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34yo Difficult Child back in area, same ol, same ol
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676553" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I think Son was sincere <em>to the degree that he is able</em>. </p><p></p><p>Seventeen layers down, back before the addiction, he does love you both. He doesn't mean to be an a** is another way of saying he doesn't mean to be who he has somehow become. </p><p></p><p>But he is who he has become. And he knows it <em>and believe it or not this is a small display of conscience and that is progress.</em></p><p></p><p>This is only for you to observe. Your child is still trapped in something he cannot break free of with your help. He needs to do this alone. Maybe the grandparents will be able to keep him afloat until he can take the next steps. If you or D H could have helped him, these things would never have come to be. That is the circle of addiction. Every good intention the kids have is powerless before the power of the addiction. And they are turned into liars in their own eyes, and condemn themselves for it.</p><p></p><p>And they don't know what to do about any of it anymore than we do.</p><p></p><p>But we have one another, and this site. And so, we can find the courage to ~ I don't know. To do what we are doing.</p><p></p><p>Because nothing else worked, and those are our children, and we love them.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>It helps me sometimes, when I know there is nothing I can do without making the situation worse, to repeat: "There is nothing I need to do." </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p></p><p>This is one of the things that changes in our families, when there is addiction. Or a mental or emotional illness. We harden our hearts to survive it. We become cynical to survive it. Time passes, and we forget how it hurt to lose the kids, how it hurt to lose our images of ourselves as the parents we believed ourselves to have been. We forget how it hurt to begin questioning and then, condemning ourselves.</p><p></p><p>We forget how it hurt, when we became desperate enough to find this site, or to entertain detachment parenting as even a remote possibility. </p><p></p><p>And then, suddenly one day, we see the faces we love. And the horror of what's happened to all of us feels unreal ~ feels like it couldn't possibly be true.</p><p></p><p>I believe with all my heart that <em>once they are sober or straight for a period of time</em> the kids feel the same way. </p><p></p><p>Disoriented.</p><p></p><p>They don't know what to do, either.</p><p></p><p>They are scared, too. And deeply ashamed.</p><p></p><p>But all those good things you taught your son about meeting challenge are still there inside him. Believe that, because it is true. He has everything he needs to bring himself through this.</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in there is our child as he or she was before the addiction; before the illness.</p><p></p><p>Before all of us lost what was lost.</p><p></p><p>He can and will come through this, and so will you and D H.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I think it is true that detachment parenting gives the kids the best chance. I know I am not supposed to see detachment that way but that is how I do see it. If we give to them what they need, we turn them into beggars expecting a payoff if only the story is bad enough, and if they are blameless enough in our eyes.</p><p></p><p>The eyes that matter are their own eyes. </p><p></p><p>That is why we have to practice detachment parenting. The kids need to learn to respect themselves again, and they need to learn they are strong enough. We are the ones who can break the nasty viciousness of enabling, which turns the kids into beggars and us into people who see their own children in ugly ways and so, we are the ones who have to do it.</p><p></p><p>Thinking this way helped me survive what I needed to do to give the kids a chance at saving themselves. I had already done everything I knew to help them and it hadn't worked.</p><p></p><p>So, I had to do something else.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening. It is impossible to remain survivably detached when the child is near. When the grandparents are involved. It might be helpful to read through the McCoy material linked to the bottom of my posts, Seeking. She gives us words to speak and parenting self-concepts to hold us up.</p><p></p><p>Did you text him back?</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>The other thing I would tell you is not to write the end of the story. Not for good, and not for bad. Try to stay present moment and steady state.</p><p>That way, you will know the right thing. You will not respond to any of this from some anxious, dark place that is desperate.</p><p></p><p>Take care of yourself and your D H. Love your child, but be smart. His situation is what it is. It will be hard for him, and for you.</p><p></p><p>We are right here.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Okay, so one more thing. It helped D H and I to say "No" once we decided what we would need to see before we would help. Knowing there was a place that we would help was a landmark for us ~ a way to make sense of where we were and what we were doing and why we were doing it. I told my kids what I was doing, and why. I don't want them to feel judged or condemned. I don't want them ever to believe we don't love and care about what happens to them. I think they did not feel as judged, or as abandoned, when they understood where we were coming from.