Why does Dad allow son’s abuse?

[Lansdowne]

I am new to this forum ( 1st post) and am grateful to have found it. I have a 26 y/o stepson diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder. He has been troubled his entire life. He spent his teen years in various ranches for troubled kids. He now runs a contractor business like his own personal criminal enterprise and is facing charges for stealing from customers, taking deposits without doing the work and insurance fraud. Past misdemeanors/ felonies for multiple domestic violence charges, assault with a stolen gun, multiple theft charges etc. Girlfriend had to get a PPO. His child was removed by CPS. He squanders money, lies , cheats, steals and is verbally and physically abusive and the only remorse he has ever shown is when he gets caught. Stepson has driven his mother to attempt suicide twice, his father to alcoholism and given me chronic anxiety, a phobia and a stomach ulcer. My husband is passive with his son, there are no healthy boundaries, he runs to do his son’s bidding bending over backwards. My husband wont go to counseling anymore or read any of the self help books that I’ve bought. We will soon be entering our retirement years and I am sick with the thought that this situation will continue until the day we die. I despair that my husband will never stand up to his son and that I will have to get a personal protection order eventually. Incredibly my husband thinks the solution is to have his son around more, but the longer he is around the worse his behavior becomes.
Can anyone offer me any insight into why a parent would allow such behavior and what is the poor step parent supposed to do?

 

[Deni D]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My guess is your husband is dealing with a combination of a couple of things. Misplaced guilt thinking he could/should have done something to prevent his son from being as he is. And denial, telling himself his son's behavior is really not all that bad.

Even though your husband won't go to counseling it probably would be a good idea for you to go, for yourself, not to get him to deal with the situation any differently. Also if your stepson is taking financial advantage of you and your husband or if you feel physically threatened by him it might be a good idea to figure out and set boundaries for your safety.

At 26 a lot of us can tell you even though it seems like someone should be fully an adult it's often not the case. Does he show any signs of having a conscience? Even if he doesn't it seems with all he's done that he's going to get an incarceration lesson very soon. I don't know how he could not.

Hang in there.

 

[KTMom91]

I debated on whether to weigh in on this one. Although I wasn't the parent of someone who behaved in a similar fashion, I was married to him. Miss KT's father was able to present himself as a functioning adult, and managed to conceal his lies and strange behaviors for years. K didn't work regularly/consistently, and between his version of reality and his mother's alternating version, I never knew what the truth was.

As to why your husband is allowing his son's behaviors to continue - I'm going to guess that most of it is driven by guilt. Based on K's mother's willingness to support him fully, letting him and his very strange girlfriend live rent free in a house she owned, for at least 15 years after I divorced him, she wanted to make everything all better for her little boy, even destroying the good relationship she and I had maintained so Miss KT would be able to see her grandparents.

K's mother enabled him literally until the day he died, in December 2020. She said he had colon cancer. We really don't know. K's mother was the reporting party for the death certificate, and there was no autopsy, so ... My daughter heard from her father on her birthday in August, and after that he refused her calls, ignored her messages, and basically ghosted her.

Now...you're the stepmother. There's not a damn thing you can do about the situation except to PROTECT YOURSELF as best you can. Start putting money in a separate account that your husband can't access. If you are concerned for your personal safety, call 911. Put important papers, blank checks, credit cards, jewelry, any medication that can be stolen/resold on the street, and anything else you don't want stolen, given away, or sold in a small safe or safety deposit box. Identity theft is a very real possibility. Pull your credit report. Lock your Social Security number down so new accounts can't be opened in your name. Check the beneficiaries on your life insurance and retirement accounts, and change them if necessary. If Stepson becomes desperate, you might be in physical danger.

I'm really, really sorry you're going through all of this. I know how helpless I felt when K's behaviors escalated. Please stay safe. And keep posting. Many hugs.

 

[dandelion]

Hi Lansdowne. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I am the bio parent in my situation with a 22 yo son unofficially diagnosed by a family therapist with Antisocial PD.

I agree with KTMom and Deni above, that guilt could be driving your husband's choice to allow your stepson to treat him badly, and turn away from the self help books and offers for counseling you've asked him to consider. There may be things your husband isn't ready to face, not at all that this situation is his fault, but the fact that it may never improve. Once a parent faces this heartbreaking truth, there is tremendous grief. Some people are more comfortable in the hell they know, than stepping into one they don't.

