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General Parenting
4 year old wearing me out... advice needed!
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<blockquote data-quote="Angela41" data-source="post: 571810" data-attributes="member: 14703"><p>What concerns me is the lack of connection that you are describing- that he doesn't enjoy much "kid stuff," doesn't display emotion when he's being aggressive, doesn't seem interested in other kids, and doesn't seem at all motivated by reward/consequence (although my son didn't seem too concerned with rewards and consequences at that age). </p><p></p><p>My son was so hard at four. He was highly aggressive with us (parents), defiant, destructive (he would tear his room apart if I tried to make him stay in it), he said mean things, was mischievous, and was defiant (although not aggressive) at preschool. He was angel with babysitters because he had their undivided attention and playtime. I took him to a counselor because his preschool had a hard time managing him, and recommended counseling.</p><p></p><p>Fast forward to six and kindergarten- he is not an angel, but is maturing into an awesome kid. What worked: </p><p></p><p>1) calm, consistent responses to his unacceptable behaviors- this was hard because my son liked to "up the ante" screaming would become throwing would become hitting would become biting and so on. What other parents might consider a tantrum was just a warm up for my guy<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p>2) a major focus on his "triggers" by journaling his behaviors </p><p>3) a major focus on his coping skills once we understood what was setting him off- some adjustment to our parenting to support his individual challenges</p><p>4) keeping him occupied or being sure that he was occupied when we couldn't be watching over him</p><p>5) logical or natural consequences where appropriate</p><p>6) a good counselor who used play therapy to help with defiance</p><p></p><p></p><p>What didn't work:</p><p>1) punitive, authoritarian discipline</p><p>2) permissive parenting- when my son became aggressive, I used only the amount of restraint necessary to stop it immediately. Usually a gentle as possible bear hug to keep him from hitting, biting, head butting. I would whisper calmly as i held him that I allow no one, no exceptions, to hit me- and I would let go only when he's ready to stop being aggressive.</p><p>3) punishing him when he was angry- plenty of time for that when he's calm</p><p>4) forcing time outs when he was in a rage (resulted in major power struggles)</p><p>5) walking on eggshells- he wanted that<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p>6) sticker charts (although they work well for him in the classroom if everyone has one)</p><p></p><p>Coincidentally (or not) my son has some anxiety problems that are slowly becoming apparent. It contributes to meltdowns, obsessive thought patterns, and a controlling nature. A trained counselor should be involved if you suspect an axiety problem. He's also academically advanced which makes him a delight now, and a holy terror when he was your son's age. My son does show some signs of mild ADD which is manageable right now- we don't overload him with multiple instructions and are working with him on techniques for transitioning, scheduling etc.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Angela41, post: 571810, member: 14703"] What concerns me is the lack of connection that you are describing- that he doesn't enjoy much "kid stuff," doesn't display emotion when he's being aggressive, doesn't seem interested in other kids, and doesn't seem at all motivated by reward/consequence (although my son didn't seem too concerned with rewards and consequences at that age). My son was so hard at four. He was highly aggressive with us (parents), defiant, destructive (he would tear his room apart if I tried to make him stay in it), he said mean things, was mischievous, and was defiant (although not aggressive) at preschool. He was angel with babysitters because he had their undivided attention and playtime. I took him to a counselor because his preschool had a hard time managing him, and recommended counseling. Fast forward to six and kindergarten- he is not an angel, but is maturing into an awesome kid. What worked: 1) calm, consistent responses to his unacceptable behaviors- this was hard because my son liked to "up the ante" screaming would become throwing would become hitting would become biting and so on. What other parents might consider a tantrum was just a warm up for my guy:) 2) a major focus on his "triggers" by journaling his behaviors 3) a major focus on his coping skills once we understood what was setting him off- some adjustment to our parenting to support his individual challenges 4) keeping him occupied or being sure that he was occupied when we couldn't be watching over him 5) logical or natural consequences where appropriate 6) a good counselor who used play therapy to help with defiance What didn't work: 1) punitive, authoritarian discipline 2) permissive parenting- when my son became aggressive, I used only the amount of restraint necessary to stop it immediately. Usually a gentle as possible bear hug to keep him from hitting, biting, head butting. I would whisper calmly as i held him that I allow no one, no exceptions, to hit me- and I would let go only when he's ready to stop being aggressive. 3) punishing him when he was angry- plenty of time for that when he's calm 4) forcing time outs when he was in a rage (resulted in major power struggles) 5) walking on eggshells- he wanted that:) 6) sticker charts (although they work well for him in the classroom if everyone has one) Coincidentally (or not) my son has some anxiety problems that are slowly becoming apparent. It contributes to meltdowns, obsessive thought patterns, and a controlling nature. A trained counselor should be involved if you suspect an axiety problem. He's also academically advanced which makes him a delight now, and a holy terror when he was your son's age. My son does show some signs of mild ADD which is manageable right now- we don't overload him with multiple instructions and are working with him on techniques for transitioning, scheduling etc. [/QUOTE]
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4 year old wearing me out... advice needed!
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