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Substance Abuse
20 yr.old pothead...angry husband...2 seperate issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Woriedmom" data-source="post: 630604" data-attributes="member: 18061"><p>Sig, I agree I have placed my son above my husband, though unintentional in the beginning of our marriage and I do feel guilty about that. When we were dating he saw that I babied my son, I started doing that to both my older daughter and my son when their bio-logical father was arrested for sexually abusing my son's older sister..( my son didn't know that was why he spent time in prison, till he started getting high).</p><p></p><p>As soon as it was disclosed I took my daughter out of the house immediately and pressed charges. I had his father arrested but it was a horrible ordeal to get the police to keep him in prison...long story short after only a year and a half in jail it went to trial with 10 jurors and thanks to one lady juror the monster was found not guilty, even the judge stormed out so sick that the beast got off Scot free. My son was 8 years old when his Dad walked him to school for the last time. I said all this just to give you an idea of why I was trying to be both father and mother to my children. Years later when I started dating my husband I told him (not in detail) what happened to daughter and how it affected not only her but my son also. He saw how I was with both my children, especially my son because for some reason though the daily living nightmare for my daughter had ended it just began for my son but also was hard on me since I deeply loved my ex-husband,and it was unbearable to know the whole time I was married to this sick beast, and for almost 15 years.</p><p>My current husband saw how I was, especially with my son. I remember coming home from Bible study one night and making my son a snack...my husband was there and flipped out at me for it. I should've seen right then that I wasn't ready for this man nor was he ready for me. I remember asking him if he wanted out of the relationship ( I was having trouble with my older daughter at the time..teenage stuff like breaking curfew etc. but telling my husband at that time... "if you want out do it now, because I'm letting you know ...I'll be trying to deal with her " . He insisted on staying in the relationship. But I should've ended it when I witnessed anger problems within his own life, he was living in a recovery house at the time and badly cursed out this guy on the phone.Also, told me how he beat people up all in his "past" life. Other things he told me but I wasn't ready to marry him...but I didn't know how to tell him. It was entirely my fault, I know. I kinda think I was afraid to tell him "no". I'm not good at confrontation at all. I did love him, just wasn't ready to marry him.</p><p></p><p>I thought he'd grow out of his anger issues. My son was only starting his teen years and basically would spend his days playing video games....soon as I started dating my husband...my son was left alone in the apartment and no sooner started smoking pot. Now... my husband did show my son some kindness when we were dating but the minute we came back from our honeymoon he was having issues with my son. Like if he left his dishes in the sink..you would've thought the world came to an end. He blew up with my older daughter for the curfew she kept breaking... I mean by that time she was 21 , but his point was that if you are living under his roof you will either obey or move out ,(definitely has severe control issues). My older daughter was so sweet,(still is) never talked back or anything. I know she was relieved when she got accepted in college. So...she was gone and here I was left with 2 big babies in the house. I knew my son was getting high but was in denial soon my husband found out and that's when things REALLY started getting bad.</p><p></p><p>Here we are now...son's no longer living with us and I'm just now realizing it really is 2 separate issues. My son needs to grow up, he's 20 for God's sake, and just as MWM says there are guys fighting for our country at his age. There's no excuse for his drug use. Obviously it has taken me all this time to realize this and that is why I chose not to fight my husband on kicking him out of the house. The problem I think was that my son NEVER spoke to my husband about anything, mostly because he was afraid of him. I was always the "go between" and it was making me physically sick...my husband caused me so much stress, giving me panic attacks...and knowing I suffer with seizures too.) Anyway..my son would over hear us argue about silly things etc. most times it was about my son but I kept it low (when it came to my son )...I just didn't my son to overhear. I really just wanted the 2 of them to be good friends, what mother doesn't hope that her husband and step son have a good friendship? Now, I've finally given up on that dream.</p><p>My husband knows what it is to be drug addict since he use to be one himself and it's true he knows my son was manipulating me. Obviously still trying but now my son realizes I'm on my husbands side when it comes to the way he is choosing to live his life. It's not just the getting high, I noticed my son ( though wouldn't curse at me ) started using foul language when he was upset.The last straw was when he got so angry he broke one of my 2 yr.old's toys, that was the last straw with me. I ripped into him for that, trust me. Like a mad woman..( I was like the wife with the butcher knife in the book "co-dependent no more".</p><p></p><p>So, here we are I'm only crushed because I miss the sweet little boy he once was. What mom doesn't remember our children when they were little? : (</p><p></p><p>Please understand that I'm sharing with you all what has happened to get me to this point. Years of turmoil caused between my husband and my son, but again I feel sort of responsible. Obviously the problem today is more-so my son. I realized my errors...everyone of them. I know..I feel guilty enough for my poor choices in life. But I cannot live in guilt any longer. Please don't be harsh with me, my guilt is what's been making me feel worse and worse. I will add that I already knew what my husband kept yelling at me about which was "your son is the way he is because of the way you raised him, to be a mama's boy !" ...he reminds me till this day.</p><p>My husband kept yelling at me "You better tell your son this...or you better tell your son that"...and he</p><p>( my husband would get so vicious that my anger was being aimed him instead of my son.</p><p>It is like I said though, I could've really fought my husband on him taking my son out with the police etc. but realized on my own that my son did need to go.</p><p></p><p>MWM... I must say I've never heard the term "A Dry Drunk", I know you say it would benefit my husband to attend a few more AA meetings...but honestly I think anger management once again might be the better choice. lol I gotta laugh, please just allow me to laugh. Please tell me I'm on my way to detaching...though it's just begun that I'm on my way.</p><p></p><p>PS.. I do have some "me" time, it's when I watch 2 episodes back to back of this one comedy on TV. : ) and loving my little 2 yr. old angel.