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14 years old and this is normal behavior..NOT
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 315278" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>If it's not working, chuck it. If consequences make no difference, if nagging achieves nothing but your frustration - stop. It's bettter to never engage in a confrontation, than to engage - and lose.</p><p></p><p>A kid who is that stubborn, has the innate capacity for self-discipline. The trick is, getting there from here. But YOU can't do it for him; he has to do this. All you can do, is support instead of trying to coerce. </p><p></p><p>He's like a stubborn mule who digs his hooves in when you try to pull on the reins in a particulardirection. But if you slack off the reins a bit, chances are he'll be willing to go wherever you want him to, especially if that's where his curiosity lies. And if he wanders in a different direction - well, he's got to end up in the kitchen some time. He's 14, and they eat A LOT!</p><p></p><p>One thing I've learned about teen males - when they get hungry, you'd better have food available fast or they can get really cranky and unreasonable. I think it's a blood sugar thing, it does show up in different ways. </p><p></p><p>You ned a key to get in to him. Being the food provider can be a really good key. Not that I'm suggesting you withhold food from him. Of course not. But there is a difference between providing food to survive on, and food he really likes. Of course it needs to be healthy too (always) but you DO have a lot more leverge than you think. Don't withdraw as punishment, but provide as reward. Also, if he earns a reward, do not withdraw it once earned if behaviour subsequently is bad.</p><p></p><p>The banging into stuff, trashing the place - sometimes it's deliberte, sometimes its thoughtless, sometimes it's clumy kid who doesn't know his own limits, sometimes it's a hyperactive kid who just can't keep still and stop form fidgetting.</p><p></p><p>A good friend of mine raised a boy like this. Not strictly a difficult child but he definitely had his problems. Accident-prone, definitely. And he would break things, constantly. Her leadlight front door - he slammed it. Or actually, his sister slammed it on him, just as he put his hand out to stop the door from slamming. Very expensive. Sister - VERY much a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, he survived to adulthood (mum didn't kill him despite considerable temptation) and now has a great job (a bit unusual, but right down his alley) which pays brilliantly. He's almost 30 now, just got married. He still fiddles with things but he knows what he's doing now. If he breaks it, he knows how to fix it. He learned how to use tools and helped fix his mother's front door.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 slammed a door at his grandma's and broke a pane of glass. husband made him help fix it. Not a punishment, but a consequence. We waited a weeke or so, but then difficult child 3 had to fetch a piece of paper and pencil and help his dad measure te space. Dad explained what has to be done in terms of how you replace a small pane of glass. They worked out where you order the glass from. Took a piece of the glass to match the original (it was patterned and coloured). You get the idea. And whenever difficult child 3 said, "I'm not doing this!" we asked him, "Then who is? Grandma? SHE didn't break the glass. And she's not really able to do this for herself. Your dad? He didn't break the glass either. And anyway, how do you think Dad knows how to do this, eh?"</p><p></p><p>We got a grin from difficult child 3 (because he realised Dad was once a little difficult child too) and togehter they got on with the job.</p><p></p><p>This is another thing that often works for us - together. If I help difficult child 3 with a job, then I expect him to also work alongside me to help me with a job. I began doing this with jobs I knew he would quite like (such as picking snow peas - except no peas get into the house, he eats them all) more for the lesson in cooperation than anything else.</p><p></p><p>You may feel like te chattel of the house, the drudge, the slave to the male appetite. But think about the power you really do have. If not for you, what happens? How do people get fed? What about washing? What about all sorts of things? If you're busy/preoccupied/uunavailable, what's the first thing to go wrong around the place? It will be different for different people, but you control far more than maybe you realise.</p><p></p><p>Make it obvious to your son. You will not be doing him any favours by shielding him from the knowledge of all you do for him. And maybe he needs to learn the hard way. "Son, I've got to go out to buy stuff to replace the things you broke. It will take me some time. There's food in the fridge - cold cooked sausages, some tomatoes and lettuce. Fix yourself a salad and a sausage or two for lunch when you're hungry, I'll be home just in time for dinner."</p><p>He has to cope, or go hungry. OK, he might eat the sausage cold (it's OK, it can be heated up too if he wants). he might be inventive and wrap a heated sausage in a slice of bread and slice up the tomato and shred some lettuce. Or he might make a sandwich with slice sausage, tomato and lettuce. But chances are he'll grab a couple of cold sausages from the feridge and eat them standing there at the door, maybe grab a tomato and eat it like an apple, then walk away feeling like he's not had his lunch. But he WILL have eaten and his body will know. And maybe next time he will pay a bit more attention.</p><p></p><p>As long as the calories go in, it doesn't matter to his stomach how they were prettied up first.</p><p></p><p>You need to be more unavailable. He needs to be doing more for himself. If he doesn't put his washing into the laundry, then it stays dirty. If he stays dirty, his friends or teachers will comment. If they comment to you, tell them he has to learn and this is the only way. What I do - I did it last night. "I'm putting on a load of washing. WHat do you want washed? Bring it to me!"</p><p>difficult child 3, who didn't want to stir himself, said, "I'm fine."</p><p>I said, "I haven't had any undies from you in a week. And you played tennis in those clothes this afternoon, your coach gave you a thorough gallop around the court and you've sweated in them. Strip. Now. Or wait a week and need to deodorise your own clothes."