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1st Post - (Hi!) Have Been Struggling with Tough Love
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 653112" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Hi firedancer...I like your name.</p><p></p><p>PLease read that detachment article, then read it again. Your son is in a bad way, and he is continuously making choices that make it worse. What will be different if you let him move to your house again ? (I"m not going to call it home, because it is not his home. It is YOUR home, and he makes it feel unsafe and stressful for you and for your other children.)</p><p></p><p>I am strongest when I remember that my other kids have rights and hopes and dreams too, including the right (I think) to a safe home, emotionally and physically. No one has a right to take that away from them to suit their own needs, that I am sure of. I have more than one friend whose Difficult Child seriously damaged the lives of the other kids, impacting their social lives, their sense of security, their ability to have loving relationships, and their ability to relate to their parents (us). </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, the Difficult Child's of this world don't have the right to do that to us all.</p><p></p><p>YOu may remember that Weary Mom's daughter was in fact homeless for a month before she saw the light, if in fact she has seen it and isn't poised to break her mama's heart (sorry, Weary Mom!). COM's son (another one who looks like he may have turned a corner of some sort, although he may still be in a maze) was also homeless for a while. Both moms stopped stepping in to fix everything, at least for a while. They learned about boundaries, about setting rules EVEN WHEN THINGS ARE NOT IN CRISIS. We all know how to call 911, lock the door, issue ultimatums when things are awful. What is longer to learn is the setting of boundaries for every day...the recognition that your life has value, your needs and choices have value equal to his, your other kids have value. </p><p></p><p>You offered him some options, with clear parameters. He has chosen not to avail himself of them. He doesn't need a job that will make you proud...he just needs a job. Dishwashing is good for kids like ours. Construction lots need helpers (although there are a lot of drugs there). </p><p></p><p>Too hard to find a job in this economy with no skills? You also asked him to get counselling. </p><p></p><p>It is easier for him to beg you (oh, and threaten you and call you names) than it is for him to stand up LIKE THE MAN HE IS and do what has to be done to take care of himself.</p><p></p><p>As Cedar often points out...men his age are putting their lives on the line to protect us, every day. They are in the military, they are police officers, they are fireman. Where does he get off whining?</p><p></p><p>As MWM points out...the mentally ill need to take responsibility for managing their illness, be it depression, bipolar disorder, what have you. She does it. I do it (I am bipolar...there! I said it!). </p><p></p><p>He will not be OK till he learns that he needs to be OK to himself. You do him no favors as a mom to engage in the charade of pretending otherwise.</p><p></p><p>Happily it is warm out now, or warm enough soon. Being homeless isn't so bad in spring. If it helps you, find the name of a shelter, a food bank, a job readiness program (JEVS is a common one). Give them to him, tell him you love him, you have faith in his ability to work things out...and send him on his way.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 653112, member: 17269"] Hi firedancer...I like your name. PLease read that detachment article, then read it again. Your son is in a bad way, and he is continuously making choices that make it worse. What will be different if you let him move to your house again ? (I"m not going to call it home, because it is not his home. It is YOUR home, and he makes it feel unsafe and stressful for you and for your other children.) I am strongest when I remember that my other kids have rights and hopes and dreams too, including the right (I think) to a safe home, emotionally and physically. No one has a right to take that away from them to suit their own needs, that I am sure of. I have more than one friend whose Difficult Child seriously damaged the lives of the other kids, impacting their social lives, their sense of security, their ability to have loving relationships, and their ability to relate to their parents (us). I'm sorry, the Difficult Child's of this world don't have the right to do that to us all. YOu may remember that Weary Mom's daughter was in fact homeless for a month before she saw the light, if in fact she has seen it and isn't poised to break her mama's heart (sorry, Weary Mom!). COM's son (another one who looks like he may have turned a corner of some sort, although he may still be in a maze) was also homeless for a while. Both moms stopped stepping in to fix everything, at least for a while. They learned about boundaries, about setting rules EVEN WHEN THINGS ARE NOT IN CRISIS. We all know how to call 911, lock the door, issue ultimatums when things are awful. What is longer to learn is the setting of boundaries for every day...the recognition that your life has value, your needs and choices have value equal to his, your other kids have value. You offered him some options, with clear parameters. He has chosen not to avail himself of them. He doesn't need a job that will make you proud...he just needs a job. Dishwashing is good for kids like ours. Construction lots need helpers (although there are a lot of drugs there). Too hard to find a job in this economy with no skills? You also asked him to get counselling. It is easier for him to beg you (oh, and threaten you and call you names) than it is for him to stand up LIKE THE MAN HE IS and do what has to be done to take care of himself. As Cedar often points out...men his age are putting their lives on the line to protect us, every day. They are in the military, they are police officers, they are fireman. Where does he get off whining? As MWM points out...the mentally ill need to take responsibility for managing their illness, be it depression, bipolar disorder, what have you. She does it. I do it (I am bipolar...there! I said it!). He will not be OK till he learns that he needs to be OK to himself. You do him no favors as a mom to engage in the charade of pretending otherwise. Happily it is warm out now, or warm enough soon. Being homeless isn't so bad in spring. If it helps you, find the name of a shelter, a food bank, a job readiness program (JEVS is a common one). Give them to him, tell him you love him, you have faith in his ability to work things out...and send him on his way. Hugs, Echo [/QUOTE]
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