Your input on difficult child daughter coming home

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Scent of Cedar *, Dec 22, 2013.

  1. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    husband is going to get difficult child daughter on Friday. They should be back the following week. Currently, the plan is for her to recuperate here, maybe do some online tutoring for money (difficult child was a math/science teacher), attend NAMI Peer to Peer groups (while I do the Family to Family). We leave in April. We don't have an end date for her to be out on her own again. Honestly, we need to assess the amount of brain damage. There are some obvious deficits presently, but these will hopefully resolve in time. We will be applying for disability for her if she hasn't already done that through the Shelter.

    I don't even know what to tell you about the neighbor situation. They continued to keep contact through all this time. Really, they are great friends. Rather than look at this as a problem, or even, rather than look at this any way at all, I am just going to let go.

    difficult child is talking to the abusive male from jail on the telephone. husband was all "That's it!" But I am going to let that one ride, too.

    What I need to do next is learn about the shelters in this area. Just in case. And I think it would not hurt to talk to them too, so I will. We need to know how to get out of this if we have to. I think difficult child needs to know where the power lies, here ~ which would be with us. So, I had better get busy and lay claim to that. She is so darn manipulative....

    For myself, an emphasis on my own physical, psychological and emotional health. Which I also better get started on, because I have been so wiped over what has been happening that I have let those things slip. Not a good sign.

    What would you do, how would you look at this, what else do I need to know, please?

    Thanks, everyone. The closer the time comes, the less we want to take this on. While it could be that difficult child will recover beautifully, reclaim her life, and become independent could get so ugly, too.

    If she stays at the Shelter, she will have access to many kinds of help. I believe that kind of help will still be available to her next Spring up North. So really, we are looking at about a four month committment.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No words of wisdom, but sending good thoughts for your entire family.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are covering all of the bases and formulating a plan. Sending good thoughts and gentle hugs.
  4. Huff

    Huff Member

    My thoughts are with you. Please work on yourself and your health. I am on a better path now that I understand just how much life difficult child sucked out of me. Thanks to the great people on this board I realize it now and have a long way to go, a work in progress you might say. Just remember we are here for you.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Did she ask to come home Cedar? Is the shelter where she is now still an option? Where is she now? Who told you she has brain damage, were you able to talk to any doctors.? You might ask her for permission to see the medical records so you know what the truth is and what you're dealing with.

    I can only imagine the feelings you and husband are having now. Four months sounds like a long time.

    First and foremost I think you have to take very good care of yourselves. Both of you.

    difficult child daughter needs to get a reality check while in your home, the power balance has changed and I think you need to assert that immediately by giving her the run down of options should this not work out for YOU and husband. Good to have the shelter number and address available and talking to them before does sound like a great idea. Are you aware of what the eviction laws are in your state? Find out. She may know them and use them to her advantage, better you have all the facts just in case. Find out what it takes, where you go, all of the info on restraining orders..........not for her, for any of her "friends" that may come courtin' near YOUR home. Get all the facts you'll need at the ready.

    Before husband leaves, get absolutely clear what the deal breakers are, using drugs, drinking, bringing men in to your home, contacting the "bad men" doing anything that will make you and husband unhappy. This is not her vacation, this is your home, it is not her home, she is a guest.........and you want it to stay as peaceful and quiet as it is when she is not there. Get clear on what you expect of her, the NAMI class is wonderful, you might include 12 step groups too...........but also to treat you and husband with respect and outbursts, blame or BS directed at you.

    Don't give her any money or buy her anything that isn't absolutely necessary, hold on to your generosity for now, this is not the time to be showering her with gifts or making her stay easy in any way.............this is simply a 'time out' of her life to be able to get healthier. If you find that is not happening and she is just lollygagging around waiting for the next bit of excitement to enter............that is not what she is there for.

    My daughter's brief stay with me almost 2 years ago gave me an "opportunity" every single day to get clear on what I DID NOT WANT in my home...............every day I got better at setting boundaries, insisting on being treated better, calling her on all kinds of stuff I had formerly let slide (to my peril too) so stay centered with your husband and the two of you tell her how you really feel and what YOU want. Ultimately my difficult child left because we "had too many rules." The "rules" were all common sense and manners which would apply to anyone.

    If you can make it very very clear where you stand, what you want, what you don't want, all the boundaries stated and insisted upon...............she may not stay very long...........since one of the common traits of most of our difficult child's is that they abhor any kind of limit on their freedom...............what the rest of us assume to be simply courteous and respectful, they often experience as way too much control put on them. You and husband should resume your lives with as little inconvenience at all............ALL the inconvenience should be hers. She messed up. Not you.

    And, if she and your neighbor connect in any fashion which gives him access to her for some will likely end appropriately all on it's own without you having to do or say anything.

    Make all of your boundaries, wishes, expectations and desires absolutely clear and then enforce them.

