Wow. Indirectly heard from N's birthmom!

[BusynMember]

I got an e-mail from her closest friend (who I had contacted in an attempt to reach her). The friend wrote back and said that she had given B. the picture of N. and how to reach me and that B. wants me to know that now she knows how to contact me. That was it, but now I'm freaked out the other way. I can't win, can I? LOL. It will be a long time, even if B. contacts me, that she will get to see N. I want to hear about her life first and get to know her and exchange our thoughts. At twelve, N. may be too young to really see her face-to-face and I'm leaving that up to an Adoption Therapist that I trust. But at least I can let her know about this child, show her pictures, and maybe prepare for a meeting several years down the road. My closest friend who is adopted feels that this is too young for an actual meeting, but that some questions can be answered, letters maybe exchanged. Me, I'm going to spend a lot of time with the Adoption Therapist. She counsels adopted kids all the time and does group with them too. I wish she was closer--I'd sent N. to her group. But she is in Green Bay and I don't live that close to Green Bay. Still, we talk on the phone a lot and she is very helpful. I sought out B. after N. had been teary-eyed and emotional, which had made ME teary-eyed and emotion. Now that N. is over that for now and full speed ahead with her busy life, I'm not so sure I should disrupt it at her age. So I will lean heavily upon professionals. Every step of the way. But I feel a little better now. At least B. is thinking about N. That's important.

Thanks for reading.

 

[KTMom91]

Everything you did, you did with N's best interests in mind. B knows how to contact you, and if/when she does, you'll go from there. Your daughter is blessed to have such a caring mom, and it sounds like she appreciates you very much.

 

[gcvmom]

Mary said it best That's great news!

 

[Star*]

I think you are a very understanding person. Was this an open adoption? I think if it is not I would personally have a problem with someone having contact if it were not an open adoption.

I admire your resolve - especially after what you've been through with your other kid. Hugs - Youre really a fantastic Mom.

 

[BusynMember]

The adoption started out open, but b-mom closed it. Thanks for the good wishes.

U R all the best.

 

[TerryJ2]

MWM, sounds like you will end up waiting until your daughter is older. It takes weeks, months or even years to get these things arranged, so that may work out for the best for her. Not necessarily the best for your nerves, though!
Take care.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, it b-mom wants to meet N. it ain't gonna happen soon. Everyone will need adoption counseling and it's will be on my daughter's timetable. I have a friend who searched and it was very emotional for her and she was 37. N. has some slight memories of B., but I still want to make sure she is well-prepared for it. So there sure won't be any rush. But I kept my promise to my daughter: She would get to know her bmom one day. I think most adopted kids want this, whether or not they tell us. It is something they feel will hurt us and some adoptive parents are very hostile to any talk of it. So the kids don't talk.

 

[Star*]

I struggled for years with "the W's" who, what, where, when, why. OMG it inadvertently messed my psyche up and really caused me to make some bad decisions in my life.

I've been approached by a lot of people who want to know "what if your birth parents (fill in the blank)" and I really have no answers. I can tell you at 40ish, I don't want a reunion. To me I've dealt with what W's I can and came to terms and peace with those I can't answer. Thirty years ago? I probably would have been so confused it would have messed me up even more to see or hear anything a birthparent had to say. Fast fwd. 30 years? I'm okay with who I am, how I got where I am, and don't need anything from the past to come my way. I'm very content with what's done is done. Leave it done.

I don't long for a reunion, I don't long to know if I have siblings. I don't really think about it at all anymore. I didn't like that adoption show where the guy drove around reuniting families...because some people just do not want to be found. I'm in that category now and forever more.

I think for your daughter she is so incredibly lucky to have a Mom who actually THINKS about what is best without remorse or regrets. I think it is incredibly selfish of BM to give her up, then want contact. I think maybe to find out HOW she is - or to see in pictures? Or write a letter that tells your daughter WHY she was given up - would be fantastic.

