Worried yet again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Well my hubby and I got back a couple of days ago from a really nice vacation in Norway. I didn't have internet access while I was gone which was really really good for me. We talked to my son before we left and he sounded pretty good. I did get access a couple of times while we were gone and sent him a couple of messages. We did give him access to a bit of money for emergency use while we were gone. Of course he has spent that (I could tell online) and given his lack of communication with us I think he is either drinking, smoking pot or whatever. I have no idea what he is doing and I am feeling like throwing in the towel to be honest.

    We have tried to help him and be there for him in so many ways and I am really feeling like he just takes advantage of us... and honestly you would think he would call or at least respond to me now that we are back and he hasn't. At this point I don't think he will contact us until he needs money and I think at that point we just need to say no and let him figure it out.

    I know several of you have been telling me this for awhile....and maybe now I just have to let it happen. We let him happen before and he was homeless for 3 months in the middle of winter. I think in some ways that was so traumatic for me. I don't want to go through that again. I just don't have faith he will figure it out I guess.....

    And if he gets desperate enough he will agree to go to treatment but we have done that so many times too....it just feels hopeless to me.

    And of course maybe it is not as hopeless as it feels but it is hard to know since I really have no information.
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry for your situation. I live in constant disappointment myself. I hear all the time that at least he's alive.

    Our son is in recovery but seems to be extremely immature.... If he didn't choose recovery mind you he would be dead, as he was a young in heroine user. He does not communicate with us either unless he needs money or he got in trouble and has to call.

    How many times can you morn a son who's still alive! We have other children as well, who needs our attention. My heart hurts for you, my heart hurts for all us parents who never thought in a million years this would be part of our journey.

    I believe in prayer, and am praying for you.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    im so sorry TL.

    This is only my opinion.I think forcing thrm into treatment is useless. I am seeing right here, on this site, that they may go to treatment if we threaten them with pulling out all the stops and money, but that unless it is their idea, they dont seem to get clean. THElY need to ask to go. They know we'll help if they want to go.

    Think of it like this. The source of your money tells you to take a class in learning the Russian language. You dont want to learn it, but if you don't pretend you do, your money supply will be cut off. You could be homeless. So you go. But you dont learn. And you don't care becsuse you still have money and a roof. You cant force sobriety. it comes when THEY want it, not when we send them to rehab.

    Nobody needs to sleep in the cold. There are shelters. I volunteered at one. Some adult kids whine sbout shelters probably becsuse they have rules, such as no using drugs or drinking there...so they prefer to sleep maybe in a group by a fire. It is their choice. There are plenty of food pantries. Drug users aren't very hungry.They use "I haven't eaten for a week" to get money or food cards from us. They use them for drugs.

    I hope you can stand strong. We will support anything you do and big hugs.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry TL that you are still going through this.

    Our son is in treatment because it was that or a homeless shelter. Even though he doesn't want to be in treatment, I'm glad he is there because at least I don't have to worry about him not being safe. I know he may not get anything out of it and is just going through the motions. At this point I don't even care anymore because I'm feeling hopeless too. One thought I had when we moved him to Florida is that if he does ever live outside at least he won't freeze. I didn't think it would come to that but now I'm not so sure.

    I pray too and prayers for all of us for the strength to endure this horrible journey we did not choose.
  5. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    Sorry. It is a hard road, and everyone is correct you can't coerce or force recovery. and nothing can predict what it will finally be, if it ever does happen, the will "click" in the addict's head and make them realize that their lives have become unmanageable.

    I'm still waiting for that "click" in my own situation, personally.

    Maybe sometimes it isn't a "click" maybe they just get worn out. I don't know.
  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I have read that you shouldn't allow them home after recovery? He is dual diagnosis...sent him to college, left in an ambulance....except for alcohol, I think he did it all during a depressive state. He has been in recovery for 6 months....

    He is 19, but acts like an awkward young guy, but not dumb. He's on so many prescribed drugs for depression, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). It's crazy.

    We are out 20,000 at this point, we can't keep him in sober living forever. He works part-time, but it only pays for food. His therapist said just one step at a time. They took him off his opiate blocker, said he didn't need it any longer.

    Where would a 19 yr old go if not home? He can'isolated himself...it will trigger use, he's so naive believes everyone.

