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Parent Emeritus
28 yo son with Bipolar
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 732031" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Beta Welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son's choices and behaviors, it's extremely difficult when our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason.</p><p></p><p>It appears as if you are emerging out of the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.....a place most of us are very familiar with. As we emerge, clarity begins and we start the process of disengaging from our adult kid's behaviors, choices and lifestyle. </p><p></p><p>Even with mental illness, you do not have to put up with abuse and manipulation and outright nastiness. I think it's positive that you are pulling back.</p><p></p><p>If you haven't already, you might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have parent courses which offer information, guidance, support and resources.....I would encourage you to call them, the services are free. A general good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. At the bottom of my post here is an article on detachment you may find interesting and informative. </p><p></p><p>Your son's abusive reactions to you pulling back your financial support is not an uncommon reaction when we stop enabling our adult kids. They will try whatever it takes to get you back in the position of being responsible for their lives and their choices. Stay strong. Set strong boundaries around that behavior. Hang up each and every time he acts in any fashion other than respectful. Let him know, under NO circumstances will you allow that behavior. That is an impenetrable boundary as far as I'm concerned. He may be bi-polar but he knows right from wrong. How he is treating you is wrong. Period. My daughter used to treat me similarly, but once I found out about boundaries and found this forum and received professional support, I put a stop to that and as time went by, my daughter shifted in the exact proportion to what I permitted. She treats me very well now...... and her circumstances are still precarious.</p><p></p><p>I think before you make any definitive choice about no contact, you may want to get your boundaries down well. Figure out what you're willing to do and what you are not willing to do. Then communicate your boundaries to your son and enforce them. Hang up if he's nasty. Continue pulling out financially......many of us have paid for cell phones....... Start focusing on you, your husband and your other kids.....your son is making the choices he believes are right for him......there isn't anything you can do. That powerlessness and the fear are difficult......but with support and time, you will feel a lot better.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Beta, this is not an easy path. You're not alone. We've been there, it's very helpful to write our stories and receive support and compassion and understanding, often this can be a very lonely road. I'm glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 732031, member: 13542"] Beta Welcome. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son's choices and behaviors, it's extremely difficult when our kids go off the rails, for whatever reason. It appears as if you are emerging out of the FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.....a place most of us are very familiar with. As we emerge, clarity begins and we start the process of disengaging from our adult kid's behaviors, choices and lifestyle. Even with mental illness, you do not have to put up with abuse and manipulation and outright nastiness. I think it's positive that you are pulling back. If you haven't already, you might try contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They have parent courses which offer information, guidance, support and resources.....I would encourage you to call them, the services are free. A general good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. At the bottom of my post here is an article on detachment you may find interesting and informative. Your son's abusive reactions to you pulling back your financial support is not an uncommon reaction when we stop enabling our adult kids. They will try whatever it takes to get you back in the position of being responsible for their lives and their choices. Stay strong. Set strong boundaries around that behavior. Hang up each and every time he acts in any fashion other than respectful. Let him know, under NO circumstances will you allow that behavior. That is an impenetrable boundary as far as I'm concerned. He may be bi-polar but he knows right from wrong. How he is treating you is wrong. Period. My daughter used to treat me similarly, but once I found out about boundaries and found this forum and received professional support, I put a stop to that and as time went by, my daughter shifted in the exact proportion to what I permitted. She treats me very well now...... and her circumstances are still precarious. I think before you make any definitive choice about no contact, you may want to get your boundaries down well. Figure out what you're willing to do and what you are not willing to do. Then communicate your boundaries to your son and enforce them. Hang up if he's nasty. Continue pulling out financially......many of us have paid for cell phones....... Start focusing on you, your husband and your other kids.....your son is making the choices he believes are right for him......there isn't anything you can do. That powerlessness and the fear are difficult......but with support and time, you will feel a lot better. Hang in there Beta, this is not an easy path. You're not alone. We've been there, it's very helpful to write our stories and receive support and compassion and understanding, often this can be a very lonely road. I'm glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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