We are at a loss...

busywend

Well-Known Member
I 2nd Wynter! Huh?

Depression manifests itself much different in children and teens than it does in adults. No comparison, in my humble opinion.
 

dca

New Member
I do not know what to think anymore. It seems as if she is just really confused about what she wants for herself. I believe that she is too smart for her own good and is just trying to be in control and do as little as possible.

Our 14 yo daughter is going to stay at her grandparents tonight because she is sick of the rollercoaster. Even though it is at my in-laws, I wish I could go too!

I'm also wondering what effect hormones could be having in all of this. She is a late bloomer and maybe that is a contributing factor. We are going to have to get a physical for school, so we will try to bring that up with the MD (a female, so she may able to help with that issue) and maybe we can get a referral to a psychiatrist.
 

smallworld

Moderator
Actually, she may feel inadequate because she's smart and can't figure it all out and really out of control so she's completely shut down. Hormones can definitely play a role in how mixed-up she's feeling, but you need to seek treatment when the situation becomes extreme, as it has in your case. I think it's a great idea to ask the doctor for a referral to a child/adolescent psychiatrist.

When you get a chance, would you please create a profile similar to mine below. Here's a link to information explaining how to do it:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8399

It will help us remember your family when we're responding to your posts. Thanks.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Being smart is no insulation against depression. If anything, it can aggravate it. World poverty, global warming, social injustice, war, famine - all of these impinge more on your consciousness when you are smart enough to read the signs, hear the news and understand the logic.

I grew up in the Cold War era. "On the Beach" was made in Melbourne. The "duck and cover" campaign only made it to Australia as an example of extreme futility. I think our entire generation were depressed - and angry.

I did suggest backing off on the punishment side, but don't become a doormat, and don't appease her. You could be making more trouble for yourself. Just try to listen. Don't get too heavy, but don't let it pass either. Remember to let natural consequences do your work for you. If she dumps food on the floor for the dog and she steps on it later, she will hurt her foot. If the dog makes a mess on the floor, that is the natural consequence.
With hindsight - unless she's staying in bed until midday, I wouldn't nag about the dog. Let the dog do the nagging for you.

Teen hormones could well be contributing here. Also note - teenagers suddenly discover SLEEP and the joys of sleeping in. If she HAS to get up there are ways to handle it with more humour, or to get her to handle it herself. If she asks you to make sure she is up by a certain time, then do it (I used a water spray bottle, set on jet, sprayed up the inside of the pyjama leg. But to be fair, I DID give warnings). But if she's a pain about it, warn her that you're only doing as she asked and if she's going to give you a hard time, you won't do it in future. From then on, she will have to make sure she gets herself up. Setting her alarm clock on the other side of the room can be effective.

It really sounds to me like she's given up trying to care. And that is consistent with depression.

Occupational Therapist (OT) the puppy incident could just have been a typical teen being grumpy on waking.

The broken phone - if SHE broke it in a tantrum, then I would be wary of letting her have another phone unless it's an old one that's been lying around. If YOU broke it - then yes, you should replace it. Otherwise - she has to accept natural consequences. Commonsense also has to prevail, though - if safety requires she be able to make contact, then there are other options. A Tic Talk, for example (or similar).

Are you able to talk to her at all about what she wants in life? Her ambitions? Her lack of ambitions? Can you reassure her that her generation has choice? This was a major concern for easy child 2/difficult child 2, she was upset at being asked to choose school subjects which would lock her into this or that career path, when she said she just didn't know which way to go. It caused a great deal of anxiety for her and we had to repeat many times - people can have (and often do have) several careers, one after another. This generation looks set to have access to even more.

husband had a classmate who studied medicine and became a doctor. Almost immediately, he went back to uni and studied law. When we met him he was working in medical insurance and had been enjoying it for a number of years, but was considering changing to a career in computer modelling.

easy child 2/difficult child 2, despite being extremely bright, was increasingly a behaviour problem. Her intelligence was in some ways a handicap because she couldn't choose her best subject. She was too capable at everything, to be able to say, "I will make this my career." She was already working as an actress and circus performer (paid work, from the age of 11) but in the last year or so, has totally abandoned this. Despite an IQ that should see her studying medicine, she left school with no job prospects and marks too low to get into uni at all, let alone into medicine. Then she got a job as a checkout chick.
Finally, at the age of 20, she tentatively settled on teaching as a direction.

What we did with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - we told her it's OK to take time. She doesn't have to choose her life path immediately. Working behind a checkout bought her time to think, time to understand herself a bit better.

What are the educational options for your daughter, from here? Should she stay at school? Or could she finish her schooling later, or through a different route? In Australia we have TAFE, colleges of Technical And Further Education. They were originally training colleges for people wanting to do a trade, but have expanded to also provide school graduation for adults going back to school. They also offer bridging courses and other courses which now dovetail into a university course. BF1 studied computers at TAFE and was able to use his TAFE qualifications to jump straight into the 2nd year of a uni IT course, bypassing 1st year entirely.
Our TAFEs can also be a place where a school student can go, to finish schooling faster but independently of the school system. Our high school graduation happens at the end of Year 12, with the HSC or Higher School Certificate. But a student can leave high school at the end of Year 10 and study at TAFE to get the HSC in one year, instead of 2. Or the student can also choose (within the school system or without) to get the HSC over up to 6 years.

It may be that she is afraid of having to make choices at a time in her life when she is just too uncertain. Or there could be other aspects to school which are upsetting her. When you have year after year of high expectations heaped on you, it can get to a point where you just want it to stop.

What would she say to dropping school and getting a job? Or would this be too horrifying?

Maybe she just needs to know that whatever is bothering her, there are many more choices available and she doesn't have to be locked into anything if she's not ready.

I'm taking a wild guess with that one. If it is at all part of the problem, it will only be part. But sometimes working on a fraction of the problem can still ease the pressure.

Marg
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Dca, I hope you can get her to see the psychiatric again, even though the opinion wasn't all that helpful. Maybe she will open up if a skilled person asks her open-ended questions, and you (her parents) are out of the room. In the meantime, I really like the idea of the coach reaching out to her. I've got my fingers crossed for you all.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
Could something have happened to her that is causing these symptoms?

I hate to say this, but could she have been sexually assaulted and perhaps feel too ashamed or afraid (which could evolve into anger) to talk about it?

Or if there is a boy somewhere in the picture, could she have had a pregnancy that was terminated and she's internalizing her feelings about that?

I could be way off base, but I had to say it.
 
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