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is la novel...Please be kind to me. : )</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Woriedmom, post: 630604, member: 18061"] Sig, I agree I have placed my son above my husband, though unintentional in the beginning of our marriage and I do feel guilty about that. When we were dating he saw that I babied my son, I started doing that to both my older daughter and my son when their bio-logical father was arrested for sexually abusing my son's older sister..( my son didn't know that was why he spent time in prison, till he started getting high). As soon as it was disclosed I took my daughter out of the house immediately and pressed charges. I had his father arrested but it was a horrible ordeal to get the police to keep him in prison...long story short after only a year and a half in jail it went to trial with 10 jurors and thanks to one lady juror the monster was found not guilty, even the judge stormed out so sick that the beast got off Scot free. My son was 8 years old when his Dad walked him to school for the last time. I said all this just to give you an idea of why I was trying to be both father and mother to my children. Years later when I started dating my husband I told him (not in detail) what happened to daughter and how it affected not only her but my son also. He saw how I was with both my children, especially my son because for some reason though the daily living nightmare for my daughter had ended it just began for my son but also was hard on me since I deeply loved my ex-husband,and it was unbearable to know the whole time I was married to this sick beast, and for almost 15 years. My current husband saw how I was, especially with my son. I remember coming home from Bible study one night and making my son a snack...my husband was there and flipped out at me for it. I should've seen right then that I wasn't ready for this man nor was he ready for me. I remember asking him if he wanted out of the relationship ( I was having trouble with my older daughter at the time..teenage stuff like breaking curfew etc. but telling my husband at that time... "if you want out do it now, because I'm letting you know ...I'll be trying to deal with her " . He insisted on staying in the relationship. But I should've ended it when I witnessed anger problems within his own life, he was living in a recovery house at the time and badly cursed out this guy on the phone.Also, told me how he beat people up all in his "past" life. Other things he told me but I wasn't ready to marry him...but I didn't know how to tell him. It was entirely my fault, I know. I kinda think I was afraid to tell him "no". I'm not good at confrontation at all. I did love him, just wasn't ready to marry him. I thought he'd grow out of his anger issues. My son was only starting his teen years and basically would spend his days playing video games....soon as I started dating my husband...my son was left alone in the apartment and no sooner started smoking pot. Now... my husband did show my son some kindness when we were dating but the minute we came back from our honeymoon he was having issues with my son. Like if he left his dishes in the sink..you would've thought the world came to an end. He blew up with my older daughter for the curfew she kept breaking... I mean by that time she was 21 , but his point was that if you are living under his roof you will either obey or move out ,(definitely has severe control issues). My older daughter was so sweet,(still is) never talked back or anything. I know she was relieved when she got accepted in college. So...she was gone and here I was left with 2 big babies in the house. I knew my son was getting high but was in denial soon my husband found out and that's when things REALLY started getting bad. Here we are now...son's no longer living with us and I'm just now realizing it really is 2 separate issues. My son needs to grow up, he's 20 for God's sake, and just as MWM says there are guys fighting for our country at his age. There's no excuse for his drug use. Obviously it has taken me all this time to realize this and that is why I chose not to fight my husband on kicking him out of the house. The problem I think was that my son NEVER spoke to my husband about anything, mostly because he was afraid of him. I was always the "go between" and it was making me physically sick...my husband caused me so much stress, giving me panic attacks...and knowing I suffer with seizures too.) Anyway..my son would over hear us argue about silly things etc. most times it was about my son but I kept it low (when it came to my son )...I just didn't my son to overhear. I really just wanted the 2 of them to be good friends, what mother doesn't hope that her husband and step son have a good friendship? Now, I've finally given up on that dream. My husband knows what it is to be drug addict since he use to be one himself and it's true he knows my son was manipulating me. Obviously still trying but now my son realizes I'm on my husbands side when it comes to the way he is choosing to live his life. It's not just the getting high, I noticed my son ( though wouldn't curse at me ) started using foul language when he was upset.The last straw was when he got so angry he broke one of my 2 yr.old's toys, that was the last straw with me. I ripped into him for that, trust me. Like a mad woman..( I was like the wife with the butcher knife in the book "co-dependent no more". So, here we are I'm only crushed because I miss the sweet little boy he once was. What mom doesn't remember our children when they were little? : ( Please understand that I'm sharing with you all what has happened to get me to this point. Years of turmoil caused between my husband and my son, but again I feel sort of responsible. Obviously the problem today is more-so my son. I realized my errors...everyone of them. I know..I feel guilty enough for my poor choices in life. But I cannot live in guilt any longer. Please don't be harsh with me, my guilt is what's been making me feel worse and worse. I will add that I already knew what my husband kept yelling at me about which was "your son is the way he is because of the way you raised him, to be a mama's boy !" ...he reminds me till this day. My husband kept yelling at me "You better tell your son this...or you better tell your son that"...and he ( my husband would get so vicious that my anger was being aimed him instead of my son. It is like I said though, I could've really fought my husband on him taking my son out with the police etc. but realized on my own that my son did need to go. MWM... I must say I've never heard the term "A Dry Drunk", I know you say it would benefit my husband to attend a few more AA meetings...but honestly I think anger management once again might be the better choice. lol I gotta laugh, please just allow me to laugh. Please tell me I'm on my way to detaching...though it's just begun that I'm on my way. PS.. I do have some "me" time, it's when I watch 2 episodes back to back of this one comedy on TV. : ) and loving my little 2 yr. old angel. I'm sorry this is la novel...Please be kind to me. : ) [/QUOTE]
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20 yr.old pothead...angry husband...2 seperate issues
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