wow she's home and it's scary

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Mar 22, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i sent her the text if you do not return by 3 i will call cops, i will give them your friends names so they can go to their homes and the parents will get in trouble for housing you there when you also did not attend school.

    so 3:01 she walked in. sent difficult child to go rake leaves. went in, therapist called before i went ina nd she said see if you can just engage her and than give some rules not alot and i'll try to get her in tmrw.

    ok i go in say ok what's going on, you were fine with-me at least up till sat. when i went to see my friend a woman i have been friends with for 25 years and haven't seen. i said than suddenly sat. everything changed.

    she said your a loser a horrible parent, i'm not taking an ssri or going to therapy. i'm no longer living here, i'm lining up a place to live. i'm looking for a job, your a piece of ****, i went to each teacher and told them the abuse you do to me!! wow. i said abuse? are you kidding? she said their all "team lauren" now. she actually used those words to me. she said when i graduate i will not be living here do not come to it. i want nothing to do with you i'm done.

    i will come and go as i please, you can't do anything about it. prepare to be tortured for the next 6 weeks.
     
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Jena -

    She does not get to choose where she lives right now, but honestly, I don't know if it's worth the hassle to fight her for 6 more weeks. If she finds a place to live, I'd be sorely tempted to let her go (but I am old and very tired, LOL).

    Team Lauren. OMG, just chuckling here. Oooookay.

    Turn the cell phone off. Period. Laundry service stops. All cash stops. Do to get. Since she's not doing anything, that's what she gets.

    She needs help, and I suspect her alcohol use is a big factor here, but... you are unfortunately limited in what you can force her to do. Keep *your* bases covered - if she's still living with- you and she takes off, you need to report her as a runaway, each and every time.

    I'm so sorry.
     
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Time to go talk to the counselor at the school.

    She can make your life horrible. IF YOU LET HER. Yeah, you're the mom, and she's trying to put it back on you. This is "normal" behavior - for an addict. Make no mistake, alcohol is as bad as many drugs.

    Also - have you considered the fact that she may be abusing cold medication, or other OTC medications? The reason I ask this is - they do not show up on drug screenings, unless you're at a hospital and mention it. Juvenile detention drug tests usually aren't that sophisticated (this comes straight from Onyxx's PO).

    Yep, it's scary.

    Turn off the cell phone.

    Call the police every.single.time. she vanishes.

    I'm sorry, Jen. I wish I could wave my magic pixy stix and make it better.
     
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i said to her i am shocked your friend with whom is such a nice girl who has such a bad home life who has legal guardian right now flies the straight and narrow would be a part of this.

    she said if you talk badly about any of my friends i will lose it on you. i said if you touch me at all cops will be called and you will be gone. that simple. she said and than i'll tell them how you hit me, who do you think they'll believe me or you who is already being investigated by cps!? omg.

    alcohol no alcohol she needs more help than i thought. this is the same kid who last week watched a movie with me, same kid who two weeks ago we went to dinner together, same kid who went to spa with me. wtf?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    i dont' know who she is anymore. it's done. i told her you won't run this house, you wont' run me. do what you may than watch how it all unfolds i'm older, smarter and wiser. i said i love you yet your sick with rage. i dont' know why or how you got to thsi place yet it's very sad to watch.
     
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Who wil they believe - the child who got in trouble while you were out of town, who was caught shoplifting, or you???

    Yes, she needs help. DO NOT GIVE IN.

    I'd sending you some of my rhino skin, all polished up.
     
