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6yr old with possible ODD....I need your help!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 349345" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Usha (and any others with the same question) - "an issue with sticky tags" sounds like sensory integration issues which can also be a factor in a few other conditions, including Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD).</p><p></p><p>Adizziedoll and Natalie, the extreme need to control in these kids, is often because they feel that everything around them is so confusing and anarchic, that they need to limit things and control them in order to begin to make some sense of it all. They can cope better when they can predict better.</p><p></p><p>Do your utmost to not get angry or yell. Always try to stay calm. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat - far from it. But as they can handle it, you calmly lead them to where you want them to be. For example with the cars and him telling you where - try asking him why you can't drive the car to a different place. Don't just take over and do it, just ask him or suggest (gently) and slowly work towards him being a little more flexible. Praise him to choosing to 'take a risk' or try something new. But don't push it if it begins to upset him.</p><p></p><p>As for always being an authority - praise him when he gets it right. But if he states something as 'fact' and you're fairly sure it's not, then try saying, "That is interesting. I didn't know that. I'd like to know more about that - let's go look it up and see what else we can find out about it."</p><p></p><p>When SIL2 moved in with us (a few years ago) he came from a family background where the men especially, bluff a lot (aka lie their heads off to try to impress). We challenged things he said in exactly the way I described - SIL2 would say, "the bloke that wrote that song was having an epileptic fit at the time," or some such nonsense, and we would say, "Really? I was so sure that was a myth. Well, well, you live and learn. Let's go find out more..." and then we would immediately go look it up. If he was right, we'd happily say so. If he was wrong - we'd educate him. Gently.</p><p></p><p>Over time he began to realise that first, he didn't need to try to impress us, that sort of thing made no difference to us. And second, knowledge and information needs to be true, but for us it is currency. The truth is far more important than the person telling us.</p><p></p><p>Of course, we now realise he got this from his dad, who is a major BS artist and sadly, feels a lot of pressure to impress. I've caught his dad out in some outrgeous and totally pointless lies - it really annoys me that hge feels he has to big-note himself to try to impress me. I like his dad, but the lies annoy me a lot. And you can't call him on it, it only makes him need to bluff all the hardrr, it's compulsive lying in his case.</p><p></p><p>In the case of your sons - it is NOT compulsive lying. But it is still a need to control, as well as a need to be certain. He needs knowledge, for him (as for husband & I) knowledge is currency.</p><p></p><p>So when you help him confirm his knowledge and even extend it, and do this with an air of exploration together with him, you are helping him increase his own knowledge base and this boosts his confidence in himself.</p><p></p><p>Do not try to control your child. If you do, you make the problem worse. Instead, work to help him learn self-control. Become his aide, not his warder. He is trying to control everyone and everything around him - if you try to reassert your own control back, it becomes a competition. And even though he's only a child, don't engage in such a competition with him because his focus is always going to be tighter and more directed than yours. You have too many other demands on you. He will always win. So don't engage, then you won't lose. The aim is for you to not lose, and also for him to win.</p><p></p><p>Avoid blame. Avoid competition. Use his intense need to control, to help him learn self-control and better personal organisation. Don't judge, avoid being over-critical. Support. Love. Unconditional love. Spend time with him, let him direct you. That actually makes it easier for you to say at a later stage, "It is now my turn to have you do things my way. I drove the cars the way you wanted, now this is my game. Please help me by doing things this way for now."</p><p>If you did things his way before, it increases your chance of him trying to do it your way.</p><p></p><p>One of the best rewards you can give him, is your time, doing what he wants you to do. This is good currency. It's OK to do this. But use it as a reward to get him to do what you want sometimes too. Trade on it.</p><p></p><p>Keep a diary, take notes, it will help you see progress.</p><p></p><p>With you newbies, I strongly recommend you put your own thread together for yourself, each of you. That way you will get the attention your problem needs personally. Otherwise you can risk getting overlooked, or possibly even hijacking someone else's thread.</p><p></p><p>Also I don't know if it's been said to you - don't use your real names, it is really important to maintain confidentiality. One day you might want to gripe about your child's school, or a relative, or a doctor, or someone else, and if that person knows you're posting in your own name and is worried about what you might say against them, you may feel less able to vent, for fear of being caught out.</p><p></p><p>I had a teacher of difficult child 3's who used to track everything I wrote. I had an article published in a small obscure journal, the article dealt with problems I'd had at the local school (which I carefully did not name). But this teacher got a copy of the article and circulated it round the school. I had not said anything untrue or even exaggerated, she could not have sued me. But it made me feel very uncomfortable to know every word I wrote was being searched out. This teacher was later a big problem for us with difficult child 3, even though she was trying to help him (in her own hamfisted way). There were times I really needed somewhere to vent, big-time, and was glad there was no way this teacher could track me here. I could be a lot freer in what I wanted to say - I only had to dodge the site censor!