Very, very serious and sensitive issue...friend needs advice/help for child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MidwestMom, Dec 29, 2011.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am going to change a ton of identifying information.

    There is somebody who adopted several children and most of them are doing really well, no problems at all. She and her husband are excellent parents, loving, firm but kind. They adopted a child I will call Adam (not his real name) when he was a year old. His birthmother had used drugs and was diagnosed with a serious mental disorder. He was always difficult and different and, as he was dragged from professional to professional, and given some stints in the hospital, nobody could really put a finger on the problem, but he got increasingly violent as he grew older. This, I know, is status quo. The next part isn't and Friend is wondering if it's finally time to admit that he can't live in her house anymore. There are both older and younger children of both genders there.

    Adam is between 9-11 and has admitted he is attracted to little girls...around three to four etc. The parents are terrified as he has told them this many times. There is no indication he has acted out, but there is no indication he hasn't either. He is currently in a hospital after destroying part of their house. He is due to be released soon. They have no idea what to do. I told them I would ask for opinions here because you guys are not emotionally involved in the situation. Right now, the kids all sleep with their doors locked and he has a room alone.

    He has had every diagnosis under the sun, been on a ton of medications, seen psychiatrists, therapists, social works and the police a lot too because of his escalating violence, his large size, and the fact t hat nobody can restrain him when he gets out of control. Would you let him come home to your family in this situation? Remember, as of yet, he was never CAUGHT touching anybody. He is getting the best of help, but he is getting worse.

  2. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I have never been in such a situation, but my first thought is: outside of the home placement. Something like a therapeutic boarding school. I don't know if it is an option, but that's what I would be looking for. One can't put a whole family in danger for one child. And since he admits to his urges, it would seem really cruel to "tempt" him everyday. He needs help and a family setting does not seem to be the best place for him to find help. Just too dangerous for the other siblings AND him.
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    gosh, so sorry for his family and for him. i think it is in HIS best interest (as well as the family's) to go to a placement due to protective issues. If something happens they will not have as many choices for therapeutic placement. Once a sexual assault is in his file there may not be as much flexibility. Sounds like he needs something like the PNP center but I am sure that is so far and expensive. I have thought of this myself for Q. There is maybe such facilities around closer though if you call them and ask if there are others who do similar assessments which include PET scans and neuropsychologist, psychiatric, medical, neurological etc. PNP Center

    Probably that is unrealistic but a therapeutic placement is not giving up....I know this for myself too. It is another way of parenting if we get to that point. Of course we try first all we can do to give the child a typical home but for this child, sounds like he is vulnerable to his own issues which could truly ruin his life. For his sake, my heart says he needs them to advocate for a really good placement for him. There is no way to know at his age/stage of development...since he has not acted out....if he knows what that even means. It could be just that he has urges and who else would he be able to experiment on? No matter what it really is, he could end up hurting someone so he deserves a chance (as do potential victims and those who dodge his aggressive outbursts) to be somewhere where they can really keep him safe from himself. When he is with them for visits etc. they will also have the energy and mental health to deal with him on a short term basis. So sad, he is just a little guy. A really broken and hurt little guy.

    I feel just terrible for your friends. They adopted him to give him a good life. But they can still feel like they are giving him his best chance and others may not be able to handle that. Maybe that is exactly why they are the ones who are his parents....because they can do this. They can be the ones to make the tough decisions out of love not crisis.

    Just MHO from this little bit of their life. Of course it is all up to them. Please tell them I think they are amazing for the life choices they have made.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I believe this problem has been faced by a few of our members. Although I can imagine how difficult it must be to consider eliminating him from the family unit...I just don't see that there is any choice. They have obviously explored all options and now, in my humble opinion, it is time to save the family. Sad. DDD
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This family has adopted several kids, none that were problems except for him.

    they would never just forget about him. They just may have to parent him from afar and it makes them feel guilty. They are under the impression that he would not do anything to his beloved younger siblings...but I know first hand (from the sexual predator who lived with us once...foster child) that he could or may have already.
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2011
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    in my humble opinion, he is asking for their help to NOT perform this awful act by telling them. in my humble opinion, they HAVE to do something to help him not become this type of abuser.

    Sounds like he knows it is only a matter of time that he will not be able to control himself. They had to report this fear and he needs to live in a treatment center. Sorry, I am sure that is not what they want to hear, but it is the only way to help him not become what he fears he will become.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I used to be friends with a person who went through something very similar. One of her sons who was in the middle of the pack of kids, ended up abusing at least one of the younger female siblings. It was very traumatic and it pretty much split up the family. I ended up taking care of the boy for awhile while they found him a placement in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so he wouldnt end up in juvy. He stayed in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for a year or two but the family broke up and the mom took her older kids and the husband took his girls who were the younger kids so that was that.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The boy NEEDS a placement away from younger children. He cannot be kept safe in a home. If he hasn't hurt someone, he knows he might and is begging for help. Keeping him at home puts everyone in danger. If it has happened, and they don't put him in a placement but it is learned of in a couple of years, they could lose ALL the kids because they "allowed" him to perp on the other children in the family after they had ample warning that he wanted to. I am NOT saying it is right, just that a young/overzealous/unrealistic social worker or DA could do that and it would damage ALL of their kids.

    Not all people can safely life n a family setting. it is what it is. It would be best to get intensive treatment in a setting where he couldn't access younger kids. Soon the hormones of puberty will take a LOT of things out of his hands and it could be a catastrophe for the entire family or even community if it got out. I have seen communities turn on a family with a sick child like this that they were doing EVERYTHING to help but it didn't stop the child - and the parents lost the kids, the home, the jobs, everything they every owned was GONE because the community turned on them. Warn your friends - it can happen in any community.

    NOT that they should stop loving him - he NEEDS them. Just that they need to be a family of different addresses to protect everyone. I am sure he wouldn't purposely want to hurt someoen lke that, but he needs intensive help so that he can learn to handle those impulses.

    I am so osrry they are facing this, and I hope they know how much he loves and trusts them to tell them about his attraction to little kids. in my opinion that makes him one heck of a special person, someone to support and help as intensively as possible. NOT soemone to throw away as deviant.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I would advocate for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement...

    but is that an option that is available to them? Can they afford it? Will their insurance cover it?

    And can they get a placement if he hasn't actually done anything yet?
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Is the boy adopted thru foster care? Even if not I wonder if they have a system like we do in MN with a post adoption state agency that provides emergency and long term services for adopted kids from international, private and state adoptions.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's Wisconsin and they adopted him from another state. He has already been in RTCs but only for very short periods of time. I think they would agree to put him in long term placement (I will discuss this with Friend as she is begging for advice), but since he hasn't abused anyone yet (that they know of), that's the question. And, no, they can not afford an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) without help. He is already in the juvie justice system for other things and maybe, even at his young age, this could help them? I don't know, do you?

    The boy does not act upset that he is attracted to little girls. He talks about it matter-of-factly and has told his psychiatrist who is alarmed but hasn't done much yet other than to change his medications (again). Since one of our adopted sons abused my younger two, and we didn't know about it, I am as concerned as she is because her youngest is almost like my own. And I know that abuse is not something kids will readily discuss or disclose, even to parents.