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Parent Emeritus
20 yo still at home, no job - desperate mother!
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 703917" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi Hilli, welcome.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you're struggling with how to deal with your son, we parents suffer considerably when our kids go off the rails for whatever reason.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps you might put your list in writing, like a contract, go over each issue separately and when you have negotiated it to your satisfaction, ask him to sign it. Then you have a document stating what you expect which you can point to if/when he balks on any of it. It is an agreement between the two of you and if he cannot keep his end of the agreement there must be consequences. </p><p></p><p>I agree with Tanya that those consequences should be ironed out right away. Consequences for our behavior is a fact of life for all of us, you do him no favor by allowing him to get away with anything. If you make these rules, you must reconcile with yourself that you will follow through with each and every consequence, or your word will end up meaning nothing to him. Including not doing his chores without you having to nag him to do it. He is not 13, he is a grown man. Men his age are carrying guns and risking their lives in wars......many mothers here remind themselves of that, so they can see the reality of the situation more clearly.</p><p></p><p>You also have a right to forbid him to smoke pot in your home if that is an issue for you.</p><p></p><p>Our kids force us to become very, very clear on what we are willing to to and what we are not willing to do. With typical kids this is rarely an issue, but for us, we have to become experts in boundaries or else be dragged down the rabbit hole with them. Ask yourself that question, what exactly are YOU willing to do and what exactly are you NOT willing to do. Tell yourself the truth, this is about YOU too, you matter, your needs and wishes matter, make the negotiation about what YOU want. It is your home. He stole from you. He lied to you. You are doing him a favor by even considering any of this. Remember that.</p><p></p><p>The article you are referring to on detachment can be found at the bottom of my post here. You might read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beatty, it is helpful. </p><p></p><p>It is usually imperative that we parents seek out some kind of professional support, a therapist, counselor or parent group. Many parents find solace and support through the 12 step groups, Al Anon, CoDa, Families anonymous or Narc Anon. We have to learn how to parent very differently, and most of us need support to figure out how to do that. There is a vast difference between enabling and loving kindness and it takes us quite awhile to figure out the difference and to learn to NOT enable. </p><p></p><p>You're on the right track. This is a process, it is not linear, it goes up and down and sideways until we get our footing and land on level ground. Get yourself support and keep posting, it helps. Hang in there, this is hard stuff. You're not alone, we all know how you feel. I'm glad you're here........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 703917, member: 13542"] Hi Hilli, welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with how to deal with your son, we parents suffer considerably when our kids go off the rails for whatever reason. Perhaps you might put your list in writing, like a contract, go over each issue separately and when you have negotiated it to your satisfaction, ask him to sign it. Then you have a document stating what you expect which you can point to if/when he balks on any of it. It is an agreement between the two of you and if he cannot keep his end of the agreement there must be consequences. I agree with Tanya that those consequences should be ironed out right away. Consequences for our behavior is a fact of life for all of us, you do him no favor by allowing him to get away with anything. If you make these rules, you must reconcile with yourself that you will follow through with each and every consequence, or your word will end up meaning nothing to him. Including not doing his chores without you having to nag him to do it. He is not 13, he is a grown man. Men his age are carrying guns and risking their lives in wars......many mothers here remind themselves of that, so they can see the reality of the situation more clearly. You also have a right to forbid him to smoke pot in your home if that is an issue for you. Our kids force us to become very, very clear on what we are willing to to and what we are not willing to do. With typical kids this is rarely an issue, but for us, we have to become experts in boundaries or else be dragged down the rabbit hole with them. Ask yourself that question, what exactly are YOU willing to do and what exactly are you NOT willing to do. Tell yourself the truth, this is about YOU too, you matter, your needs and wishes matter, make the negotiation about what YOU want. It is your home. He stole from you. He lied to you. You are doing him a favor by even considering any of this. Remember that. The article you are referring to on detachment can be found at the bottom of my post here. You might read the book, Codependent no more by Melodie Beatty, it is helpful. It is usually imperative that we parents seek out some kind of professional support, a therapist, counselor or parent group. Many parents find solace and support through the 12 step groups, Al Anon, CoDa, Families anonymous or Narc Anon. We have to learn how to parent very differently, and most of us need support to figure out how to do that. There is a vast difference between enabling and loving kindness and it takes us quite awhile to figure out the difference and to learn to NOT enable. You're on the right track. This is a process, it is not linear, it goes up and down and sideways until we get our footing and land on level ground. Get yourself support and keep posting, it helps. Hang in there, this is hard stuff. You're not alone, we all know how you feel. I'm glad you're here........ [/QUOTE]
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