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General Parenting
5 reasons to stop saying ' Good Job ' - Alfie Kohn
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<blockquote data-quote="helpmehelphim" data-source="post: 15630" data-attributes="member: 2650"><p>Perhaps I'm not understanding some of the posts because it's late and I work most nights, I'm pretty tired but I did want to clarify something. Ross Greene doesn't say anywhere that a parent should give up on accountability or expectations. I made an appointment and waited 10 months to see him. My son and I met with him for a couple of hours. He had read my entire notebook full of medical history as well as my written narrative. He talked a whole lot about expectations and even shared with me his own family information and some of the expectations he has for his kids. He even talks about behavior modification and how it works for many kiddos. He adds that if it doesn't, there are other approaches, with his being one. </p><p></p><p>Greene's approach is about helping kids with cognitive deficits and lagging or blocked skills/pathways. He gives an approach that in the end, can help kids get around those blockages and learn the skills that others were perhaps born with and don't have to learn like language, social, executive functioning and cognitive. I have not found that with my son, I could try and collaborate from the beginning and think that he's going to "get it". It's a process that we do over and over and over. Dr. Greene helped us role play when we were there. One of the main things that I tell my son is this (and Greene told him too):</p><p></p><p>I can help you, I can collaborate with you and share my concerns while listening to yours and I want to do that. I cannot however, do it for you. You have the responsibility of being part of the solution. We are solving problems by finding solutions...I'm not doing that for you. He knows that he has a responsibility to get out of the muck and try. He may feel badly, things may be difficult--they will not change though until he brings his part to the table. </p><p></p><p>I think that is key here. This isn't about me coddling him or being permissive, this is about me trying my best (as we all are) to teach him to take responsibility for himself, his problems, etc. This is about teaching him that regardless of diagnosis or disorder, or deficits, he has a part and a responsibility in living. And Greene freely told him that. Greene works with Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s for goodness sakes and with juvenile justice all over this country and Canada. He has the Center for Collaborative Problem Solving that is part of Boston Medical and Harvard University. </p><p></p><p>His ideas may not work for all kids, but for some, they offer a chance at living and learning how to deal with others and problem solve. The approach has helped my son take more responsibility and accountability (not to mention become more flexible and less frustrated). Someone may be reading this that needs some hope, I know I needed it so badly. And the more options we all give them, the better for them. I just don't want someone to think that Greene is the "easy answer" or the "permissive way". because his approach is not. It's been hard as heck for us...but that's parenting...hard, isn't it?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="helpmehelphim, post: 15630, member: 2650"] Perhaps I'm not understanding some of the posts because it's late and I work most nights, I'm pretty tired but I did want to clarify something. Ross Greene doesn't say anywhere that a parent should give up on accountability or expectations. I made an appointment and waited 10 months to see him. My son and I met with him for a couple of hours. He had read my entire notebook full of medical history as well as my written narrative. He talked a whole lot about expectations and even shared with me his own family information and some of the expectations he has for his kids. He even talks about behavior modification and how it works for many kiddos. He adds that if it doesn't, there are other approaches, with his being one. Greene's approach is about helping kids with cognitive deficits and lagging or blocked skills/pathways. He gives an approach that in the end, can help kids get around those blockages and learn the skills that others were perhaps born with and don't have to learn like language, social, executive functioning and cognitive. I have not found that with my son, I could try and collaborate from the beginning and think that he's going to "get it". It's a process that we do over and over and over. Dr. Greene helped us role play when we were there. One of the main things that I tell my son is this (and Greene told him too): I can help you, I can collaborate with you and share my concerns while listening to yours and I want to do that. I cannot however, do it for you. You have the responsibility of being part of the solution. We are solving problems by finding solutions...I'm not doing that for you. He knows that he has a responsibility to get out of the muck and try. He may feel badly, things may be difficult--they will not change though until he brings his part to the table. I think that is key here. This isn't about me coddling him or being permissive, this is about me trying my best (as we all are) to teach him to take responsibility for himself, his problems, etc. This is about teaching him that regardless of diagnosis or disorder, or deficits, he has a part and a responsibility in living. And Greene freely told him that. Greene works with Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s for goodness sakes and with juvenile justice all over this country and Canada. He has the Center for Collaborative Problem Solving that is part of Boston Medical and Harvard University. His ideas may not work for all kids, but for some, they offer a chance at living and learning how to deal with others and problem solve. The approach has helped my son take more responsibility and accountability (not to mention become more flexible and less frustrated). Someone may be reading this that needs some hope, I know I needed it so badly. And the more options we all give them, the better for them. I just don't want someone to think that Greene is the "easy answer" or the "permissive way". because his approach is not. It's been hard as heck for us...but that's parenting...hard, isn't it? [/QUOTE]
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