</p><p></p><p>He knows what that means - he has to stand in the laundry and spray his clothes with vinegar from a spray bottle, then put them in the tub.</p><p></p><p>Now, if I can only get him to have a bath...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 315278, member: 1991"] If it's not working, chuck it. If consequences make no difference, if nagging achieves nothing but your frustration - stop. It's bettter to never engage in a confrontation, than to engage - and lose. A kid who is that stubborn, has the innate capacity for self-discipline. The trick is, getting there from here. But YOU can't do it for him; he has to do this. All you can do, is support instead of trying to coerce. He's like a stubborn mule who digs his hooves in when you try to pull on the reins in a particulardirection. But if you slack off the reins a bit, chances are he'll be willing to go wherever you want him to, especially if that's where his curiosity lies. And if he wanders in a different direction - well, he's got to end up in the kitchen some time. He's 14, and they eat A LOT! One thing I've learned about teen males - when they get hungry, you'd better have food available fast or they can get really cranky and unreasonable. I think it's a blood sugar thing, it does show up in different ways. You ned a key to get in to him. Being the food provider can be a really good key. Not that I'm suggesting you withhold food from him. Of course not. But there is a difference between providing food to survive on, and food he really likes. Of course it needs to be healthy too (always) but you DO have a lot more leverge than you think. Don't withdraw as punishment, but provide as reward. Also, if he earns a reward, do not withdraw it once earned if behaviour subsequently is bad. The banging into stuff, trashing the place - sometimes it's deliberte, sometimes its thoughtless, sometimes it's clumy kid who doesn't know his own limits, sometimes it's a hyperactive kid who just can't keep still and stop form fidgetting. A good friend of mine raised a boy like this. Not strictly a difficult child but he definitely had his problems. Accident-prone, definitely. And he would break things, constantly. Her leadlight front door - he slammed it. Or actually, his sister slammed it on him, just as he put his hand out to stop the door from slamming. Very expensive. Sister - VERY much a difficult child. The thing is, he survived to adulthood (mum didn't kill him despite considerable temptation) and now has a great job (a bit unusual, but right down his alley) which pays brilliantly. He's almost 30 now, just got married. He still fiddles with things but he knows what he's doing now. If he breaks it, he knows how to fix it. He learned how to use tools and helped fix his mother's front door. difficult child 3 slammed a door at his grandma's and broke a pane of glass. husband made him help fix it. Not a punishment, but a consequence. We waited a weeke or so, but then difficult child 3 had to fetch a piece of paper and pencil and help his dad measure te space. Dad explained what has to be done in terms of how you replace a small pane of glass. They worked out where you order the glass from. Took a piece of the glass to match the original (it was patterned and coloured). You get the idea. And whenever difficult child 3 said, "I'm not doing this!" we asked him, "Then who is? Grandma? SHE didn't break the glass. And she's not really able to do this for herself. Your dad? He didn't break the glass either. And anyway, how do you think Dad knows how to do this, eh?" We got a grin from difficult child 3 (because he realised Dad was once a little difficult child too) and togehter they got on with the job. This is another thing that often works for us - together. If I help difficult child 3 with a job, then I expect him to also work alongside me to help me with a job. I began doing this with jobs I knew he would quite like (such as picking snow peas - except no peas get into the house, he eats them all) more for the lesson in cooperation than anything else. You may feel like te chattel of the house, the drudge, the slave to the male appetite. But think about the power you really do have. If not for you, what happens? How do people get fed? What about washing? What about all sorts of things? If you're busy/preoccupied/uunavailable, what's the first thing to go wrong around the place? It will be different for different people, but you control far more than maybe you realise. Make it obvious to your son. You will not be doing him any favours by shielding him from the knowledge of all you do for him. And maybe he needs to learn the hard way. "Son, I've got to go out to buy stuff to replace the things you broke. It will take me some time. There's food in the fridge - cold cooked sausages, some tomatoes and lettuce. Fix yourself a salad and a sausage or two for lunch when you're hungry, I'll be home just in time for dinner." He has to cope, or go hungry. OK, he might eat the sausage cold (it's OK, it can be heated up too if he wants). he might be inventive and wrap a heated sausage in a slice of bread and slice up the tomato and shred some lettuce. Or he might make a sandwich with slice sausage, tomato and lettuce. But chances are he'll grab a couple of cold sausages from the feridge and eat them standing there at the door, maybe grab a tomato and eat it like an apple, then walk away feeling like he's not had his lunch. But he WILL have eaten and his body will know. And maybe next time he will pay a bit more attention. As long as the calories go in, it doesn't matter to his stomach how they were prettied up first. You need to be more unavailable. He needs to be doing more for himself. If he doesn't put his washing into the laundry, then it stays dirty. If he stays dirty, his friends or teachers will comment. If they comment to you, tell them he has to learn and this is the only way. What I do - I did it last night. "I'm putting on a load of washing. WHat do you want washed? Bring it to me!" difficult child 3, who didn't want to stir himself, said, "I'm fine." I said, "I haven't had any undies from you in a week. And you played tennis in those clothes this afternoon, your coach gave you a thorough gallop around the court and you've sweated in them. Strip. Now. Or wait a week and need to deodorise your own clothes." He knows what that means - he has to stand in the laundry and spray his clothes with vinegar from a spray bottle, then put them in the tub. Now, if I can only get him to have a bath... Marg [/QUOTE]
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