You know you have a difficult child if.....

[brendan]

I want to start a new funny thread called "You know you have a difficult child if..."

Now, mine is only 9 yr old but here is what I already have experienced. Please add yours for a good laugh! B has been a problem since he came out...

You know you have a difficult child if...

1. You've never talked to one single mom in a "playgroup" because you are constantly following difficult child around saying things like "NO HIT. NO BITE. SHARE! Say you're sorry! NO. NO. NO. We are leaving!" (2-5 yr old)

2. You can't even count how many times other moms have yelled at your difficult child when you dared take a minute to actually converse with other people in a playgroup/playground situation.

3. You never drank more than 2 beers before he was born, and suddenly it is 10 a night.

4. You drop him off at pre-school and listen to him scream in a corner but still leave because you need the break.

5. He is only 8 yr old when he has his first suspension... for punching his teacher.

6. All the parents in your neighborhood have banned their children from playing with him.

7. He actually looks at an "aspergers" quiz online and says "Hey!!! Thats me!!!"

 

[HaoZi]

Adding to one of the old ones:
When finding the medications in the dark by sound, and you have two that sound too similar to be sure by sound alone, you tell by either feel or smell which one you grabbed.

You buy glowsticks in bulk during post-Halloween clearance sales because they make good distractions for cranky difficult child - not because they might be handy in an emergency.

If difficult child screams in another room, your first response is to ask "Are you (or cat, friend, etc) broken or bleeding?" If the response is a negative, you give it a few minutes before seeing what (if anything) is wrong.

When you see/hear sirens headed in the direction of difficult child's school, your first thought is "Please, don't let it be my kid that caused that." Ditto every time you hear the phone ring.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Your new blender is used to make stone soup,

you find your all neighbor's garbage on your property because 8 y.o. difficult child decides it's too good to go to waste,

you wonder what are all the little flat plastic pieces littering the floor, you throw them out and find out that you have just ruined every battery operated toy your difficult child has,

all your expensive rechargeable batteries have been left out in the rain,

all your tools have rusted for the same reason,

your twins decide to see just how upset they can get little Emily by peeing on her head from the roof of the school outbuilding,

on the day your adoption social worker comes to see how your family is doing,your twin sons decide to tie their new sister's stroller to their bikes and tow her around "real fast" so she goes flying and her face is all scraped up,

you can no longer travel because the kids fight ALL the time and neglect your filial duties , both your mother in law and father in law as well as your own mother are found dead within 8 months of each other. Everyone thinks it's your fault they died.

 

[HaoZi]

Ouch 3S, that last one is rough. *hugs*

Your kid trials new medications faster than you can remember to change your sig.

 

[brendan]

Your new blender is used to make stone soup,

you find your all neighbor's garbage on your property because 8 y.o. difficult child decides it's too good to go to waste,

you wonder what are all the little flat plastic pieces littering the floor, you throw them out and find out that you have just ruined every battery operated toy your difficult child has,

all your expensive rechargeable batteries have been left out in the rain,

all your tools have rusted for the same reason,

your twins decide to see just how upset they can get little Emily by peeing on her head from the roof of the school outbuilding,

on the day your adoption social worker comes to see how your family is doing,your twin sons decide to tie their new sister's stroller to their bikes and tow her around "real fast" so she goes flying and her face is all scraped up,

you can no longer travel because the kids fight ALL the time and neglect your filial duties , both your mother in law and father in law as well as your own mother are found dead within 8 months of each other. Everyone thinks it's your fault they died.

(((HUGS))) Sorry about your loss.

 

[hexemaus2]

...a good day is one that involves no broken bones, profuse bleeding, or any form of whirly lighted vehicles in your driveway

...you listen to normal parents complain about their kids and your knee jerk response is "wussy."

...your night class psychology 101 professor no longer acknowledges when you raise your hand, or start any question with "But what about..."

...the pharmaceutical company reps from the psychiatrists office send your family Christmas cards

...your child throws a temper tantrum in Wally World and you're tempted to turn to the lady behind you and say "Where is this kids mother? Sheesh." and quickly walk away before difficult child notices you're leaving and claims you

...you laugh maniacally when your adult easy child calls and says "Mom, can't take her anymore. I don't understand why she's acting this way." (and still, the thought "wussy" comes to mind.)

...waiting in line to pick up medications, the pharmacist refers customers for you for medication "consultations" when things get busy

...your child takes more pills a day than your ailing, 80-something year old grandmother

...you sympathize with your mother about Gram's dimentia issues and oppositional behaviors, offering your advice about what has worked for difficult child (amazing how similar Alzheimers and Austim symptoms are)

...your monthly pharmacy bill for difficult child alone is higher than your mortgage payment

...you buy cars with 3rd row seating so you can keep the difficult children separated while driving (lamenting that there's no option for full body harnesses with padlocks)

...you lock the keys in your car and immediately think to ask difficult child how to break in to get them

...you no longer think of childproofing your home as something you do for babies or toddlers

 

[HaoZi]

You gave up on childproofing anything because they were bypassing it before their 2nd birthday, either by genius or brute force. Sometimes you never figure out which.