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Well, at least there appears to be one up side. Evidently she plans on doing what it takes to make sure she graduates. Somehow that surprises me...in a pleasant way. As far as all the rest you'll have your hands full for sure. Alot of family members have been there done that but it is truly sad. Hugs. DDD
     
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi

    there's nothing to give in over. truly. we stopped the money, took the labtop, she has abeen stripped down now. i wont' fold on that. its' just all very sad. i'm not sure where i'll put all this junk in me now. therapy, therapy, therapy, meditation, horse, horse, and just hold onto fact i have one kid left difficult child. who i'll try my best to help her.

    just such a shame. im so open to giving help, bringing to therapists, just whatever anything and everything as i'm sure many other parents have been. i thought id' look back on this with her someday and laugh. yet to be honest i dont' see that happening. i see an exact replay right now of my mom and i and our relationship. makes me very sad.

    i didnt' want that for her or with her. i wanted more for us. i gave more due to that fact. yes i am def. doing the where did i go wrong thing right now with this situation. trying not to blame me yet i'm the mom. how could i not. i gave her food, clothing, love, support, always antid up when i felt i messed up, gave my time. what did i miss? i have no clue. this having kids things simply sucks to be honest. love it up till they become teens than i want no part of it.

    it's good they dont tell us that when the words hey your pregnant ring out in the doctor's office!! :)

    made dinner for just difficult child and i tonight, rented us movies from library cocoon part1 and 2! lol. so we're havinga movie night. she's hurting too. said i love her why she doing this? i said i dont' know babe. sometimes teenagers just rebel and there is no good reason why and sometimes mom's have to wait for them to return back to us when they become adults. she said well i miss her though, and ill miss her when she leaves. i said i know so will i. yet she has to live her own life whatever she decides that's going to be. she doesn'et want our help anymore
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am with Slsh on this one maybe because I am old and tired but I would give her what she is asking for.

    She doesnt want anything to do with you? Fine and dandy missy! Same goes here. Meals are at such and such a time. If you miss them, peanut butter is in the cabinet. No more money, no more free laundry services. No more cell phone. No more laptop or car service. Im sure she has plenty of clothes to do her for the next two months.

    She thinks this is a threat why? I would tell her I would be dancing on the roof top!
     
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    no i made dinner just for difficult child and i. i am not cooking dinner for her. she knows how much i love her so ofcourse she knows as she's belittling me insulting me she's hurting me. why would i be dancing on the rooftops? she's my first born. plus i can't lie always been bad at it.

    i simply said it's sad your sick and needa alot of help that you wont' get now. what a waste of 18 years worth of work on you total waste!

    and i never did her laundry. she's done it since 12 when i taught her. never wake her in a.m. she's done taht since 12 also. actually we didnt' do very much lol. rides she got from friends past year for most part also. i just brought her to therapy past mos. and we've been doing dinners out together, spending time etc. ya know mom and kid junk
     
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Kudos to her for wanting to graduate. I would be dancing on the roof, too, if she wanted to move out. I can tell you it is a whole lot more peaceful around here! I don't foresee my difficult child wanting to come back at this point and to be perfectly honest I am kind of hoping she never does...
     
  11. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    jena,

    Not to bring false hope but unless she truly has a major problem with alcohol she may come back sooner or later. She may be talking more out of anger and bravado now, and her feelings may have been hurt by the discussion with school. I'd give it some time before deciding she is gone forever, though I am sure that is what it feels like right now.

    Sorry.
     
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I bristle just reading that, really gets my hackles up. I'd be changing the locks (that's my reaction, not advice).
     
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yea you can't when their only 17. pepper that's correct. she told me just get me my birth certificate, we lost it in move, and my s.s. card so i can go live my life. than she left shortly thereafter announcing how she was going to fill out more job applications.

    she said i'll get a job, i'll buy my own car, get my own health insurance. she said you bring difficult child to doctor all the time i hardly go. i said your hardly ever sick. she went on and on. she said i'm tired of this house difficult child stuff i gotta get outta here.

    such is life. she has court next week though and asked me if i could go to it. i siad go to therapy i'll go to court with you.
     
