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Substance Abuse
17 yr old son doing drugs, hanging w members of a gang in NY
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 675671" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>To a point, Defiant. My grandparents and most of their siblings, (more than a dozen on each side) left their parents very young. My grandmother never again saw her parents after she was 11, sent to St. Petersburg as an indentured servant. The siblings then immigrated to Canada and then the United States.</p><p></p><p>I think our idea of "childhood" and parental care has become greatly expanded having little to do with the good of either children or parents. Having more to do, perhaps, of the changing needs of the work force, or for highly trained workers. Without the benefits of extended family. All concentrated in our more or less isolated nuclear families.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing with my own son, that the more I pull back, the more he seeks me. Not to do things anymore, but to stay connected. He asks for my advice, he tells me what he is doing.</p><p></p><p>To guide and protect. Were we at all successful in doing either after a certain point? I think my authority and control are far, far back in the rear view mirror. I would say more than a dozen years (my son is 27). It is accepting, I think, what became the reality many years ago. In my case.</p><p></p><p>Your son seems powerful and sure of himself. He is mocking, it seems, any guidance or protecting you try to give. This undermines any positive influence you try to exert.</p><p></p><p>To say, fine. You are an adult. We acknowledge that. You are self-supporting and autonomous. This is a way to assume, again, your proper role. Moral authority. Experience. Loving and wanting him to thrive. To be a good man. A mensch. But letting him do it.</p><p></p><p>You are the North Star. What greater source of influence can there be? </p><p></p><p>He is pushing back against what he sees as control. Once the control stops. The love and the respect will resurface. That will be the basis of your authority with him.</p><p></p><p>All kinds of people crash and burn in their lives. None of us want that for ourselves or for our children. But parents never, ever prevented the ruin of an adult. Never, ever. That is what we are having a hard time grasping. I was among the worst.</p><p></p><p>My nadir arrived when I enrolled in the same online college courses as my 26 year old son. To see that he completed his homework. I had humiliated myself. (Except I could have cared less. I was desperate.) That was when I found this site.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 675671, member: 18958"] To a point, Defiant. My grandparents and most of their siblings, (more than a dozen on each side) left their parents very young. My grandmother never again saw her parents after she was 11, sent to St. Petersburg as an indentured servant. The siblings then immigrated to Canada and then the United States. I think our idea of "childhood" and parental care has become greatly expanded having little to do with the good of either children or parents. Having more to do, perhaps, of the changing needs of the work force, or for highly trained workers. Without the benefits of extended family. All concentrated in our more or less isolated nuclear families. I am seeing with my own son, that the more I pull back, the more he seeks me. Not to do things anymore, but to stay connected. He asks for my advice, he tells me what he is doing. To guide and protect. Were we at all successful in doing either after a certain point? I think my authority and control are far, far back in the rear view mirror. I would say more than a dozen years (my son is 27). It is accepting, I think, what became the reality many years ago. In my case. Your son seems powerful and sure of himself. He is mocking, it seems, any guidance or protecting you try to give. This undermines any positive influence you try to exert. To say, fine. You are an adult. We acknowledge that. You are self-supporting and autonomous. This is a way to assume, again, your proper role. Moral authority. Experience. Loving and wanting him to thrive. To be a good man. A mensch. But letting him do it. You are the North Star. What greater source of influence can there be? He is pushing back against what he sees as control. Once the control stops. The love and the respect will resurface. That will be the basis of your authority with him. All kinds of people crash and burn in their lives. None of us want that for ourselves or for our children. But parents never, ever prevented the ruin of an adult. Never, ever. That is what we are having a hard time grasping. I was among the worst. My nadir arrived when I enrolled in the same online college courses as my 26 year old son. To see that he completed his homework. I had humiliated myself. (Except I could have cared less. I was desperate.) That was when I found this site. COPA [/QUOTE]
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17 yr old son doing drugs, hanging w members of a gang in NY
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