What can we do about a 19 year old we want out?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Smiley, Oct 13, 2009.

  1. Smiley

    Smiley New Member

    Hi, I am not a parent but I desperately need help with my living situation. I am a 26 year old female who lives in a house with 6 other family members. They are my mom, grandmother, 2 older cousins, 1 teen brother, and a 19 year old male who has made this house a living hell for the last 12 years.

    My grandmother is the owner of our home and guardian to the 19 year old boy that lives in our home. My grandmother is his mother's aunt (if that makes any sense). He came to live with us around the age of 6 or 7 because his mom went to jail and my grandmother did want him to go into foster care. Shortly after, his mother was deported back to our family's home country. As for his father, only God knows where he is.

    Instead of being grateful that he has a roof over his head, food to eat, and not living in the drug infested situation he was as a child with his mother.....this boy steals, lies constantly, and does absolutely nothing. He lies so much that if he said the sky was blue we wouldn't believe him. He has no job, his hygiene is disgusting, he recently graduated from high school but is not enrolled in college. I hate the fact that I have to lock my room door ANY TIME I STEP OUTSIDE MY ROOM. It doesn't matter if I'm gone for a second, I must lock my door at all times. We all have to do this. My grandmother locks her room door whenever she leaves the house. She has to carry her purse with her AT ALL TIMES EVEN WHEN SHES IN THE HOUSE AND HE STILL MANAGES TO STEAL HER MONEY! It's gotten to the point where we are going to purchase a lock box in order to keep her money safe. These are things that you shouldn't have to be doing in your own home.

    My family is fed up with him and my grandmother constantly yells at him and tells him to get a job or go to college but nothing ever happens. I know she doesn't want to deal with him anymore but she also does not want to kick him out on the street because he will have no where to go. I'm getting so sick of him disrespecting her and everyone else in the house and I feel like he is bringing her closer to her grave. I'm tired of working my *** off just to help pay the bills of the house and basically support him too. No one is doing a **** thing to stop this boy from thinking that he can do whatever he wants.

    Can he be legally evicted from the house according to NY state law? Is there a shelter or live in program for evicted teen adults?? I would love to move out of this house myself but I could never leave my grandmother with him.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 13, 2009
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    What a trying situation for sure.
    The thing is, if this is your grandmothers house, it would take your grandmothers deciding to have this man move out. Of course she can have him removed through the court ( if he won't go just by her asking him to). There is nothing I can imagine that you can all legally do if your grandmother isn't ready to realize it is time for this man to stand on his own two feet.
    I'm sorry that you all are living this way. Its a sad situation for all of you from the sounds of it. I think it would be good for your entire family (living there and not living there) to maybe quietly sit down and express openly to your grandmother how you all feel about this situation, your real concerns for her, etc. Perhaps present her with the options (knowledge) of how to legally have him go. Help her understand sometimes tough love is the best and most needed type?
    Best of luck. My heart goes out to you all, especially your grandmother.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I feel for you. However, in ANY state, if your grandmother owns the house, she is the only one who can evict anybody. It's really up to her.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This truly is up to your grandmother. If she feels unsafe enough to carry her purse with her all the time then you need to be open with her and tell her it is not safe to have him live at the house.

    I would first call the county courthouse and ask if it is legal for a guardian to kick a 19yo out of the home and what is the process for it.

    Then talk with your grandma. Tell her you are worried about her safety and your own - you will never knaw what he might be capable of doing to you or her.

    Ask her is you can help her through the process. See if a formal eviction is needed, or if gma just needs to pack his bags (of HIS stuff, NOT anyone else's) or have you pack them and then tell him to leave.

    This is always hard. many hugs.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree it is up to Gma to do the evicting. However, many of the things you mentioned are signs of mental illness and given his mother could not live a law-abiding, drug-free life sounds like he did not fall far from the tree.

    Has he ever been seen for mental illness? There could be a myriad of things going on that cause him to do these things. Self medicating with drugs is common in the mental health world.