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 349345, member: 1991"] Usha (and any others with the same question) - "an issue with sticky tags" sounds like sensory integration issues which can also be a factor in a few other conditions, including Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Adizziedoll and Natalie, the extreme need to control in these kids, is often because they feel that everything around them is so confusing and anarchic, that they need to limit things and control them in order to begin to make some sense of it all. They can cope better when they can predict better. Do your utmost to not get angry or yell. Always try to stay calm. That doesn't mean you have to be a doormat - far from it. But as they can handle it, you calmly lead them to where you want them to be. For example with the cars and him telling you where - try asking him why you can't drive the car to a different place. Don't just take over and do it, just ask him or suggest (gently) and slowly work towards him being a little more flexible. Praise him to choosing to 'take a risk' or try something new. But don't push it if it begins to upset him. As for always being an authority - praise him when he gets it right. But if he states something as 'fact' and you're fairly sure it's not, then try saying, "That is interesting. I didn't know that. I'd like to know more about that - let's go look it up and see what else we can find out about it." When SIL2 moved in with us (a few years ago) he came from a family background where the men especially, bluff a lot (aka lie their heads off to try to impress). We challenged things he said in exactly the way I described - SIL2 would say, "the bloke that wrote that song was having an epileptic fit at the time," or some such nonsense, and we would say, "Really? I was so sure that was a myth. Well, well, you live and learn. Let's go find out more..." and then we would immediately go look it up. If he was right, we'd happily say so. If he was wrong - we'd educate him. Gently. Over time he began to realise that first, he didn't need to try to impress us, that sort of thing made no difference to us. And second, knowledge and information needs to be true, but for us it is currency. The truth is far more important than the person telling us. Of course, we now realise he got this from his dad, who is a major BS artist and sadly, feels a lot of pressure to impress. I've caught his dad out in some outrgeous and totally pointless lies - it really annoys me that hge feels he has to big-note himself to try to impress me. I like his dad, but the lies annoy me a lot. And you can't call him on it, it only makes him need to bluff all the hardrr, it's compulsive lying in his case. In the case of your sons - it is NOT compulsive lying. But it is still a need to control, as well as a need to be certain. He needs knowledge, for him (as for husband & I) knowledge is currency. So when you help him confirm his knowledge and even extend it, and do this with an air of exploration together with him, you are helping him increase his own knowledge base and this boosts his confidence in himself. Do not try to control your child. If you do, you make the problem worse. Instead, work to help him learn self-control. Become his aide, not his warder. He is trying to control everyone and everything around him - if you try to reassert your own control back, it becomes a competition. And even though he's only a child, don't engage in such a competition with him because his focus is always going to be tighter and more directed than yours. You have too many other demands on you. He will always win. So don't engage, then you won't lose. The aim is for you to not lose, and also for him to win. Avoid blame. Avoid competition. Use his intense need to control, to help him learn self-control and better personal organisation. Don't judge, avoid being over-critical. Support. Love. Unconditional love. Spend time with him, let him direct you. That actually makes it easier for you to say at a later stage, "It is now my turn to have you do things my way. I drove the cars the way you wanted, now this is my game. Please help me by doing things this way for now." If you did things his way before, it increases your chance of him trying to do it your way. One of the best rewards you can give him, is your time, doing what he wants you to do. This is good currency. It's OK to do this. But use it as a reward to get him to do what you want sometimes too. Trade on it. Keep a diary, take notes, it will help you see progress. With you newbies, I strongly recommend you put your own thread together for yourself, each of you. That way you will get the attention your problem needs personally. Otherwise you can risk getting overlooked, or possibly even hijacking someone else's thread. Also I don't know if it's been said to you - don't use your real names, it is really important to maintain confidentiality. One day you might want to gripe about your child's school, or a relative, or a doctor, or someone else, and if that person knows you're posting in your own name and is worried about what you might say against them, you may feel less able to vent, for fear of being caught out. I had a teacher of difficult child 3's who used to track everything I wrote. I had an article published in a small obscure journal, the article dealt with problems I'd had at the local school (which I carefully did not name). But this teacher got a copy of the article and circulated it round the school. I had not said anything untrue or even exaggerated, she could not have sued me. But it made me feel very uncomfortable to know every word I wrote was being searched out. This teacher was later a big problem for us with difficult child 3, even though she was trying to help him (in her own hamfisted way). There were times I really needed somewhere to vent, big-time, and was glad there was no way this teacher could track me here. I could be a lot freer in what I wanted to say - I only had to dodge the site censor! Marg [/QUOTE]
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