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8 year old hates me and my new life, boyfriend etc
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 110700" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Go Sox, </p><p></p><p>(I have to chuckle, old time board member here - and longer time sock snob) some would say I have sock issues but I say special socks for special feet. lol </p><p></p><p>As I grow older I realize that I made some mistakes in raising my son. You define some however you want. </p><p></p><p>Children with disorders like my son live to conquer. If they can divide and conquer? BONUS! If they can split parents and partners up? FULL TILT, bells, whistles, and then eventually - fallout from the actual split. It does happen, parents become overwhelmed. </p><p></p><p>When you go to therapy - do you ask yourself "Am I going here because of MY shortcomings or am I coming here to validate that I am correct, there is really nothing wrong with me that maybe 3 or 4 visits tops will cure? I laugh now because I remember thinking to myself - okay in one month I will solve ALL my problems as to why I make the choices I do. </p><p></p><p>It took more than a month for me to understand what I was even DOING. I never really thought about it - but ALL my boyfriends had been abusive in one way or another, lying, cheating, hitting. And I thought - MY GOSH I just attract them like moths to a flame. And then I met my now x - and realized that in picking a sociopath to marry - I had topped my own worst nightmare. </p><p></p><p>I got out of that relationship - like you did. And I stayed single for a long time. I had interests but no one met my son. And the one fella I thought was sooo nice - ended up trying to kill me and was schizophrenic. He went to the psychiatric hospital - I went back to the psychiatrist. I remember saying "WHY do these men always find me?" and the doctor saying "They don't find you - you seek them out because you have no self esteem." I was furious. Me no self esteem? I had plenty - I can do anything! and thats when the psychiatrist said 'You my dear have self confidence' NOT the same as self esteem. </p><p></p><p>When I learned the difference - I actually WANTED to keep going and learn about me, make me a better person, a better Mom, and what may have made me like I was. WHY did I allow those things to happen? I had a great child hood? BUT....I stayed in my marriage for 13 years, with a son for 5 1/2 the day I left. </p><p></p><p>What I got out of therapy was that IF I continued to feel guilty or try to be my sons best friend to make up for no dad - it was worse on him. I did neither of us any favors. To this day when I hear parents out in public make requests of their children and then follow with OKAY? OKAY JONATHAN? OKAY? I want to scream!!!! Not all of us are born to parent - but we can learn to communicate in a healthy state with our children - and thus stop some behaviors BEFORE they start because we ARE the PARENTS. </p><p></p><p>I did the same Okay okay Dude? think and now would like to kick myself. I learned that I'm the parent. I don't have to debate my request with a child - I say it - It's done. Not "Take out the trash after supper......OKAY?? I was GIVING him a choice and didn't even know it. I mean what IF he came back and said "NO mom - not okay, not taking it out tonight!" But then I say "Just take it out NOW." = OH boy NOW is a trigger word. When all along I could have avoided the whole thing by knowing to say "Dude, after dinner you can choose to take out the trash or put the laundry up." Or simply "Dude - take the trash out." No please, no okay - just DO IT. Be the parent. </p><p></p><p>Also - know this - difficult child's can sniff out guilt like I can sniff out a good cup of coffee - when they smell it on you? YOU ARE SUNK. So get off the USS sinking ship and keep plugging away at things like reading books on how to effectively communicate with your kids. It's like someone handed us the manual to a talking to a child. You can ask your psychiatrist or google it. You won't regret it. </p><p></p><p>And keep going = I am finally done after 11 years - and could probably still benefit from going to psychiatrist, but I did get some mad skillz to help myself and most days I'm okay. </p><p></p><p>If getting out of an abusive marriage where children either become their father to their mates OR don't - aren't you glad you lessened the 50/50 chance a little? </p><p></p><p>Searching out this board for help for your daughter - no guilt. </p><p></p><p>You can do it - it will just take time and I promise when you are done - you'll be a better person for yourself and your kids for life - No guilt there either. </p><p></p><p>Also ask your psychiatrist about positive affirmations. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 110700, member: 4964"] Go Sox, (I have to chuckle, old time board member here - and longer time sock snob) some would say I have sock issues but I say special socks for special feet. lol As I grow older I realize that I made some mistakes in raising my son. You define some however you want. Children with disorders like my son live to conquer. If they can divide and conquer? BONUS! If they can split parents and partners up? FULL TILT, bells, whistles, and then eventually - fallout from the actual split. It does happen, parents become overwhelmed. When you go to therapy - do you ask yourself "Am I going here because of MY shortcomings or am I coming here to validate that I am correct, there is really nothing wrong with me that maybe 3 or 4 visits tops will cure? I laugh now because I remember thinking to myself - okay in one month I will solve ALL my problems as to why I make the choices I do. It took more than a month for me to understand what I was even DOING. I never really thought about it - but ALL my boyfriends had been abusive in one way or another, lying, cheating, hitting. And I thought - MY GOSH I just attract them like moths to a flame. And then I met my now x - and realized that in picking a sociopath to marry - I had topped my own worst nightmare. I got out of that relationship - like you did. And I stayed single for a long time. I had interests but no one met my son. And the one fella I thought was sooo nice - ended up trying to kill me and was schizophrenic. He went to the psychiatric hospital - I went back to the psychiatrist. I remember saying "WHY do these men always find me?" and the doctor saying "They don't find you - you seek them out because you have no self esteem." I was furious. Me no self esteem? I had plenty - I can do anything! and thats when the psychiatrist said 'You my dear have self confidence' NOT the same as self esteem. When I learned the difference - I actually WANTED to keep going and learn about me, make me a better person, a better Mom, and what may have made me like I was. WHY did I allow those things to happen? I had a great child hood? BUT....I stayed in my marriage for 13 years, with a son for 5 1/2 the day I left. What I got out of therapy was that IF I continued to feel guilty or try to be my sons best friend to make up for no dad - it was worse on him. I did neither of us any favors. To this day when I hear parents out in public make requests of their children and then follow with OKAY? OKAY JONATHAN? OKAY? I want to scream!!!! Not all of us are born to parent - but we can learn to communicate in a healthy state with our children - and thus stop some behaviors BEFORE they start because we ARE the PARENTS. I did the same Okay okay Dude? think and now would like to kick myself. I learned that I'm the parent. I don't have to debate my request with a child - I say it - It's done. Not "Take out the trash after supper......OKAY?? I was GIVING him a choice and didn't even know it. I mean what IF he came back and said "NO mom - not okay, not taking it out tonight!" But then I say "Just take it out NOW." = OH boy NOW is a trigger word. When all along I could have avoided the whole thing by knowing to say "Dude, after dinner you can choose to take out the trash or put the laundry up." Or simply "Dude - take the trash out." No please, no okay - just DO IT. Be the parent. Also - know this - difficult child's can sniff out guilt like I can sniff out a good cup of coffee - when they smell it on you? YOU ARE SUNK. So get off the USS sinking ship and keep plugging away at things like reading books on how to effectively communicate with your kids. It's like someone handed us the manual to a talking to a child. You can ask your psychiatrist or google it. You won't regret it. And keep going = I am finally done after 11 years - and could probably still benefit from going to psychiatrist, but I did get some mad skillz to help myself and most days I'm okay. If getting out of an abusive marriage where children either become their father to their mates OR don't - aren't you glad you lessened the 50/50 chance a little? Searching out this board for help for your daughter - no guilt. You can do it - it will just take time and I promise when you are done - you'll be a better person for yourself and your kids for life - No guilt there either. Also ask your psychiatrist about positive affirmations. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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