I still maintain that there would be a lot less messed up adoptees in the world if there were information made manditory for every adoption - It would have to tell you WHY your parents gave you up. It would tell you about your father, your Mother - your heritage. Perhaps even a picture of both parents, grands, sibs....maybe that's going a bit far. But something that says "THIS is where you came from." I think adoptees could deal with all the "w's" a lot better if they knew at least that much.

Like -Mom - age 17 - Father - age 18. We wanted to give our daughter a chance at a life we could not give her we never married or intended to. Mom good at - music, art, loves animals.
Father good at - sports, artistic, very mechanically inclined.
No known health defects - in parents. Fraternal Gpa - heart trouble. Paternal G'ma - breast cancer.

Something like THAT for not just open adoptions - but EVERY adoption.
A picture of each bioparent would be helpful too because kids always ALWAYS ALWays WANT to know - WHO do I look like.

Now that I'm older - I don't really need any of that - but I do think growing up it would have helped me to know that I wasn't thrown away but given away and why. But what I would NEVER have needed was to be found 10 years after being given up and hear all the boo hooo about the W's. Know what I mean?? I had enough to deal with on my own.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Ropefree]

MidwestMom: What is so helpful on this site is the glimpses into the layers of love and care Mothers and Fathers wrap their children. How and why and when to add and when to unbundle...and what I admire about your expressiveness is the detail you think through!
i have felt that open adoption is a better idea than the closed type because, in reality, fertility is a sign of health and when a person is cut off from all knowledge about their parents they are left blind to their ENTIRE history. Star pointed out we all want to know who we look like, and those family resemblances may not be direct to Mom or Dad. my son looked so much like his greatuncle as babies and we have a photo from the 30's next to a photo from the 90's of two babies with the same ears, hair line, expression, and body pose. My Dad at the time of my birth and I did not resemble one another but his school year book photo shows some of the features we do share.
The medical history info is going to be so much more useful with the improved techknowleges and diagnostics.
And I think you are making clear boundaries when you are checking out who the birth mom is now and also to be very certain that the daughter you have braced close to your heart is getting what she needs in terms of conseling, and perspective. I also feel that giving a child a childhood...giving them the time and safe environment to grow and learn and become is the central priority of parenting.
Congratulations on finding a way to some of the answers that puzzled you about the birthparents.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm doing this for my daughter, not for myself or the birthmother. I want her to know why she has big brown eyes and is a good athlete and who her half-brother is. If she doesn't want to know, that's one thing. But she does. To me, it's all about her. And I'm not going to do any contact until an adoption professional sees her for a long time and says she is ready. I'm just glad I know where she is now so we can get her if we need her. You never know if you'll need to ask a medical question, etc.
Ropefree, I had a birthchild. I adopted by choice, not need.

 

[Star*]

Give my niece a hug from me since I can't be there to give her one. Then give yourself one because you really are a great Mom!

 

[BusynMember]

Aw, Star, you are the board momma!!! You are so sweet. Thanks!

 

[C.J.]

Ladies,

Thank you. N* will be meeting with a social worker next week to talk about open adoption for the baby she's carrying now.

We met with a different one a few days after she told me she was pregnant, when the first words out of her mouth were, "I think it would be best for the baby if I put it up for adoption." This social worker said after thirty years of doing this, the only way she will now do private adoptions is with some sort of open adoption arrangement. There are fewer problems with the adopted children later. Unfortunatley, the meeting with the first social worker did not go well, as I think N* thought open adoption would allow her full visitation rights - including overnight visits, (Egads!), rather than the more close to reality open adoption which would allow her to choose the parents, and in turn they would provide her with letters, pictures, and an occasional visit to the adoptive family's home. N* wasn't listening and wanted to hear what she wanted to hear.

Her OB/GYN gave her the referral to the social worker we will meet next week.

I now have a few more questions to put on my list. I've been trying to be sensitive to the fact that if N* goes through with an adoption, she will grieve, which would be understandable. I've also been trying to have her put herself in her own little girl shoes, and be sensitive to what her baby will also want - a stable home with two committed loving parents....