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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 639891" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Lucy,</p><p></p><p>I didn't go to London yet, I'll be there the second week in December...I can't wait to see it lit up with Christmas lights!</p><p></p><p>I am at work, and I am wearing underwear because it was 21 degrees when I left home this morning...a lady's nether parts need protecting sometimes!</p><p></p><p>I did facebook message difficult child. I just said "hi." 24 hours later he responded with "hi mom, I miss you" and a heart. I waited, then responded by saying we could have coffee or lunch, the next day or next week. He waited till after "the next day" had passed, then said he was thinking next week.</p><p></p><p>MWM and Suzirs comments lead me to this a lot...I had a renewed feeling of needing to really accept him as he is, and expect no change..as suzir said, why then would I not relieve his suffering? MWM moved me a notch back towards remembering his relatively severe limitations. I drift on that scale...sometimes I think he is accountable, sometimes less so. </p><p></p><p>In the end it is my own sadness and discomfort I was struggling to relieve...too hard to think of myself as an abandoning mother...I didn't even abandon the dang rescue dog we got years ago..the one who was so meek at the shelter and looked like a small deer, but actually waited till people tried to pet her then bit them...we walked her with a muzzle, paid a trainer, went to the university vet school behavioral health clinic (to the tune of 100's of dollars and time off work...) and put her on prozac. They told me she was a special needs dog and needed to be treated as such for the rest of her life. I didn't abandon HER....(well OK I did try to have her put to sleep when she actually succeeded in biting some one and they sued us...) but in the end...we did all we could for her. </p><p></p><p>Completely cutting ties didn't feel like I was doing all I could.</p><p></p><p>ON a related note...I had the very , very sobering event, when I went to message him on FB...of reading all the facebook messages between us for the LAST FOUR YEARS. Yup...since 2010. Same same same...more than I realized. My pushing, naggin, aarrangingin, reminding, cajoling, encouraging...and clearly, in the messages, his polite complete lack of interest or engagement. It was so much clearer reading it all in one sitting than it was at the time. I was blind, and relentless. I have no business resenting the time I put into trying to help him...he never asked for it, not one jot.</p><p></p><p>I also saw that I have cut off ties in anger more often than I realized.</p><p></p><p>So it was a difficult but good exercise. </p><p></p><p>And in the end I messaged him.</p><p></p><p>And in the end, as Suzir suggested, he didn't really want to see me. But I think I made him feel better.</p><p></p><p>And today, in these dark, cold, underwear-necessary days, as the warmth of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the winter holidays of light all come into view...I needed to reach out a hand and make some one feel warmer.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, Lucy, Albie, Guide, Recovering...all your words helped. I needed to be supported as I worked through it, and I particularly valued the advice from several of you to pause, take no action. That was quite valuable too.</p><p></p><p>Tomorrow is my one year anniversary on the board! Happy anniversary to one and all!</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 639891, member: 17269"] Lucy, I didn't go to London yet, I'll be there the second week in December...I can't wait to see it lit up with Christmas lights! I am at work, and I am wearing underwear because it was 21 degrees when I left home this morning...a lady's nether parts need protecting sometimes! I did facebook message difficult child. I just said "hi." 24 hours later he responded with "hi mom, I miss you" and a heart. I waited, then responded by saying we could have coffee or lunch, the next day or next week. He waited till after "the next day" had passed, then said he was thinking next week. MWM and Suzirs comments lead me to this a lot...I had a renewed feeling of needing to really accept him as he is, and expect no change..as suzir said, why then would I not relieve his suffering? MWM moved me a notch back towards remembering his relatively severe limitations. I drift on that scale...sometimes I think he is accountable, sometimes less so. In the end it is my own sadness and discomfort I was struggling to relieve...too hard to think of myself as an abandoning mother...I didn't even abandon the dang rescue dog we got years ago..the one who was so meek at the shelter and looked like a small deer, but actually waited till people tried to pet her then bit them...we walked her with a muzzle, paid a trainer, went to the university vet school behavioral health clinic (to the tune of 100's of dollars and time off work...) and put her on prozac. They told me she was a special needs dog and needed to be treated as such for the rest of her life. I didn't abandon HER....(well OK I did try to have her put to sleep when she actually succeeded in biting some one and they sued us...) but in the end...we did all we could for her. Completely cutting ties didn't feel like I was doing all I could. ON a related note...I had the very , very sobering event, when I went to message him on FB...of reading all the facebook messages between us for the LAST FOUR YEARS. Yup...since 2010. Same same same...more than I realized. My pushing, naggin, aarrangingin, reminding, cajoling, encouraging...and clearly, in the messages, his polite complete lack of interest or engagement. It was so much clearer reading it all in one sitting than it was at the time. I was blind, and relentless. I have no business resenting the time I put into trying to help him...he never asked for it, not one jot. I also saw that I have cut off ties in anger more often than I realized. So it was a difficult but good exercise. And in the end I messaged him. And in the end, as Suzir suggested, he didn't really want to see me. But I think I made him feel better. And today, in these dark, cold, underwear-necessary days, as the warmth of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the winter holidays of light all come into view...I needed to reach out a hand and make some one feel warmer. Cedar, Lucy, Albie, Guide, Recovering...all your words helped. I needed to be supported as I worked through it, and I particularly valued the advice from several of you to pause, take no action. That was quite valuable too. Tomorrow is my one year anniversary on the board! Happy anniversary to one and all! Echo [/QUOTE]
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