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21 year old son in and out of house
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632764" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>youngmom, you are VERY young to be going through the perils of an adult difficult child and if I can help anyone, then I am paying back those who helped me. I used to think that if I put myself first in any situation I was being a selfish person. Of course, who told me that? Why, my family...mom, dad, sis, bro...lol. I was the family black sheep who could never do anything right. Worse, somehow I got labeled "selfish." I let my family of origin tell me what I was. I believed I was selfish!!!</p><p></p><p>Now I have many flaws! Being selfish has never been one of them. I'm the opposite, foolishly so, although I have learned. In the days I was being told I was selfish, I used to stash $10 bills in beggar's cups. I was too naive to think that maybe I should offer a sandwich instead because mostly likely I was funding their drug habit, but my heart just would bleed for any hurt I saw or heard about. Yet since my mom, sister and brother called me "selfish" Dang It I was selfish. That only made me try even harder to do everything for everyone, which didn't work out very well for me and didn't change their opinion. At about your age, maybe a few years older, I started to catch on that maybe they were wrong about me and that nobody had a right to define me but me, but I had been in therapy and Twelve Step since age 35. It helped me a lot. It took a long time before I could actually believe it was ok to think about myself at all, let alone first. And that I didn't have to fix everyone else, including my growing oldest son who was almost an adult by then and not doing well. I have to take my hat off to CODA Codependents Anonymous and my cognitive behavioral therapist...they started my walk to freedom. As time went on, I slowly let go of members of my family of origin. Too bad I chased after my uncaring, mean mother almost until she died. I will never try to please anyone who can't be pleased again. Ever. Nor will I do things against my better judgment just to please another person. I don't even tell people about my problems anymore. That's private. I save my stories for group therapy and my therapist. Nobody except my husband is otherwise entitled to know the inner me. My "family" (long story) is not trustworthy and Ibarely see the few of them that are still alive.</p><p></p><p>To start your journey, I highly recommend a 12 Step Group, even if you're not religious. I also suggest a therapist who is focused on teaching you coping skills to deal with your son and your family and to boost your self esteem. At 38 you have so many years to enjoy. Why let your family's criticism and your son's bad behavior ruin the rest of your life? You can take control of your own life. In fact, you have 100% control only over one person...you. You have 0% over anyone else. But since you have 100% control over you, you can choose who to confide in, who to talk to, what topics you are willing to explore with other people, how often to talk to anybody, if you talk to somebody or decide not to, how you react to your son's nonsense comments about you that are for his own benefit and you can hold your head up high and feel good about how you are now taking care of yourself.</p><p></p><p>Most of us are fixers and pleasers, but that becomes so stressful (because it doesn't work) that we have to find another way. Read the article about detachment. You may like this fresh idea. The first time I heard about detachment I thought the people who were talking to me about it were picking on me in a tag team way and I left this woman's group in tears and never returned. I thought, "They are so selfish! How can you think about yourself when so many people are suffering?" Too bad we are no good to anyone else when we are so stressed out ourselves that we are ready for the loonybin. And, yes, I have been in a psychiatric hospital more than once and I'd call them good learning experiences. On top of people pleasing and fixing, I also have a serious mood disorder, now under control.</p><p></p><p>Be good to you. Do something sinfully wonderful tonigiht like eat a three scoop hot fudge sundea with cherries, marshmellows and nuts on top. Then go dancing and wink at the sexiest man there (unless you are in a relationship). You deserve FUN. And remember we are here to help. The good part about us is we are here 24/7 and don't even take off Christmas and somebody is usually awake even in the wee hours of the morning.</p><p></p><p>Hugs again and hope you stick around.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632764, member: 1550"] youngmom, you are VERY young to be going through the perils of an adult difficult child and if I can help anyone, then I am paying back those who helped me. I used to think that if I put myself first in any situation I was being a selfish person. Of course, who told me that? Why, my family...mom, dad, sis, bro...lol. I was the family black sheep who could never do anything right. Worse, somehow I got labeled "selfish." I let my family of origin tell me what I was. I believed I was selfish!!! Now I have many flaws! Being selfish has never been one of them. I'm the opposite, foolishly so, although I have learned. In the days I was being told I was selfish, I used to stash $10 bills in beggar's cups. I was too naive to think that maybe I should offer a sandwich instead because mostly likely I was funding their drug habit, but my heart just would bleed for any hurt I saw or heard about. Yet since my mom, sister and brother called me "selfish" Dang It I was selfish. That only made me try even harder to do everything for everyone, which didn't work out very well for me and didn't change their opinion. At about your age, maybe a few years older, I started to catch on that maybe they were wrong about me and that nobody had a right to define me but me, but I had been in therapy and Twelve Step since age 35. It helped me a lot. It took a long time before I could actually believe it was ok to think about myself at all, let alone first. And that I didn't have to fix everyone else, including my growing oldest son who was almost an adult by then and not doing well. I have to take my hat off to CODA Codependents Anonymous and my cognitive behavioral therapist...they started my walk to freedom. As time went on, I slowly let go of members of my family of origin. Too bad I chased after my uncaring, mean mother almost until she died. I will never try to please anyone who can't be pleased again. Ever. Nor will I do things against my better judgment just to please another person. I don't even tell people about my problems anymore. That's private. I save my stories for group therapy and my therapist. Nobody except my husband is otherwise entitled to know the inner me. My "family" (long story) is not trustworthy and Ibarely see the few of them that are still alive. To start your journey, I highly recommend a 12 Step Group, even if you're not religious. I also suggest a therapist who is focused on teaching you coping skills to deal with your son and your family and to boost your self esteem. At 38 you have so many years to enjoy. Why let your family's criticism and your son's bad behavior ruin the rest of your life? You can take control of your own life. In fact, you have 100% control only over one person...you. You have 0% over anyone else. But since you have 100% control over you, you can choose who to confide in, who to talk to, what topics you are willing to explore with other people, how often to talk to anybody, if you talk to somebody or decide not to, how you react to your son's nonsense comments about you that are for his own benefit and you can hold your head up high and feel good about how you are now taking care of yourself. Most of us are fixers and pleasers, but that becomes so stressful (because it doesn't work) that we have to find another way. Read the article about detachment. You may like this fresh idea. The first time I heard about detachment I thought the people who were talking to me about it were picking on me in a tag team way and I left this woman's group in tears and never returned. I thought, "They are so selfish! How can you think about yourself when so many people are suffering?" Too bad we are no good to anyone else when we are so stressed out ourselves that we are ready for the loonybin. And, yes, I have been in a psychiatric hospital more than once and I'd call them good learning experiences. On top of people pleasing and fixing, I also have a serious mood disorder, now under control. Be good to you. Do something sinfully wonderful tonigiht like eat a three scoop hot fudge sundea with cherries, marshmellows and nuts on top. Then go dancing and wink at the sexiest man there (unless you are in a relationship). You deserve FUN. And remember we are here to help. The good part about us is we are here 24/7 and don't even take off Christmas and somebody is usually awake even in the wee hours of the morning. Hugs again and hope you stick around. [/QUOTE]
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