Weird and Sad Letter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by pasajes4, Oct 26, 2013.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I was married to difficult child's father for many years before difficult child was born. He walked out when I found out I was pregnant. We have not seen or heard from him since then.

    He was a serious alcoholic 18 years ago and I have no reason to believe that he changed.

    I got a letter in the mail from a medical facility requesting information about difficult child's bio dad. I called the number and it was to a geriatric long term
    nursing facility. I had called to let then know that I did not have any information to give them. I no sooner said who I was and what I was calling about and the woman was asking when I was planning on visiting. It seems that he is in the final stages of liver disease.

    I can't say that I was surprised. I just don't know what to say to my son. I am not even sure if I should say anything. Things are going down hill fast with kiddo since he got out of detention ( whole other post).
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If his father hasn't been in his life, I wouldn't tell him right now. JMO
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hugs...I am so sorry things are not going well with your son since he got out of detention.

    Your post spoke to me as I too was "abandoned" by an alcoholic dad when I was 2 yrs old. So I never knew him, I wasn't raised by him. I did finally meet him at age 17. It did not go well as he wanted to "forget the past" and I told him I LIVED THE PAST YOU WANT TO FORGET. That was ME.

    Well...time passed and I did not see him again until a month before his death a few yrs ago.
    All I asked for when I went to the hospital to see him that month before his death, was a letter, a note...something in writing from him as I had never even gotten a birthday card from bio dad my whole life.
    It was ALL I asked for...but nothing. Not a single written word from him my whole life.
    It would have meant the world to have some closure ya know.

    Sooo, in thinking about this...I would ask bio dad if he would send a loving letter of closure to your son. I think it would mean so very much to your son and to heal that sense of loss some.

    What a delicate situation.
    Thinking of you and difficult child,
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gosh, I don't know. What if next year difficult child decides he wants to look for his father and finds out he has died. Would you be able to live with yourself knowing you didn't give him the chance to make his own decision about seeing him at the end? What if he finds out that you knew? Even though the information came without intent and out of the blue, I just don't know how I feel about it.

    *The other issue is difficult child's stability. If you feel this will negatively impact his life right now, then perhaps it's best not to let him know. Since it's sounds like he's not doing well, what do you think the information will mean to him?

    Can you tell I'm not sure how I feel about it?

    I guess the bottom line here is this --- you know your son better than anyone else on this planet. You know if this will be information he would want to know and how the information would impact him emotionally and behaviorally. Since you have raised your boy, you also know if he has expressed any interest, in his "adult" years, of meeting or finding his sperm donor.

    You will make the right decision about this.

  5. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I cannot answer this as if I were you. I am not you. But if it had happened to me, I would tell my son and I would allow him to meet his dying father. Painful goodbyes are somehow easier in the long-run than question-filled silences.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    A delicate situation for sure. Sending warm wishes for the appropriate solution to reveal itself to you.........(((HUGS))))
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, that is a sad phonecall. But as you said, not surprising. I assume you said that you were estranged and would not be visiting.
    (Amazing they even found you.)
    You will have to tell difficult child at some point. I would just wait until the time is right. You don't want him storming in and upsetting the man, nor do you want his dad to say something nasty on his deathbed, either. Although he's probably on morphine, which should make him a bit more mellow. It's a tough call.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Things are so dicey with difficult child right now. He is not dealing with his probation. He is being hateful and ugly to me. As soon as probation showed up, he left the house and has not been home in 2 days. He is now running the streets un-medicated and doing who knows what. I called the police and they said if they find him, they will detain him. He is supposed to report to probation tomorrow. I'm not chasing him down.

    The facility that his bio is in is in another county. My son can't leave the county. This is all to much for me right now.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, life has played your hand for you. Nothing you can do.
    I'm sending hugs. Many soft hugs.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I think the idea of asking if he is able to write your son a letter, to be given to him in the future might be the best idea. Or maybe a telephone call... IF you know what he will say. Is he even capable of writing a letter to his son at this point? Are there family members you could talk to - to decide if seeing him is a possibility? Good luck. So hard to know what to do. I expect that in the future I will have to make a similar decision about our DGD's we adopted and their biomom. I am sure she will not live a long life... All the drugs/alcohol/and poor choices have left their mark... KSM
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry pasajes. Take care of YOU now. Sending hugs...........
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies. The woman I spoke to at the facility indicated that he was incoherent most of the time and did not have many lucid moments. I do not have contact with his family members. His father passed several years ago and his siblings left Texas many years ago.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are facing this additional stressor when your difficult child is on such a precarious road. My tendency would be to analyze what, if any, benefit would come from sharing this info. Your difficult child is not functioning well. I don't see how the trauma of meeting his dying Dad would help him. In fact I imagine it would more than likely just provide him with one more reason to embrace substances. Like everyone else, sadly, I think it has to be your call alone.

    I wonder if one of his caretakers would volunteer to ask him when he is lucid IF he would like to dictate a note to his son. If so the note could come to you and you would be able to decide when and if you felt it worthwhile to share.
    Sending supportive hugs, thoughts and prayers your way. DDD
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for taking time to respond. The woman who gave me the information really should not have even given me that much information. I did ask that they contact me when he passes. I do not know if they will. I am not going to share any of this information with difficult child at this time. You are so right DDD. It would only give him more ammo in his pity me fueled behavior.