    Waiting for him to grow,
    A mom
  7. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    TL, I've been following your story for years now. The pattern that I'm seeing is that your son enters detox, rehab, or sober living when he can no longer tolerate living on the streets. Enforced abstinence is the price he pays for a roof over his head, a place to sleep, and food to eat.

    I don't think he's ever really owned his addiction and wanted to get sober for himself and himself alone. It may be time to let him go and force him to own his life and consequences.

    I know it hurts. After all, he is your son. Flesh of your flesh, bone of your bone. But, he's also an individual, and the ONLY one who can make the investment sobriety requires.

    You keep saying you will help him if he seeks help. It's not working. Let him try on his own.
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  8. This is so true what swot said. My son has been telling me this for years, not to waste my money because unless he wants it, nothing will change. However, i have been deaf to his advice and i am learning the truth the hard way.

    Another true statement here TL, but i know how had it is to take this advice because we feel like if he is doing one thing right maybe it will trigger more changes and therefore we get stuck helping and helping and eventually everything falls apart and we are back to square one. I hope something clicks in your son's mind so you can have some peace in your heart.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Well he called me a few minutes ago. He has been working for his rent and had some work but not much. I know he was going to ask me for money.... but we got into an argument about a charge I saw online.... basically he wasn't taking responsibility for it and I was getting annoyed. I think he hung up on me. So I hung up. I think he thinks he will punish me by not calling back but you know what I am ok with that...

    I do think a year ago when he went into treatment he really wanted it then. That was the first time he really asked for it and he did well for awhile before he relapsed.... but what happens is he gets into sober living, has trouble finding work and starts spinning his wheels... and wanting to do it his way.

    I think at this point I just need to back off as much as I can and let him figure it out in whatever way he can. It is hard when he calls and I want to help him out... and my husband can have a harder time than I do with it.

    I really hate this whole cycle....
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    TL so sorry for your agony over your son. I am doing the same thing on my end.

    If anyone can describe hell on earth, this is certainly it to me!
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  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Then it's time to jump off the "cycle". When it leaves you feeling hopeless, it's time to step back and recharge your batteries. None of us can run on empty.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So true.... and I am trying to do that. Just went on a great vacation with my hubby.... and I am living my life and enjoying it too.....but it is still hard not to worry and get caught up in it at times. But it no longer totally rules every waking minute.
  13. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It starts the day they are born.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I now myself this sbout all my kids. And I worry about all of them. There is always something yo worry about for a worrier.

    "Does my worry help them orchange anything?"

    It calms me down a lot.
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  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I would describe myself as a worrier. Maybe it is just the difference between my kids but I don't spend a lot of time worrying about my daughter. Oh every now and then I worry about some catastrophe happening to her but in general I don't worry about her. She has a good head on her shoulders, makes good decisions, is motivated and driven and is doing well in her life and she always has. I trust her and so I don't worry too much about her. My son has always caused me worry because something was always going on, he was always getting into trouble and he is impulsive and often makes bad decisions and has a substance abuse problem to boot. So he gives me lots to worry about and the thing I have to do keep doing is not letting that be the total focus of my life. At one time it was and now I don't think it is anymore....but that balance of not letting it take over is fragile at times.
  16. DarkwingPsyduck

    DarkwingPsyduck Active Member

    I need to correct you on something; he has never actually tried to recover. In order to truly recover, the decision must be our own. It must come from a desire to improve ourselves, our lives, and the lives of our loved one. It sounds like your son has made superficial gestures in the past to avoid negative consequences for his actions. The idea is that you do not support this life style in ANY manner, regardless of how many times and how much money he wastes on these superficial gestures. The message should be that getting clean is what he SHOULD be doing, regardless of whether or not he gets a reward, or avoids some punishment.