</p><p></p><p>And we did not judge ourselves as harshly.</p><p></p><p>And that is important, too.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676553, member: 17461"] I think Son was sincere [I]to the degree that he is able[/I]. Seventeen layers down, back before the addiction, he does love you both. He doesn't mean to be an a** is another way of saying he doesn't mean to be who he has somehow become. But he is who he has become. And he knows it [I]and believe it or not this is a small display of conscience and that is progress.[/I] This is only for you to observe. Your child is still trapped in something he cannot break free of with your help. He needs to do this alone. Maybe the grandparents will be able to keep him afloat until he can take the next steps. If you or D H could have helped him, these things would never have come to be. That is the circle of addiction. Every good intention the kids have is powerless before the power of the addiction. And they are turned into liars in their own eyes, and condemn themselves for it. And they don't know what to do about any of it anymore than we do. But we have one another, and this site. And so, we can find the courage to ~ I don't know. To do what we are doing. Because nothing else worked, and those are our children, and we love them. *** It helps me sometimes, when I know there is nothing I can do without making the situation worse, to repeat: "There is nothing I need to do." *** This is one of the things that changes in our families, when there is addiction. Or a mental or emotional illness. We harden our hearts to survive it. We become cynical to survive it. Time passes, and we forget how it hurt to lose the kids, how it hurt to lose our images of ourselves as the parents we believed ourselves to have been. We forget how it hurt to begin questioning and then, condemning ourselves. We forget how it hurt, when we became desperate enough to find this site, or to entertain detachment parenting as even a remote possibility. And then, suddenly one day, we see the faces we love. And the horror of what's happened to all of us feels unreal ~ feels like it couldn't possibly be true. I believe with all my heart that [I]once they are sober or straight for a period of time[/I] the kids feel the same way. Disoriented. They don't know what to do, either. They are scared, too. And deeply ashamed. But all those good things you taught your son about meeting challenge are still there inside him. Believe that, because it is true. He has everything he needs to bring himself through this. Somewhere in there is our child as he or she was before the addiction; before the illness. Before all of us lost what was lost. He can and will come through this, and so will you and D H. *** I think it is true that detachment parenting gives the kids the best chance. I know I am not supposed to see detachment that way but that is how I do see it. If we give to them what they need, we turn them into beggars expecting a payoff if only the story is bad enough, and if they are blameless enough in our eyes. The eyes that matter are their own eyes. That is why we have to practice detachment parenting. The kids need to learn to respect themselves again, and they need to learn they are strong enough. We are the ones who can break the nasty viciousness of enabling, which turns the kids into beggars and us into people who see their own children in ugly ways and so, we are the ones who have to do it. Thinking this way helped me survive what I needed to do to give the kids a chance at saving themselves. I had already done everything I knew to help them and it hadn't worked. So, I had to do something else. I am sorry this is happening. It is impossible to remain survivably detached when the child is near. When the grandparents are involved. It might be helpful to read through the McCoy material linked to the bottom of my posts, Seeking. She gives us words to speak and parenting self-concepts to hold us up. Did you text him back? Cedar The other thing I would tell you is not to write the end of the story. Not for good, and not for bad. Try to stay present moment and steady state. That way, you will know the right thing. You will not respond to any of this from some anxious, dark place that is desperate. Take care of yourself and your D H. Love your child, but be smart. His situation is what it is. It will be hard for him, and for you. We are right here. *** Okay, so one more thing. It helped D H and I to say "No" once we decided what we would need to see before we would help. Knowing there was a place that we would help was a landmark for us ~ a way to make sense of where we were and what we were doing and why we were doing it. I told my kids what I was doing, and why. I don't want them to feel judged or condemned. I don't want them ever to believe we don't love and care about what happens to them. I think they did not feel as judged, or as abandoned, when they understood where we were coming from. And we did not judge ourselves as harshly. And that is important, too. [/QUOTE]
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