A good day is one in which there were no raised voices, "I hate you!"s or "Leave me alone!"s. Or worse. Even if the homework was never glanced at.

When you look at all the leftovers from trialed medications, and seriously wonder if they would help your own anxiety.

When you can be in a room full of other parents, and still feel completely alone.

 

[brendan]

...a good day is one that involves no broken bones, profuse bleeding, or any form of whirly lighted vehicles in your driveway

...you listen to normal parents complain about their kids and your knee jerk response is "wussy." - lol!!!!

...your night class psychology 101 professor no longer acknowledges when you raise your hand, or start any question with "but what about..."

...the pharmaceutical company reps from the psychiatrists office send your family christmas cards- funny!

...your child throws a temper tantrum in wally world and you're tempted to turn to the lady behind you and say "where is this kids mother? Sheesh." and quickly walk away before difficult child notices you're leaving and claims you lmao!!! Thought about doing this

...you laugh maniacally when your adult easy child calls and says "mom, can't take her anymore. I don't understand why she's acting this way." (and still, the thought "wussy" comes to mind.)

...waiting in line to pick up medications, the pharmacist refers customers for you for medication "consultations" when things get busy hahaha

...your child takes more pills a day than your ailing, 80-something year old grandmother lol

...you sympathize with your mother about gram's dimentia issues and oppositional behaviors, offering your advice about what has worked for difficult child (amazing how similar alzheimers and austim symptoms are)

...your monthly pharmacy bill for difficult child alone is higher than your mortgage payment

...you buy cars with 3rd row seating so you can keep the difficult children separated while driving (lamenting that there's no option for full body harnesses with padlocks) been there done that

...you lock the keys in your car and immediately think to ask difficult child how to break in to get them

...you no longer think of childproofing your home as something you do for babies or toddlers

hilarious

 

[brendan]

Awww... love the medications comment! Ritalin does help you to stay awake huh? Room full of other parents...very good insight....so true. difficult child and I spent the night with my best friend and her 9 yr old ds last weekend. I decided to try not giving him his ritalin... He told me he hated me .... she gasped and tld him to tell me he was sorry. Then she said "No ball in the living room - I am locking it away in the closet!" then she is shocked when difficult child gets it out behind her back. "That is so disrespectful!" She says.


YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE SAYING???? YOU ARE MY BEST eff'in friend! Have you heard ANYTHING I have told you for 9 yr? Nope, obviously everything is still *my* fault.

 

[tiredmommy]

Your 9 year old takes your little multitasking talk to heart and decides to practice her newest tap steps while in the shower.....

 

[HaoZi]

You've used the "One day you will understand" line so much that your difficult child has already sworn to never have children of their own.

Even the cat has become a difficult child. Ditto the fish.

You can't clean around the kid because they either get upset you've moved their things, get upset because you expect them to help, or just plain out continue to make messes or demand attention, and by the time they finally fall asleep you're too tired to bother.

 

[svengandhi]

You put the following message on your answering machine:

If you are calling to complain about my child, please press 1.
If you are calling to praise my child, please hang up, check your number and dial again.

 

[Marguerite]

Sveng, I love that one!

Ten years ago I wrote an article about the challenge but also the amusement (coupled with embarrassment) of daily life when you have autistic kids.

Some of the incidents, I have mentioned here before. In a nutshell:

difficult child 3 saying the darndest things, as he tried to use what words he had, to describe his world. For example, having to shut the car window as we turned onto the expressway and began to go faster because "the wind is poking my eyes."

Having difficult child 3 fixated on chasing birds of any kind wherever he saw them in flocks on the ground - it led to some embarrassing situations. In parks, little old ladies who have spent the previous half hour coaxing a pigeon to finally take a bit of bread from their fingers, got very angry when difficult child 3 charged through the flock and laughed with delight as they took to the air. And in Sydney' Central Station (railway) with its high vaulted stone ceilings, the pigeons come and go freely. In the McDonalds there we were ordering some lunch when difficult child 3 saw the pigeons - the place was crowded (think - New York Central Station!) and difficult child 3 chased the pigeons again, through the crowds. People with trays of food; people ordering food; people at tables eating food; hundreds of people and hundreds of pigeons panicking everywhere. We would have liked to pretend he wasn't ours... but someone had to grab the kid and get him out of there.

And the time the new front-loader washing machine arrived. I immediately put it to work. An hour or so later I realised I hadn't seen the boys for some time. I found them both in the laundry, sitting on the floor in front of the washing machine as if the little window was a TV of some sort. Their heads were tilting this way and that in unison, as they watched the little window in the washing machine. difficult child 1 who was 15 at the time said to me, "I don't know why, but I find this strangely compelling..."
They then took the box the washing machine had come in, and turned it into a mini fort which they set up in front of the TV/games console. They cut a small window in the box, filled the box with cushions then climbed in and threaded the game controllers through the box. They sat in the dark in the comfort of their box and played games, peering through their little cardboard window. Later that night I went looking for difficult child 1 and found him in the box, reclining (crouched) on cushions, doing his homework.

