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15yo no control
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741373" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Many of us here are shell-shocked. Like you we tried everything. And not one thing made a difference. The thing is, it is not about you. That is what our learning is. But the problem is that we feel all of the consequences of failing to resolve this, failing to keep them safe, fear of losing them. We suffer the consequences and yet there is not one thing we can do except what the others have said: let go. Offer support but not protecting them from their own choices, their own lives. Which feels impossible to us.</p><p></p><p>I have been singularly ineffective at this. We are not jailers. They will find a way to do what they wish. When I read this my idea was this: (I am a one trick pony. I always write this.) He can go to Job Corps at 16. It is free. They are supervised. It is a job training program. He can finish High School there. It is residential.</p><p></p><p>The thing he must face is this: if he continues to act out in a way that puts him at risk, while he is in your home, and you are responsible, he cannot continue this way.</p><p></p><p>But.This puts us at war with them. And they will always win.</p><p></p><p>Some parents basically give up and let them win. Other parents fight the war. Other parents force the kids out to semi independence, as soon as they are 18. But the thing is, these kids will prevail. This is the thing to remember. They will battle until they stop. To their own peril.</p><p></p><p>The thing to remember is that they are trying to grow up. They are just doing it wrong. For some of our kids, they will eventually succeed. For others, who have disabilities or real wounds, it is harder. I fear for my son and I.</p><p></p><p>Our learning is to find a way to protect ourselves and our hearts and somehow preserve a modicum of self-respect in the process. The horribleness of this is that it triggers all of our own deeply buried struggles and pains. Everything from all the rest of your life past will rear its head. This path becomes a veritable spiritual battle, in my own experience.</p><p>This is the heart-wrenching part. To us, and inside them, they are still these people. My son (who is now 30 and homeless) texted me a month ago (now he won't have anything at all to do with me): <em>Don't you love me anymore?</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I wish this was easier. I wish it WAS NOT HAPPENING. I hope you stay with us. Posting helps. A lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741373, member: 18958"] Many of us here are shell-shocked. Like you we tried everything. And not one thing made a difference. The thing is, it is not about you. That is what our learning is. But the problem is that we feel all of the consequences of failing to resolve this, failing to keep them safe, fear of losing them. We suffer the consequences and yet there is not one thing we can do except what the others have said: let go. Offer support but not protecting them from their own choices, their own lives. Which feels impossible to us. I have been singularly ineffective at this. We are not jailers. They will find a way to do what they wish. When I read this my idea was this: (I am a one trick pony. I always write this.) He can go to Job Corps at 16. It is free. They are supervised. It is a job training program. He can finish High School there. It is residential. The thing he must face is this: if he continues to act out in a way that puts him at risk, while he is in your home, and you are responsible, he cannot continue this way. But.This puts us at war with them. And they will always win. Some parents basically give up and let them win. Other parents fight the war. Other parents force the kids out to semi independence, as soon as they are 18. But the thing is, these kids will prevail. This is the thing to remember. They will battle until they stop. To their own peril. The thing to remember is that they are trying to grow up. They are just doing it wrong. For some of our kids, they will eventually succeed. For others, who have disabilities or real wounds, it is harder. I fear for my son and I. Our learning is to find a way to protect ourselves and our hearts and somehow preserve a modicum of self-respect in the process. The horribleness of this is that it triggers all of our own deeply buried struggles and pains. Everything from all the rest of your life past will rear its head. This path becomes a veritable spiritual battle, in my own experience. This is the heart-wrenching part. To us, and inside them, they are still these people. My son (who is now 30 and homeless) texted me a month ago (now he won't have anything at all to do with me): [I]Don't you love me anymore? [/I] I wish this was easier. I wish it WAS NOT HAPPENING. I hope you stay with us. Posting helps. A lot. [/QUOTE]
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