Who says words don't hurt.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by CrazyinVA, May 2, 2008.

  1. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My Youngest difficult child has a temper. I worry about some of the things she says in front of her son (almost 14 months old). I bend over backwards to help her, as I've posted here before, while doing my best not to "enable." I bite my tongue as much as I can. She is so ungrateful. Sometimes it's just too much, though.

    This morning, we got up early because Aidan (grandson) was getting tubes in his ears and had to be at the hospital at 6:30 am. I had agreed to be there with her so she wouldn't have to wait alone. In typical difficult child fashion, she gets up late and rushes around, snapping at me about this and that. When she asks me to hold Aidan so she can find her keys, and I hesitate (wondering why she can't do both at the same time .. I'm trying HARD to prepare her for living alone without mom there to help with every little tiny thing), she says, "Aidan, your grandma is a B***H." She repeats it, twice, for good measure.

    Nice thing to say to a 14 month old. It's bad enough she does it to me sometimes, but now he gets to soak in all those outbursts and direspectful attitude.

    I feel like he's doomed to GFGdom himself at this rate. It just breaks my heart. And yes, the words stung, even though I've heard them before .. usually it rolls off my back, to she didn't call me one to myself, she called me one to my grandson. Lovely.

    Anyway. Just wanted to vent where people might "get it."
     
  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Sorry for being blunt, my reply would be...here's the door. Don't let it slap you in the arse when you leave and care for your baby on your own.

    I don't like being talked to disrespectably. I guess I'm old-school.

    Abbey
     
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Easy to say, hard to do. I can't bring myself to throw my grandson out the door. They'd have nowhere to go but a shelter. If it were just her, it'd be different. She'll be out as soon as her name comes on the Section 8 list, hopefully in the next couple months.
     
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I'm sure it is VERY hard to do when there is an innocent, lovely baby involved. Wouldn't want to face that.

    Abbey
     
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well you wont get an apology from your daughter - because apparently she feels it's okay to call her Mom that -

    ONE time in my life - I was around 15 and I was angry about something and took it out on my Mom. I was ugly to her, and shoving things, and slamming things and in the midst of it she came in to see if she could help and I called her a b*#(%

    The next thing I remember was waking up on the other side of the room, on the floor, against the wall with my Father standing there over me who had NEVER EVER laid a hand on me in my life - and he said "I'll tolerate a lot of things out of your girls, but I will NOT tolerate THAT level of disrespect in MY home towards YOUR Mother, my wife." and he meant it. It took only ONE time for me to get that despite ANYTHING else I did - THAT was not going to happen again.

    My son in true difficult child fashion tried the same thing - and my DF who also had never laid a hand on difficult child put him up against a wall and said the very same thing without ever knowing my Father had done it to me. difficult child to this day - has NEVER called me that in my own home.

    I'm sorry for Aidan - My x used to do and say any and everything to me in front of my son and I feared he would turn out like his father. The first year or two we were away from him and not using language and violence to solve problems were the worst I think i ever survived. It took about 2 years of not hearing that language in his home to get him to stop. And now today - when he's very angry - it's hard to convince him there are better words to use to express anger - but I can tell you what the B word isn't one of 'em.

    And I'm not a HUGE language issue person either - just have more respect for yourself and my ears. Know what I mean??

    Hugs
    Star
     
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wouldn't have dared call my mom anything, either, my dad would have hit the roof as well. In fact, once when the difficult children were small, and backtalked me in front of my dad, he said, "that is your MOTHER you're talking to. You stop that RIGHT NOW." Scared the heck out of em. Unfortuntaely, my parents lived 500 miles away, and there was no male in my house from their ages of 7 and 3 on. It was just me to stand up for myself, and apparently I am not frightening enough. Any corporal punishment with them threw them into rages ... ahh don't get me started on those days.

    Youngest knows I won't throw her on the street with her son. I lost a lot of leverage when he was born. I had no trouble throwing Oldest out, at least, not from a "guilt" standpoint. As I said in a post a few days ago, I'm in a awful situation right now.. just biding my time until her Section 8 comes through. Thankfully as of about a month ago (I think it was a month), she was #3 on the list... so it could be any day. Not soon enough.
     
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    My daughter called me that ONCE. I thanked her and totally agreed that I was in fact a

    Beautiful
    Intelligent
    Thoughtful
    Caring
    Human

    Took the wind right out of sails. For some strange reason, she's never called me that again.

    Is there any chance she would leave your grandson with you until she gets the Section 8 housing and you make her leave? Maybe she is to be treated as a tenant in your home. That means you do nothing for her or Aiden unless you want to. She gets her own rides to wherever she needs to go, a babysitter, etc. You play grandma when YOU want to and no other time. If she's going to call you a female dog, maybe it is time to show her exactly how much of one you can be.
     
