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41 year old daughter pregnant
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756462" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Uh Oh. This showed up from the other thread. Coconut is a baby sloth. Apple shared that we can have breakfast with Coconut every morning, at least for now. I did "meet" Coconut but missed having breakfast with her. (I think she's female, but have not verified.) She is quite adorable. In these times I need every friend I can find.</p><p>What's that saying, Blindsided? Trust but verify. I think you are very wise.</p><p></p><p>I believe we can trust, because trust is in us, in our hearts. Trust is safe, if we verify. And that's what you are saying here, I think.</p><p></p><p>What I'm saying here is love and open-heartedness are always good. But not open season. How is it that I was so slow to grasp this? Sometimes there has to be a great distance, even without communication, even life-long, even though there is great love. Even living with the reality that we may never be able to have physical closeness we can sustain love. *This would be the worst case, like what happened with my father. I would hope to g-d for all of us, it never came to this with our children. For me, I want to learn to have ownership of my love, but as Blindsided is modeling for us, the steps to take to establish safety for us, have to be taken by our children, we can't take them. We can only take responsibility to make ourselves safe, and to look to the objective changes our children make, and verify them. And meanwhile hold onto our love and our trust, because those are us. But not serve them up in a silver platter. Until there is sustained safety for us. </p><p></p><p>Somehow all of this has been oh so difficult for me to grasp. I guess because I located myself in my son's life and even his body. </p><p></p><p>I'm realizing lately that my mistrust and fear with loved ones, including my son, came not from their hurting my heart, but from my giving over my heart, without maintaining safety, realistic limits, and without recognizing that the responsibility to protect my heart was mine, not the other's.</p><p></p><p>Yes. I have had people in my life that did not accept responsibility for their behavior or understand or care about the cost of their choices, to me. My son is among them. But where I crashed on the rocks initially was with my family of origin. I needed them. That was the initial confusion with my son. It was not wrong of me to hold back or to cut off communication, even until their death, of a parent who was unsafe to me. But my son is not that.</p><p></p><p>I am trying hard now to see that trusting in itself is a good thing. But I'm seeing now that my trusting would not have been a fault. It never was. The betrayal of our trust is outside of us. The trust is not the culprit. There needs to be, in me, the recognition and responsibility to verify if trustworthiness is present in those around me. This is what I think Blindsided is saying. This is an important conversation for me.</p><p></p><p>If they behaved badly, they are responsible. But I am responsible if I let them in close without verifying over time that there is safety for me. That is exactly what you're saying here. How is it that I am only now getting the concept?</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your post. It's helping me reconcile painful choices of long ago, and to find forgiveness, for myself and for others.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756462, member: 18958"] Uh Oh. This showed up from the other thread. Coconut is a baby sloth. Apple shared that we can have breakfast with Coconut every morning, at least for now. I did "meet" Coconut but missed having breakfast with her. (I think she's female, but have not verified.) She is quite adorable. In these times I need every friend I can find. What's that saying, Blindsided? Trust but verify. I think you are very wise. I believe we can trust, because trust is in us, in our hearts. Trust is safe, if we verify. And that's what you are saying here, I think. What I'm saying here is love and open-heartedness are always good. But not open season. How is it that I was so slow to grasp this? Sometimes there has to be a great distance, even without communication, even life-long, even though there is great love. Even living with the reality that we may never be able to have physical closeness we can sustain love. *This would be the worst case, like what happened with my father. I would hope to g-d for all of us, it never came to this with our children. For me, I want to learn to have ownership of my love, but as Blindsided is modeling for us, the steps to take to establish safety for us, have to be taken by our children, we can't take them. We can only take responsibility to make ourselves safe, and to look to the objective changes our children make, and verify them. And meanwhile hold onto our love and our trust, because those are us. But not serve them up in a silver platter. Until there is sustained safety for us. Somehow all of this has been oh so difficult for me to grasp. I guess because I located myself in my son's life and even his body. I'm realizing lately that my mistrust and fear with loved ones, including my son, came not from their hurting my heart, but from my giving over my heart, without maintaining safety, realistic limits, and without recognizing that the responsibility to protect my heart was mine, not the other's. Yes. I have had people in my life that did not accept responsibility for their behavior or understand or care about the cost of their choices, to me. My son is among them. But where I crashed on the rocks initially was with my family of origin. I needed them. That was the initial confusion with my son. It was not wrong of me to hold back or to cut off communication, even until their death, of a parent who was unsafe to me. But my son is not that. I am trying hard now to see that trusting in itself is a good thing. But I'm seeing now that my trusting would not have been a fault. It never was. The betrayal of our trust is outside of us. The trust is not the culprit. There needs to be, in me, the recognition and responsibility to verify if trustworthiness is present in those around me. This is what I think Blindsided is saying. This is an important conversation for me. If they behaved badly, they are responsible. But I am responsible if I let them in close without verifying over time that there is safety for me. That is exactly what you're saying here. How is it that I am only now getting the concept? Thank you for your post. It's helping me reconcile painful choices of long ago, and to find forgiveness, for myself and for others. [/QUOTE]
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