And today - easy child 2/difficult child 2's intimate gynaecological procedure. SIL2 was there with her but she was still very nervous. So we talked. I got her started on a topic - movie trivia - and she kept talking about it while I played dumb and asked leading questions. Every so often from between her legs, the doctor put in a comment (or said, "OK, injecting more local now...") but we kept her talking about the fine detail trivia and in so doing, kept her panic level way way down. This doctor is smart - he quietly thanked me afterwards; he had realised how terrified she was and also spotted what I was doing. He said more loudly, "You came through that like a trooper. And I got an education in movie trivia. I'll never look at that scene in Star Wars the same way again..." (it had been the speculum that triggered that recall of easy child 2/difficult child 2's - in the first Star Wars movie, in the scene where Princess Leia is about to be tortured on the Death Star, easy child 2/difficult child 2 insists that the torture robot in the Death Star is equipped with a speculum and an artificial insemination syringe).

Never a dull moment!

Marg

 

[Marcie Mac]

You own a police scanner (or two) and have heard your address given more than once

You know none of your neighbors, but the ones across the street, two blocks up and down and a few streets over know your kid is

You are on a first name basis with everyone in the local police department

You dial 911 and don't have to worry about when they are going to get to your house - its immediate response at your finest.

Your kid finally gets that the sound of a police helicopter in the night causes mom to have PTSD, and calls, even if its three in the morning, waking her up, to tell you to go back to sleep, the helicopter has nothing to do with something he has done

Marcie

 

[Shari]

You buy a car with child proof doors because you have past experience that suggests you need them (not becaucse you think you might).

And prior to those child proof doors, you carried vet wrap to make child-proof restraints.

You made little tiny social stories books, plopped your kid on a pony, and walked circles in a pasture, reading social stories.

jumping on the bed is allowed

there is a swing in the living room

he has broken 2 trampolines

he moved so **** much and fast as an infant/toddler that he wore out infants size 2 shoes. TWO PAIR.

Other mothers call me on rainy days and ask for indoor activities to entertain their children - and call back the next day to thank me for the great ideas!

 

[Shari]

Oh, and if the preacher at your nephew's wedding says "I remember him when he was about this high. He came up and hit me in the gonads. I looked at his brother and he said "yeah, that's normal"."

And you don't go a day in the little town without hearing "Hey, look, he's wearing shoes!"

Your kid walks up to a teenage boy with his pants firmly belted below his butt cheeks and says "excuse me, sir. your pants are falling down."

And he used to thank the automatic door openers.

 

[flutterby]

You can time the "Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! SLAM!" with precision the military would like to have.

You have one large plate and one salad plate missing. Gone. Not broken, just disappeared. And you have 2 sets of flatware, but only 5 butter knifes and 4 spoons. We have all 16 forks, though.

The psychologist who started her practice the year before you were born asks you for ideas.

The doctors ask you what medications you would like to try.

You hide and/or lock up controlled medicines and still count them everyday.

You slip and use the term "difficult child", "psychiatrist", "therapist" in conversations outside the board.

You can spot a difficult child in a room full of people within minutes. Or less.

You have to print out information on your child's disorder to give to therapist and psychiatrist.

There are disorders you can speak about more intelligently than your family doctor.

You think, "Well, at least if he's in jail for 30 days he won't be getting into any trouble."

When someone says they have an idea, your brain starts scrolling through IDEA 2004.

You talk to the school everyday.

You totally understand why your 15 year old daughter who hates anything girly *has* to put the shoes on the Barbie doll in the waiting room. You also understand that having to have clothes hung in a very specific order on very specific hangers in the closet does not mean that anything else in the room is neat. Or even anything resembling neat.

You have been a broken record for so long that you no longer need to be conscious to know what to say and when.

 

[KTMom91]

You install a lock on the bathroom cupboard to keep your toothbrush and other items safe from disaster.

You have the various school numbers memorized, and know which ones you don't want to answer.

She drives the truck down the sidewalk, nearly flattens a guy on a motorcycle, and knocks down a stop sign that costs $600 to replace while she still has her permit. One her first day of driving "for real," she takes out the side of the truck while entering the school parking lot. Thanks so much, State of CA, for giving her the license.

There is no bedroom door on her room, because she tore it off the hinges and threw it at me.

There are numerous holes in her bedroom walls, which are painted in various colors, a true testimonial to her inability to complete things.

When Mom is on numerous medications, has chronic health issues, or is just plain exhausted.

 

[HaoZi]

When you text the school counselor that you're not impressed with the new medication before the day even starts, and she knows *exactly* what you mean.

 

[ThreeShadows]

KTMom, I know what you mean about the bathroom cabinet. difficult child 2 once told me he had used his twin's toothbrush to wash the toilet bowl and then put it back in the glass. He was really spiteful like that.