    If you are surprised or scared, or in any way perturbed, do not reply immediately to your difficult child..........make a pact with husband that if any of that happens, the two of you will say, "Ill have to get back to you on that........" And go have a pow wow, or call a friend, or get on this board and yell are still 'in training' so you may let her get too far before you put the brakes on...............retreat and get help quick. We're changing our initial responses and it takes practice.......

    However this goes it will be the way it is supposed to go, whether she comes, stays, resists, manipulates, accuses, blames, resents, bullies, steals, lies, or whatever...............she will respond to you and the new BAD CEDAR. As long as you stay in your strength and stay the course, this will work out well for YOU. What your daughter does or doesn't do is entirely up to her. Gosh, I so wish you luck with're really going through your very own 'trial by fire' aren't you? Sending all kinds of good thoughts and big hugs...........
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2013
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I read this this morning and I thought of you Cedar with your "guest" coming soon..............

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.

    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.

    He may be cleaning you out
    For some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.

    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from the beyond.

  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I wanted to like recovering's post, but I could not find the like button. Your responses are both thoughtful and spot on.
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Cedar, I think Recovering's advice is spot-on in all respects. The only think I can think to add is, be sure that you look to your personal safety and the safety of your home before you let your difficult child anywhere near your house. She has been hanging out with some very unsavoury people. If she continues to do so, then it's possible she will bring those unsavoury elements right to your front door -- either intentionally or unintentionally.

    If your difficult child lets those dangerous people know where you live, what you have in your home, etc., you may become a target for break-ins, theft, home invasion...whatever.

    My feeling is that, if your difficult child has access to good services at the shelter, then it might be best for her to stay there. You and your husband need to do what you think is right and what you can live with. just my $0.02.

    In all of this, I'm thinking of you and keeping you all in my prayers. many gentle hugs,
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    As always, I feel stronger, calmer, more centered after sharing and listening to your responses. Thank you so much, to each of you. Recovering, the Rumi is perfect in every way, perfect for this evolution. While preparing ourselves to stand against the wrong things that may come, I have been thinking too about my own journey. I've been thinking about the things we discussed here about purpose and change. Yesterday, I watched Oprah's Super Soul Sunday. Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh was her guest. He spoke about suffering and deep listening and living mindfully. And it occurred to me that these are the tools I need, and need to learn. This was another one of those things, those strange coincidences. I was looking for something, but I didn't know what. I never watch Oprah, anymore...but I caught this one, somehow.

    Here are links to that program.

    Deep Listening

    Living Mindfully: This one is two hours long. I have only watched the first minutes.

  10. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I would hesitate to have her come home if she hasn't asked to come home. And if she has asked, I would do it with the understanding that she would need to be under a doctor's care; both physical and mental and limit the time she can stay. I think Disability is likely a very good idea. If she gets this income, she could still work PT and she has excellent skills to get good paying PT jobs. disability income is barely enough to survive, but combined with a good PT job, it is really do-able. Please take extra good care of yourself!!!!!!!
  11. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Also, consider adding extra security to your home if not already in place. A tough decision, but I'm sure you will consider it all and do what's best. Sending good thoughts and prayers.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Hi, Nomatic. :O)

    Those are good thoughts/questions. We have learned difficult child's medical coverage probably will not follow her, here. So, that's scary. difficult child and I were talking about that today. She heard from somewhere that the male's bail has been set at the full $10,000 ~ no 10% and you are free until trial for him, so they say. If that is true, perhaps she will stay at the Shelter long enough to have the remaining medical issues addressed. We don't want to sort of coast along with this though, and then find that he has been released. Talked with difficult child about applying for disability, too. She seems to think she is going to be just fine. One of the things she did yesterday was shovel snow. Today, the broken vertebra in back and neck are very painful. Also, she was questioning me today about symptoms of cerebrospinal fluid leak.

    So, we aren't out of the woods on medical issues, yet.

    It may be that difficult child will need to stay there for a little longer.

    Nomatic? Nice to see you, again.

  13. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Medical coverage is a big issue might call department of human services and get some info on Medicaid (here my medicaid can also be used in adjoining states) they might also have info on services for uninsured in your area.

    There was lots of good advise in the previous posts... set & enforce limits, lock up the valuables, pray - I honestly hope it all works out for you all.

    But I must admit my policy on house guests is same as leftover seafood ...
    anything past 3 days is just too long. Good luck and praying this works.

  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    difficult child was kicked out of the shelter yesterday (a two day suspension, really) for fighting.

    Color me scared.