I hope you are able to care for yourself. You mentioned a phobia that you have developed, I wonder if you have considered talking to a therapist that specializes in PTSD? This has been tremendously helpful for me (working with a therapist that didn't have knowledge of trauma or personality disorders was not helpful).

Wishing you all the best, glad you found this forum.

 

[Tiredof33]

My stepfather was the enabler to the step grandson. Step grandfather can not see what is so obvious to everyone else. Kicked out of high school, kicked out of alternative school (which is extremely hard to do in our state). Bad teachers of course, lol!

After the step grandson's mother (my sister) died at 48 from cancer he's angry and much worse.

The step grandfather has made his will out for everything to go to this step GS, he has even decided against having needed surgeries so he can leave more money for the step GS.

It's hitting the fan so to speak. The step GS was just arrested for trying to steal a gun. Why, no one is sure. Meth and alcohol are involved. Of course, step grandfather makes all kind of excuses for him. The step GS was forced to do it!!

I stay away from them. Protect your self.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Lansdowne,
So sorry for your troubles. What a nightmare. We can’t control behaviors of others. Bottom line. You are in a precarious position as you are aware of your stepsons manipulation and criminal activity. As your hubs seems to have thrown in the towel and placates his son, you may become the target for triangulation. That means stepson will work on dad to isolate you as the “bad guy.” It happened to me with my meth addicted bio daughter. She became menacing to me when hubs was alive. I was a threat to her because I wanted hubs to stop enabling her.
This………

PROTECT YOURSELF as best you can. Start putting money in a separate account that your husband can't access. If you are concerned for your personal safety, call 911. Put important papers, blank checks, credit cards, jewelry, any medication that can be stolen/resold on the street, and anything else you don't want stolen, given away, or sold in a small safe or safety deposit box.

Take steps to be able to leave if necessary. Your concerns are valid, and you need to be ready in case things get worse.
Take care of yourself!
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

He now runs a contractor business like his own personal criminal enterprise and is facing charges

I am so sorry that you are suffering.

There are people who are sociopaths. There has always been and there always will be. It figures that they have parents, and if those parents are normal, they will suffer as long as they keep connected to the drama. Except his parents do not seem to be without problems and issues of their own.

Stepson has driven his mother to attempt suicide twice, his father to alcoholism and given me chronic anxiety, a phobia and a stomach ulcer.

I suspect both parents had pre-existing problems. Suicide and alcoholism are not responsible or proactive responses.. It is not the son's fault nor is it his responsibility that his parents respond maladaptively.

I hope you don't experience my words to be harsh. I believe your issue is primarily in yourself and your marriage, not your stepson. That is what has to be faced. Your husband is allowing that his son damage you. And you are allowing it. How must this feel, I can't even imagine. And you are submitting to this. You live with an alcoholic who is not taking responsibility for his own behavior. That is the central problem, I think. Where in the world is positive change going to come from?

We will soon be entering our retirement years and I am sick with the thought that this situation will continue until the day we die

Yes.

The ball is in your court. You are responsible for you. Neither your stepson nor your husband are likely to change, absent some catalyst to do so and even then, why would they? The only one who can change is you.

I would consider psychotherapy. I would also go to Al Anon meetings for family members of Alcoholics or Nar Anon.

Until you confront that you have a role in this drama, you will fall victim to it and enable it. We are either part of the problem or the solution. If we see ourselves as victims of others we are part of the problem. If we accept we have personal responsibility and choice we are part of the solution. You deserve to not suffer, but the remedies depend on you. The only control any of us has, is over ourselves and our choices.

 

[Acacia]

I have a 38 year old son who sounds much like your stepson. I was kept in a FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt for two decades, especially because my ex, his father allowed him to drink and get high at age 11. I enabled because I felt guilty and was sure my son would change if I showed him how much I love him. Nothing I did worked, and over the years he became more and more intimidating and verbally abuse.

I had to get help to learn to set boundaries and to finally decide that no matter how much I love my son, I refuse to be abused. He has rejected all counsel, and now because of his criminal behavior, he is facing a lengthy prison sentence. I cannot save him or change him. I can only love him, but that is from afar, so I accept letters that are respectful, but I do not talk to or visit him in jail. Save yourself, your husband, your marriage - you deserve to have a peaceful retirement.