    The way you are feeling right now is what is so selfish about active addiction. YOU suffer from the consequences of his actions that YOU lay out. That isn't fair in any way, shape, or form. Essentially, the consequences of his failures effect you in a much more profound way than it does him. This is so unfortunate, and I am sorry. I don't know how to fix that, or if it even can be fixed. My experience is from the other side of this nightmare, but it is likely that he doesn't really appreciate the depth of your pain. Either because he genuinely does not understand, or, more likely, he makes the effort to remain ignorant to your pain. It is hard to appreciate that while still using.
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    TL. RN has a thread right now that I have been posting on. I believe the posts I wrote today (not the last one about my sister and mother) but the ones before, could apply to your situation. They certainly apply to my own.
    Like Going and darkwing, I believe you have never detached fully. Your sadness now, your hopelessness, is the realization that you cannot do it for him or even with him, because as long as you are there with him, he thinks and feels it is about you, not him. I agree with darkwing that he has never before been serious. That does not mean he will not be in the future. But there is no place in his recovery for you. That is what you are seeing. You have hit your bottom. He has not, it seems, hit his.
    That is what I tried to articulate on RN's thread. As long as we suffer for them or even with them they do not ever seem to take responsibility for their actions or their recovery. Because we love them so much, and they know it, they are used to seeing us bear the pain of it. If we back out of it--they are forced to bear their own pain and consequences themselves.

    Now I am feeling the hypocrite because not only is my son in my home but I have insisted he not use marijuana here. (I never said I was either logical or consistent. Just wordy.)

    But that is not entirely fair to me. From September to March I backed all the way out. I never called. When he called I could not get off the phone fast enough. I said, no, oh, and so. It was my greatest hour.
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I do think a year ago he wanted recovery.... or at least recognized in a new way he had a problem. He talked to us about it, knew he needed to detox and sought out treatment. And at least for awhile he seemed really serious about it all and then he relapsed again. He made progress....but yeah I am not sure he has ever really totally embraced the idea of recovery from all substances. He did not call me back which in some ways is a relief.... and I have not called him. I am not reaching out to him right now.

    And you are right I have not fully detached I guess. I am not really sure how to do that. I have made huge strides since i first came on this site 5 years ago but I guess I need to detach even further.

    Thank you DarkWing for your comments. Your experience and insight on the other side is really helpful. I think one thing that hurts and makes me angry is his lack of understanding of what he has put us through. And that he doesn't really seem to care... I can see that is the drug use talking but really he seems to have no idea and doesn't seem to care. Its all about what can I do for him.

    Copa - I will go look at that other thread. I just got back from being away so I am very behind.
  19. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi TL.
    We are here so many times, do they know what a relief it is to not hear from them? NO begging for cash "just $20.00 for gas, etc" We find that immediately after having contact such as his BD or Christmas get together when he feels we are on good terms again, the begging starts all over. They are so persistent, aren't they? If only they used that skill to provide for themselves, they'd be millionaires (or just into more expensive drugs).

    I feel this too-not EVERY minute- but I could still do better at going on with my own life. I think it was Leafy who said she chooses to simply believe they are out there making their own way, figuring it out. I've tried to self-talk that thought in order to get away from my "stinkin thinkin".

    Once again thank you Darkwing. I'm sure many of us feel "If he only knew how he hurts me"....it's hard being us and even entertaining the thought that they might know and don't care. If we could search this forum for the phrase "it doesn't make sense"....ugh.
    As a mom who got 8am text from son's girlfriend (once again pretending to be him) just asking for gas $, they'll pay us back, they've asked everyone, Ems is taking baby to hospital, my leg fell off, I was beat up and robbed...on and on. SO old. We didn't respond but in my mind-- No, you've never paid back a cent, everyone's been burnt, ask ems if you can ride in ambulance, put your leg back on, sorry...
    My thoughts are with you, my dirty little secret is that I love him so much but many times I wonder if I should have just said no when welfare called 29 yrs ago to "emergency" place him. It's been one emergency after another ever since. Prayers.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I will let Darkwing hopefully tell all of you if I am right or wrong. This is my impression after talking to my daughter.

    While actively using, our adult kids are not thinking about what they put us through. They need the drug. It comes first, second,and third. We are only in their thoughts when they want money or shelter. To make their dysfunctional behavior easier. We take their behavior personally when it is about their disease.

    After they quit and if in a good program...I like NA because it forces the person ti have introspection and make amends...then they realize what they put their loved ones through. But my daughter did not utilize any orogram and still apologized once clean. They have to get clean to get their empathy back.

    Darkwing, please correct me where I am wrong. Thank you, friend.