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    MB---I so agree. There is no reason the mother of a child should be using that kind of language to her own mother---especially in front of a child. It's time to play landlord. It will be rough---but no rougher than it will be if she is allowed to disrespect you. I know you don't want to put her out. If she has nowhere to go with the baby, I'm sure DSS would be glad to step in until she can get on her feet. I'll tolerate a lot from my difficult child---but he will not disrespect me in my home.
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm sorry, but if Nichole dared say that she'd be out so fast her head would spin.

    Oh, I might not toss her on the street. But I'd be actively finding her low income housing and have her in asap.

    Here all you have to do for the section 8 housing is to fill out the forms at the apartments you're hoping to rent. (they are already HUD qualified) Then you're in.

    Much to stepgfg's dismay, she found out that once I'd made up my mind she'd overstayed her welcome I'd had her an apartment in less than 2 months. I hauled her fanny to the apartments, stood over her while she filled out the forms, spoke to the managers myself, and started packing the moment she found out she'd been accepted.

    Which is probably why Nichole hasn't crossed that line, come to think about it.

    When there are innocent babies involved it makes it so much more complicated. Because we love and care about them too and don't want to see them suffer for the actions of their parents.

    ((((((hugs))))))
     
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. It can really hurt to be called names. I think it is time to play landlord the way meowbunny described. I would be actively showing my child what a B I can be! (As they say, B all you can B!!)

    I think Lisa had a wonderful idea in dragging her to fill out the apartment forms. I would also be calling whoever is in charge of this program.

    Sending big hugs (a secret basket only moms of disrespectful difficult child's can see - with hugs attached to your favorite flowers and bon bon's and all your fave treats in the basket!)

    Susie
     
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks, all.

    She's been on the Section 8 list well over a year, so being #3 now is a good thing. A year is actually GOOD compared to other counties around here, some are 2-3 years. The forms are filled out at social services, you wait for a voucher to become available (i.e, someone else has to move out and off of the list), and then you have 60 days to find an apartment/house with an eligible landlord. If she moves out of this county, she loses her eligibility and starts all over wherever she lives. To get into a homeless shelther, she has to go to a central "intake" place and be placed wherever there is an opening, which is NOT likely to be in this county. I've looked into all of it. So, I am, as they say, between a rock and a hard place. Again, if it were just her? I'd say tough luck and let the chips fall as they may, even if she lost her place on the list. But with Aidan involved? I just can't throw him to the wolves. As much as I love him? The thought of raising another child makes me want to jump out a window. I can't do it again, I'm done. Raising two difficult children by myself did me in. It's MY turn at life now.

    I like the landlord/tenant idea. I need to think on some specifics of how it would work here. My biggest leverage is the car she drives (which belongs to me), and babysitting.
     
  12. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Here's how I did it. Paying rent was not an issue -- she did give me a minimal amount and was good about doing that. She became a tenant because of other stuff -- the messes she wouldn't clean up, the refusal to her share of chores, the constant attitude.

    I didn't cook for her. I didn't go out and play with her (no shopping, walking around the squares, just goofing off together). I would be polite, much like I would be to an acquaintance but not a good friend. As a tenant, she was expected to clean up her own messes. She did not have any chores. If she didn't, the computer and television in her room were disconnected until the mess was cleaned up. She was basically forced to live in her room -- that's what she paid for. The rest of the house was mine. She had kitchen and laundry privileges but she had to buy her own food and detergent.

    It wasn't a lot of fun. I missed talking to my child, hearing how her day had gone, doing things with her. However, it stopped the drama in the house and my feelings of resentment towards the messes she expected me to clean up.
     
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    You know, back in my difficult child days, when I gave my mom about all the lip she was going to take, she did throw me out with my kid. I did end up at the homeless shelter with her. It was not the worst thing in the world, and it really humbled me.

    I'm not trying to convince you, I'm just telling you it is an option. And difficult child may come out of there a better person than she was when she walked in.

    I AM very sorry for your hurting heart. Words sting.
     
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Please inform your difficult child that she BETTER not get angry when her son calls her the same word sometime in the future. It WILL happen. She is teaching him how to treat his mom.
     
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The karma from you guys must have reached out to Virginia. Youngest got the call this morning that she is finally at the top of the voucher list. She is waiting on a call back for an appointment with social services, and has already called the apartment complex and found they have plenty of 2 bedrooms available.

    She should be in her own place within 60 days or less.

    WOWZA.
     
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    If I had one of those things that make noise and the paper rolls out that you use at a birthday party, I would blow it right now.

    Yippee!
     
  17. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    A Squeaker. Yes, a squeaker. I would blow one as well if I had one.
    Crossing fingers and rattling beads that your difficult child gets her own place on schedule, so that you can have that well deserved peace.

    Trinity
     
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