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General Parenting
13 year old in psychiatric ward for first time
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 466925" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>It is so normal to grieve. My experience is that each time one of our difficult child's fails to reach a "milestone" in the typical way I tend to feel at least sad and have to be careful not to assume that they will never reach that milestone in a way that works for them. It is really hard to know exactly what to expect at this stage and it is entirely possible that some aspects of the current troubles will improve.</p><p></p><p>I think the most negative expectations on your list may be as unrealistic as something approaching what most people would call normal. I don't have a crystal ball but our difficult child 1 had many of the same issues you are describing in terms of academic failure, public masturbation, inappropriate affect (although he never killed animals that we know of), probable brain injury in utero due to in utero fractures. Reflecting back to his early adolescence when things began to go horribly wrong I think it would have been helpful for us to have someone say - you know, this isn't looking good and it would be a good idea for you to start thinking about this differently. He's not going to be "normal" and you need to adjust your expectations and meet him where he's at - which was not anywhere approaching "normal".</p><p></p><p>If we had been able to do that sooner we might have had a better outcome. But you never know.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult child 1 is 28 and he is happy with his life. We are amazed he is still alive and at his remarkable ability to land on his feet (so to speak) no matter what. I doubt most people would be happy in his place - homeless, so severely physically disabled he requires help with all tasks of daily living and in constant pain, drug and alcohol addicted, mentally ill, largely illiterate. His jaw is wired together right now after he broke it severely and it's uncertain if it will ever heal. He's had multiple broken arms and legs over the past 3 years including one memorable 4th of July when he turned up at ER with 2 broken legs, 1 broken arm, skull fracture and a raging infection that had his BiPolar (BP) 210/170 and his heart rate at 165. He was in ICU for 3 days and in long term acute care for 8 weeks.</p><p> </p><p>I imagine you will be surprised to hear me say that he is doing better than he was for a long time. He has managed to find an IHSS caregiver who has adopted him into her heart and has stuck with him no matter what difficult child 1 has put her through (thanks in large part to her own codependence but we are not looking that gift horse in the mouth). He has stopped using crystal meth for the most part which means he is almost human again. When he was on crystal meth he was completely psychotic and in terrible danger all the time from assault by other users. One or two of us go to see him every 3 or 4 months - he lives a couple hours drive away - and our visits are now largely pleasant, as long as they last just a few hours and we have something to do like the movies.</p><p></p><p>He is certainly doing better than he was at age 17 when he was attempting suicide on a frequent basis in our home, running away for days at a time thanks to his power wheelchair and threatening/attempting to hurt us and his much younger siblings almost continuously.</p><p></p><p>This is the context I bring to our conversation. </p><p></p><p>I try to find a way to hold hope/high expectations while doing my best to work with the present reality and prepare for the future that this present reality suggests is most likely with our difficult child 2. Don't know what else to do and I don't always know how to perform that tightrope walk. We are hearing Residential Treatment Center (RTC) from every single professional we are working with except one who I think is just too stubborn to give in. LOL Plus she knows that we have no $$ or resources to pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so isn't ready to push an option she knows will only be on the table if difficult child 2 gets violent to the point someone in the family is seriously hurt.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Not sure if any of that ramble was helpful but it's the best I have to offer. I know that your child and family are not ours but I don't think it would be right to tell you it's all going to be OK (OK meaning normal). </p><p></p><p>But maybe that's OK too - or will be eventually.</p><p></p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 466925, member: 11920"] It is so normal to grieve. My experience is that each time one of our difficult child's fails to reach a "milestone" in the typical way I tend to feel at least sad and have to be careful not to assume that they will never reach that milestone in a way that works for them. It is really hard to know exactly what to expect at this stage and it is entirely possible that some aspects of the current troubles will improve. I think the most negative expectations on your list may be as unrealistic as something approaching what most people would call normal. I don't have a crystal ball but our difficult child 1 had many of the same issues you are describing in terms of academic failure, public masturbation, inappropriate affect (although he never killed animals that we know of), probable brain injury in utero due to in utero fractures. Reflecting back to his early adolescence when things began to go horribly wrong I think it would have been helpful for us to have someone say - you know, this isn't looking good and it would be a good idea for you to start thinking about this differently. He's not going to be "normal" and you need to adjust your expectations and meet him where he's at - which was not anywhere approaching "normal". If we had been able to do that sooner we might have had a better outcome. But you never know. Our difficult child 1 is 28 and he is happy with his life. We are amazed he is still alive and at his remarkable ability to land on his feet (so to speak) no matter what. I doubt most people would be happy in his place - homeless, so severely physically disabled he requires help with all tasks of daily living and in constant pain, drug and alcohol addicted, mentally ill, largely illiterate. His jaw is wired together right now after he broke it severely and it's uncertain if it will ever heal. He's had multiple broken arms and legs over the past 3 years including one memorable 4th of July when he turned up at ER with 2 broken legs, 1 broken arm, skull fracture and a raging infection that had his BiPolar (BP) 210/170 and his heart rate at 165. He was in ICU for 3 days and in long term acute care for 8 weeks. I imagine you will be surprised to hear me say that he is doing better than he was for a long time. He has managed to find an IHSS caregiver who has adopted him into her heart and has stuck with him no matter what difficult child 1 has put her through (thanks in large part to her own codependence but we are not looking that gift horse in the mouth). He has stopped using crystal meth for the most part which means he is almost human again. When he was on crystal meth he was completely psychotic and in terrible danger all the time from assault by other users. One or two of us go to see him every 3 or 4 months - he lives a couple hours drive away - and our visits are now largely pleasant, as long as they last just a few hours and we have something to do like the movies. He is certainly doing better than he was at age 17 when he was attempting suicide on a frequent basis in our home, running away for days at a time thanks to his power wheelchair and threatening/attempting to hurt us and his much younger siblings almost continuously. This is the context I bring to our conversation. I try to find a way to hold hope/high expectations while doing my best to work with the present reality and prepare for the future that this present reality suggests is most likely with our difficult child 2. Don't know what else to do and I don't always know how to perform that tightrope walk. We are hearing Residential Treatment Center (RTC) from every single professional we are working with except one who I think is just too stubborn to give in. LOL Plus she knows that we have no $$ or resources to pay for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) so isn't ready to push an option she knows will only be on the table if difficult child 2 gets violent to the point someone in the family is seriously hurt. Not sure if any of that ramble was helpful but it's the best I have to offer. I know that your child and family are not ours but I don't think it would be right to tell you it's all going to be OK (OK meaning normal). But maybe that's OK too - or will be eventually. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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