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Just my 2 cents but in my humble opinion, if she has left again for the night, I think you should call the police and report it. I know they don't do anything as far as looking for her and bringing her home. But you need to get this stuff documented. And really, you don't know what all she's doing or who she's with- reporting it to police does let them know that you care about what your child is doing and if they see her out they will question her to find out who she is and if it's your daughter, as a minor, they will bring her home. I am concerned that given her state of mind, this approach could be sending her a message that is counter-productive to the one you are trying to send.
     
  15. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    you know, an additional thing to say to her is to acknowledge that life with difficult child is difficult, that you admire and understand her for wanting to move out, get a job etc, and that you hope that you and see will be able to have a relationship on those terms. with mutual respect. Doesn't mean that you owe her anything, but if she does get her act together you would be delighted to spend time with her. be the mature one, acknowledge her need to leave. may take some of the wind out of her sails. Sounds like she is trying to "hurt" you for all the time you have had to spend with difficult child.
     
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    i will come and go as i please, you can't do anything about it. prepare to be tortured for the next 6 weeks.

    Reaction: This is the same thing you could say to her.

    Advice: Of course, you will take the high road and just ignore her to the best of your ability.

    This must be breaking your heart. She has turned into someone else. Go have a good cry. OMG, I feel for you. Some day, you'll figure out what she got into but for now, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other. And hug the other kid.
     
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jena...it sounds to me like she's doing drugs, not just drinking, but she is too old now to force her to take any drug tests. My daughter was much like yours when she took drugs. Not saying it's a positive, but it sure sounds like it :< I would let her move. She'll be back soon enough crying for money, telling you she didn't know it would be so hard, etc. THEN you will have a real problem...for now, just let yourself have some R&R. JMO

    Huggz
     
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi

    she didnt' go out for night. she returned home. than cleaned her room and did laundry. she went in my rm and took her labtop i stopped her and said you aren't allowed in my room that way.

    she said i have hw and research i have to do. how else will i do it? i said from now on if you have hw thats no problem, let me know ill give it back to you to take care of it than return it to me till further notice. i also told her i am not ok with her floating in and out as she pleases. just not me.she verbally attacked me via text that's fine...... i said its' our home, our rules, we supply food shelter, etc. you gotta supply obiding by a curfew that's set no negotiating that told her ill leave list of rules in her room she can read tmrw. i said if you break them there will be further consequences. if i have to call the cops everyday than so be it.

    i tried the let it roll thing ummm sooo not me! Terry yea it hurts, i cried and got it out than i watched two movies with difficult child and calmed down and redirected my mind. got some new coconut oil to put on difficult child's rash and my wrinkles so we played with that fora while. i miss my kid no doubt. yet i can't let her walk all over me regardless the pain shes feeling whatever that may be and trying to guilt me taht i didnt' give her my all when i know i did.

    i told her same, i said i get it's hard living with difficult child i feel it too and i'm sorry yet it isnt' my fault nor is it difficult child's its' just life. yet it's no excuse for the behavior displayed to me as if i should be punished. i said i'll get your documents and tahn if you wanna go on your birthday than so be it i wish you well and we'll be here for you shall and IF you fall down on the path. i said it's hard out there and although your anxious to begin your adult life one has to have certain things in place first and a respectful attitude towards me who has always been there for you regardless and who will always love you is not at all acceptable and also not a vision i need difficult child seeing.

    midwest mom we drug tested her shes' clean...... if anything it's alcohol related.
     
  19. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    She can send for her own birth certificate AND pay for it! That's what a true "adult" would have to do. Let her try to navigate the bureaucracy of New York State.
     
  20. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    She can't send for her birth certificate till she's 18 and then she'd need that and other documentation to get her SS card. The bureaucracy of NY is actually a lot simpler to navigate these days with everything on-line.

    Jena - Did you talk to the teachers to see if they actually are all on "Team Lauren?" I would doubt it. I would give her GC a heads up - they can legally do a locker search to see if she has alcohol in there and that might get her some help. Of course, if you think she might have drugs in there, I wouldn't suggest that.

    Good luck...
     
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