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16 year old son problems... :(
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 644083" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Jenn, you can't control your son. You have 0% control over him. What you can control is what you will tolerate in your house. Your house/your rules. Hypothetical example: You don't want him using somebody else's cell phone in your house. It's morally wrong, in your opinion. He HAS to hand it to you before coming inside and you go to the police so the rightful owner, who is probably going crazy, can get it back. Most likely, he stole it. You can't drive all over like a crazy woman <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite7" alt=":p" title="Stick Out Tongue :p" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":p" /> tracking him down and arm wrestle the phone from him, but you can certainly decide, if you are so inclined, that he can not bring it in your home. These are the sort of boundaries I had to set with my son, when he was in high school, and my daughter when she was using drugs. Both of them eventually, at age eighteen and nineteen respectively, broke the house rules to the point that they had to leave. Yet they are both functioning well now, especially my daughter, and are not failure-to-launch. I have a close relationship; with both...they have no hard feelings.</p><p></p><p>Now at sixteen, at least in the U.S., we still have to house them. So when I found out my daughter was doing something illegal, which are against my house rules, the money was cut off. Period. She got a part-time job, which was a good thing, although I'm sure she spent some of her paycheck on drugs. At least if she was buying drugs, it was not MY money she was using to kill herself. She also bought her own clothes and other things. She had to pay her part of the car insurance an d her gas money until she got into a bad accident and totaled our car. That was the end of her using our car. She had taken it on a road trip to another state while making us sick with worry because she had told us she was just picking up a nearby friend to bring home for a sleepover. The car was never able to be used again. That was the end of that.</p><p></p><p>Our house had simple rules that my "typical" kids had no trouble following at all:</p><p></p><p>1. We are reasonably respectful to one another.</p><p>2. We don't do anything illegal.</p><p>3. We go to school.</p><p>4. We call home if we are going to be late or stay overnight somewhere.</p><p>5. We do some chores if asked. If we are eighteen or older and not in college we get a full time job and pay nominal rent.</p><p></p><p>This is about it and two of my kids could not follow those rules. The other two easily did. Most kids do. If that can not do that much, then they can try to live on their own and make their own rules. But I'm big on my house is my castle. No, I wasn't always like this. I thought my kids came first, last and in-between. I lived my life for my kids. I did not work. I was a part-time worker, working only when Dad was home so no daycare, and I also was a stay-at-home-mom. I drove my kids and the neighborhood kids to baseball practice, dance class, everywhere. Any friends I had were associated with my kids. I had no identity other than "His Mom" or "Her Mom." What a disaster, especially for my oldest child who got the brunt of my overidentification with him and crowding him.</p><p></p><p>I have since learned a lot. I am now a happy empty nester who gets along well with my grown kids and who has a life and things I do that fulfil me so that I don't have to dwell on the good and bad lessons my grown kids are learning. I did not even realize I had an identity until I started going to Al-Anon. God bless Al-Anon.</p><p></p><p>That cell phone did not just happen to appear where your son was walking. He wanted a cell phone. He found one. He took it. It is totally up to you what you want to do about it or even if you want to believe he stole it and, of course, it IS possible his story is true...but it's still not his phone.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck on this journey we have all walked here...or are still walking. It is not easy to have a difficult child. It challenges us to find different ways of reacting to them so that we can live a good life ourselves and stay in control or our emotions rather than getting so stressed out that we become ill. It challenges us to learn how to love ourselves enough to take of us, just like we would love to take care of our adult child, if the child would allow it. We can't do that, but we CAN be kind to ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 644083, member: 1550"] Jenn, you can't control your son. You have 0% control over him. What you can control is what you will tolerate in your house. Your house/your rules. Hypothetical example: You don't want him using somebody else's cell phone in your house. It's morally wrong, in your opinion. He HAS to hand it to you before coming inside and you go to the police so the rightful owner, who is probably going crazy, can get it back. Most likely, he stole it. You can't drive all over like a crazy woman :p tracking him down and arm wrestle the phone from him, but you can certainly decide, if you are so inclined, that he can not bring it in your home. These are the sort of boundaries I had to set with my son, when he was in high school, and my daughter when she was using drugs. Both of them eventually, at age eighteen and nineteen respectively, broke the house rules to the point that they had to leave. Yet they are both functioning well now, especially my daughter, and are not failure-to-launch. I have a close relationship; with both...they have no hard feelings. Now at sixteen, at least in the U.S., we still have to house them. So when I found out my daughter was doing something illegal, which are against my house rules, the money was cut off. Period. She got a part-time job, which was a good thing, although I'm sure she spent some of her paycheck on drugs. At least if she was buying drugs, it was not MY money she was using to kill herself. She also bought her own clothes and other things. She had to pay her part of the car insurance an d her gas money until she got into a bad accident and totaled our car. That was the end of her using our car. She had taken it on a road trip to another state while making us sick with worry because she had told us she was just picking up a nearby friend to bring home for a sleepover. The car was never able to be used again. That was the end of that. Our house had simple rules that my "typical" kids had no trouble following at all: 1. We are reasonably respectful to one another. 2. We don't do anything illegal. 3. We go to school. 4. We call home if we are going to be late or stay overnight somewhere. 5. We do some chores if asked. If we are eighteen or older and not in college we get a full time job and pay nominal rent. This is about it and two of my kids could not follow those rules. The other two easily did. Most kids do. If that can not do that much, then they can try to live on their own and make their own rules. But I'm big on my house is my castle. No, I wasn't always like this. I thought my kids came first, last and in-between. I lived my life for my kids. I did not work. I was a part-time worker, working only when Dad was home so no daycare, and I also was a stay-at-home-mom. I drove my kids and the neighborhood kids to baseball practice, dance class, everywhere. Any friends I had were associated with my kids. I had no identity other than "His Mom" or "Her Mom." What a disaster, especially for my oldest child who got the brunt of my overidentification with him and crowding him. I have since learned a lot. I am now a happy empty nester who gets along well with my grown kids and who has a life and things I do that fulfil me so that I don't have to dwell on the good and bad lessons my grown kids are learning. I did not even realize I had an identity until I started going to Al-Anon. God bless Al-Anon. That cell phone did not just happen to appear where your son was walking. He wanted a cell phone. He found one. He took it. It is totally up to you what you want to do about it or even if you want to believe he stole it and, of course, it IS possible his story is true...but it's still not his phone. I wish you luck on this journey we have all walked here...or are still walking. It is not easy to have a difficult child. It challenges us to find different ways of reacting to them so that we can live a good life ourselves and stay in control or our emotions rather than getting so stressed out that we become ill. It challenges us to learn how to love ourselves enough to take of us, just like we would love to take care of our adult child, if the child would allow it. We can't do that, but we CAN be kind to ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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