    Could be bipolar, depression, anxiety, etc. Perhaps Gma can make it a requirement to seek treatment if he wants to continue living there.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    It does sound like you're all in a very tough situation. I agree with the others that your Gma is the only one who can evict this young man.

    I think I recall from the discussion about another poster's situation, that in NY state you cannot kick someone out until they're 21 years old. However, once they turn 18, they are legally free to leave. Once they have left home, you're under no obligation to let them return. Now I'm not from NY, or even from the USA, so please do verify this information as I might not have my facts straight.

  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think NY is one of those weird states where it is 21 but it may be different if it is just a guardian and not a parent? Would have to check into it. Sometimes wording does make a difference, especially since he has graduated HS and is not attending college. One place I do know of that he could go is a place called Under 21 in NYC. I believe it is still in business. It is a homeless shelter for kids 21 and under. There is also Covenant House. Those are just two of the places I know of in NYC because I saw them when I ran away to NYC when I was in my late teens.
  8. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I do live in NY State and we checked with a lawyer about our rights and responsibilities with difficult child 1. If you do kick out a kid between age 18-21 and they go to apply for social services you will be taken to court for child support (in our case it would have been worth it!) So, you can't legally kick them out. They can leave on their own though. Also, there is no such thing as emancipation in our state--at least not permanent emancipation. I don't know how this all would work in this situation, with the grandmother being the legal guardian.

  9. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    While you are an adult at age 18 in NY your parents are required to provide support through age 21. Between the ages of 16 and 21 you may be considered emancipated if you meet a number of criteria. See the link below for more details. Basically, it looks like she would normally be required to provide support through age 21.


    This is information about evicting someone who shares your home. If the situation fit she would have to go to court which I doubt she would do.


    I can think of at least four ways to approach this problem given the legal requirement that she provide support through age 21.

    1.Report his actions to Adult Protective Services as elder abuse. It may not get you what you want but it may be enough to get your Gma out of being required to provide him with a home at which point an eviction process can be started. I agree that it would be best to clarify whether he might be mentally ill. Given his family hx this is a possibility. So when you report the abuse you could tell them that you suspect that he is mentally ill. Since he's an adult no one can make him get assessed or treated but you can certainly tell APS that you're concerned for your gma's health, safety and financial well-being as long as he's in the house.

    2. You contact a Domestic Violence program and seek help from them as a victim of domestic violence.

    3. File police reports every time he steals or threatens you. Call the police when he steals from your grandmother - they are mandated reporters and if they are called often enough or they clearly see there's a problem they will report it as elder abuse. Get all the adults in the house to file police reports. He may get out just from the annoyance of the police reports. Plus he might actually get charged with something and end up in jail or it will provide ammunition for elder abuse charges.

    4. Get all the family members to sit down with grandma and discuss how to approach the problem. One option would be to change all the locks and not give him a key. He could only come and go when someone is home to let him in. Only buy food that he hates to keep in the house. Don't do anything for him. Do whatever you can think of to make it unpleasant or hard for him to live there. Offer him money if he moves out. The hard part is that he can always come back until he turns 21.

    5. Get together with other family members and do your best to come up with a way for you to all move out into other living arrangements. If gma won't call the police, report him for abuse or other reasonable measures then you need to find a way to move on.
  10. Smiley

    Smiley New Member

    Thank you all for your concern and support. I greatly appreciate it. I will definitely look into some of things that were suggested. It really bothers me that we would have to wait until he turns 21 in order to evict him legally.

    Some of you mentioned that he might have a mental illness. I completely agree with that. I truly believe that there is something not right in his brain especially since he has no concept of remorse or emapthy. However, he did see 2 different psychologists throughout the years but neither one diagnosed him with anything because he has the ability to make outsiders believe that he is the victim.

    I will definitely sit down with other family members and talk to them about confronting Gma about getting him out of the house for good. Thank you all again for your support.