanket and just a moment of silence for your inner Mom)

  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Thanks all, you make the loss easier to bear......