    Interesting things: Though my heart dropped when I came home and husband told me difficult child had called and 1) been kicked out of the shelter for two days 2) was experiencing a drip of what is likely cerebrospial fluid, I was able to recover pretty quickly. As is usual for us when we get socked in the breadbasket, husband got all picky about me and what I should be doing. I mean in a whole, wide-ranging way. This is a pattern I have always seen. Now that Bad Cedar is here? It is a pattern which is immediately addressed. Poor husband. Nowhere to dump his own hostility, his own hurt and confusion. All is well, now. It was dicey, though.

    18 degrees below zero last night, in the City where difficult child daughter is now (unbelievably) homeless for two days. She told husband when she called that she was spending the night with a woman from the days when she was literally homeless, last summer. difficult child will go to her grandmother's for Christmas Eve, and will spend tonight there. I heard from her, this morning. I AM NEITHER ANGRY NOR WORRIED.

    It is what it is.

    I have not been able to fix the situation. I did try. :O) (They don't call me whatever it is that they call me for nothing!)

    The evening was a little uncomfortable. We both slept well, the morning has been very good.

    We have people coming for dinner, and an invitation for dinner, tomorrow.

    Reccovering, Witz, Janet, Echolette, MWM, helpangel, all of us, here on the site (Huff, you too ~ and JM)...wishing a beautiful Christmas filled with memories you will cherish for years to come. We all need to remind ourselves that we can create those moments, if we are determined.

    That is what I wish for us.

    I need to go cook, now.


    P.S. husband brought the cannoli home.

  15. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    You beat me to it Cedar; to you, Recovering Enabler, Janet and all who post at PE especially, wishing you a peaceful, happy, healthy, joyful Christmas, holiday season and New Year!
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Cedar: I'm having terrible problems maneuvering this site, especially from my iPad. Hopefully, it will iron out in due time and I might ask to out to put my name back to Nomad at some point. I can't seem to edit. Sorry to hear difficult child was kicked out of the shelter.

    Once again, we don't have our difficult child with us at Xmas this year. This is because she caused big turmoil and long story short, her Xmas trip with us was cancelled.

    Last year, I was hurting as I felt so very sorry for her. This year, I've grown to accept it. If she can't play by the rules, so be it.

    This is a difficult lesson not only for them, but for us.

    Despite the x$@$& noise, please enjoy your holiday! Cannoli sounds I'm Italian and just had a big Italian dinner for our family!

  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Nomad, did you make the Feast of the Seven Fishes? husband is Italian, too. He was born in Italy. This year, we made an Americanized version of the Feast of the Fishes. It was more Clam Fettucini with mussels and shrimp than the typical red sauce. (In years past, we managed to find twelve different kinds of fish for the red sauce. Everyone still hated it!) We did deep fried shrimp for third dish last night, but not the cold brocolli and garlic.

    No baccalla this year.

    Fresh from the bakery that morning, the canolli were delicious.

    We ate and laughed and talked from 5 p.m. to 9:30. It was a great Christmas Eve.

    What did your Italian Christmas Eve meal consist of, Nomad?

  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    hold that thought. The simplicity and grace of Thich Nhat Hanh, his inclusiveness, his approach to allowing suffering, have helped me find peace that I didn't think possible. I'm excited for you that you are encountering him. I think, having been reading your posts, that you will find a lot in his teachings that helps consolidate what you already know, or gives words to formless thoughts. This really makes me happy!
  19. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Yikes, color me scared too!!!! How awful. I honor your methodical approach to telling the story, that dark strike out of nowhere (seemingly) the scrambling and chaos and fallout, the attempst at creating some sort of structure, the cobbled together solutions/reactions. So familiar, so shared. So messy.

    My difficult child is still in jail. No one seems to miss him, although it is the first time he has missed Christmas. I cried yestarday after he called, in part because I can't seem to stop being angry at him, and therefore a little mean to him. MY SO and I had our first joint daughter was ecstatic, one teenage boy pleasantly neutral, one grumpy and complaining about "people we don't even know, Christmas is for family(this in reference to my SO's mom, 2 sisters, and daugher). Like you, invitations, obligations, family, friends, and in the middle some one who feels like they need constant supervision and yet that can't be done and won't happen.

    We did have laughs and light moments too. The kids said their stockings (which were simple) were the best ever. So we can create those memories in the midst of loss and grief and tears and chaos. Blessings on us all (in the most secular manner!)
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL MY PARTNERS ON P.E.! I hope your day is filled with LOVE and JOY and PEACE.


    Cedar, great job on your response to the latest difficult child drama. It sounds as if you are now able to put it aside and continue living your life, with joy and comfort too. We can adapt to even this. We humans are amazing.

    Echolette, Janet, Nomad, MWM, helpangel, Witz, Huff, Cedar and all who post on the P.E. forum, my wish for all of us is that we all hold acceptance and love in our hearts............that we find comfort in the detachment we feel, that our days are filled with new adventures, laughter, peace of mind and serenity...........I couldn't have walked this path without all of you...............thank you.............

    Have fun out there!!