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Substance Abuse
2nd NY Times Article in Substance Abuse series
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 579619" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Thanks Jane. When we kicked my son out when he was 18 I was ready to just wait for him to call us and knew it might be a long time. I was of course distraught, heartbroken and angry. We had been willing to give him a chance to follow our rules but he had threatened me and then we said he needed to leave. Anyway I talked to my therapist at the time and I think she gave me very very good advice. She said if I just wait for him it will be a matter of pride for him and he wont call me, that I in a sense have kicked him out and so dont put him in a position where he has to come begging for contact with us. That hit me and was such a relief to me in a way. And it helped me to start being clear that I love him, will always love him but I will not enable him. So at that point every few days I would text him and he would ignore me but he did call us when he got arrested.</p><p></p><p>So like Nancys daughter, I think my son knows without a doubt that we love him and are there for him when he really wants help.... but he also knows now without a doubt that we will not rescue him.</p><p></p><p>RM - I think what the article said is confusing because IT is confusing. I think it is true that recovery is much much more likely if the person is not forced into it and wants it, but there are times when interventions and forcing someone does work.</p><p></p><p>I think we use the term hitting bottom in many different ways and that has been what has bothered me when people say you dont need to let someone hit bottom. I think what he is saying is you dont need to force them to the bottom, like you dont need to throw them into the pit, but you do need to let them face their own consequences and if they climb into the pit themselves you will only hold onto the rope if they are willing to climb up.....you dont keep throwing them more rope.... or just walk away completely. Does that analagy make sense?</p><p></p><p>I think the hard part for me in all of this is the idea some people have that we as their parents have any control over the situation. We dont really and that is a hard reality to come to grips with as a parent.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 579619, member: 15801"] Thanks Jane. When we kicked my son out when he was 18 I was ready to just wait for him to call us and knew it might be a long time. I was of course distraught, heartbroken and angry. We had been willing to give him a chance to follow our rules but he had threatened me and then we said he needed to leave. Anyway I talked to my therapist at the time and I think she gave me very very good advice. She said if I just wait for him it will be a matter of pride for him and he wont call me, that I in a sense have kicked him out and so dont put him in a position where he has to come begging for contact with us. That hit me and was such a relief to me in a way. And it helped me to start being clear that I love him, will always love him but I will not enable him. So at that point every few days I would text him and he would ignore me but he did call us when he got arrested. So like Nancys daughter, I think my son knows without a doubt that we love him and are there for him when he really wants help.... but he also knows now without a doubt that we will not rescue him. RM - I think what the article said is confusing because IT is confusing. I think it is true that recovery is much much more likely if the person is not forced into it and wants it, but there are times when interventions and forcing someone does work. I think we use the term hitting bottom in many different ways and that has been what has bothered me when people say you dont need to let someone hit bottom. I think what he is saying is you dont need to force them to the bottom, like you dont need to throw them into the pit, but you do need to let them face their own consequences and if they climb into the pit themselves you will only hold onto the rope if they are willing to climb up.....you dont keep throwing them more rope.... or just walk away completely. Does that analagy make sense? I think the hard part for me in all of this is the idea some people have that we as their parents have any control over the situation. We dont really and that is a hard reality to come to grips with as a parent. TL [/QUOTE]
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2nd NY Times Article in Substance Abuse series
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