Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A Disturbing Phone Call
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756790" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear John</p><p></p><p>First, welcome to you. Second, there is a great deal of wisdom in your post. Third, so much of what you express is common to my own situation and that of many of us. </p><p></p><p>I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. </p><p></p><p>These quotes hit home for me, unfortunately:Okay. What you have said above is the common ground we share. Please let me share what I know:A common attribute of nearly all of our adult children is this. That they define support in terms of what they want. Typically what they want is money, or housing, or bail, or visits to jail, etc. Maybe all of us are that way. We feel supported only if the support addresses where we feel vulnerable. And we feel lack and want in the places and spaces that hurt because we feel we don't have the resources to fix them. Where we are broken. </p><p></p><p>But it is exactly in these places where our growth can occur. We are mirror images of our children. There is the potential for growth through this for us too. And the growth is exactly in the places where we feel such unendurable pain. </p><p></p><p>Our growth comes from resisting solving things for our children, and coming to have the courage and strength to bear our own pain. In my own experience, there is no other way through this. To hold steady with ourselves and to learn to salve these deep deep wounds of our own. That is the healing. For us.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard, hard thing to accept that these adults who are at the same time our children, our babies, are responsible for their own healing. And as responsible for their own healing they are responsible to suffer the pain and the deep brokenness, from which it will arise.</p><p></p><p>But if we are able to do that, we can give them the gift to feel. And this feeling is the terrain from which this healing may arise. We can give this gift to ourselves too. in my own experience there is no other way to conceptualize this, than spiritual ground.Good! Any spiritual path involves a discipline, a practice. I am speaking here about us. There is a training here for us, to choose to see and to acknowledge the good, the gifts. His working for these days is a real gift! Your suffering with this, and holding it in your own heart as opposed to fixing things for your son, is allowing him to heal himself. And in a sense, this agony for you, however horrible it feels, is the ground to heal yourself, and myself, too.The thing is this: How can we know? The knowing has to come from our children about themselves, about their own lives.</p><p></p><p>There are times and places in life, where "not knowing" is the most powerful place to stand. But this is not to discount how hard it is. Every parent here knows this and shares this with you. That is one gift of this place.</p><p></p><p>Parents here hold each others' hands, while we hold back as our children, now adults, heal, and learn. Over time, approximating better and better decisions, in their lives. In my own experience the only way they can learn to decide better is to have the opportunity to do so. And that requires us to step back. To turn the focus upon ourselves. Our own healing.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your post. I hope you can stay with us here. It helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756790, member: 18958"] Dear John First, welcome to you. Second, there is a great deal of wisdom in your post. Third, so much of what you express is common to my own situation and that of many of us. I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. These quotes hit home for me, unfortunately:Okay. What you have said above is the common ground we share. Please let me share what I know:A common attribute of nearly all of our adult children is this. That they define support in terms of what they want. Typically what they want is money, or housing, or bail, or visits to jail, etc. Maybe all of us are that way. We feel supported only if the support addresses where we feel vulnerable. And we feel lack and want in the places and spaces that hurt because we feel we don't have the resources to fix them. Where we are broken. But it is exactly in these places where our growth can occur. We are mirror images of our children. There is the potential for growth through this for us too. And the growth is exactly in the places where we feel such unendurable pain. Our growth comes from resisting solving things for our children, and coming to have the courage and strength to bear our own pain. In my own experience, there is no other way through this. To hold steady with ourselves and to learn to salve these deep deep wounds of our own. That is the healing. For us. It is a hard, hard thing to accept that these adults who are at the same time our children, our babies, are responsible for their own healing. And as responsible for their own healing they are responsible to suffer the pain and the deep brokenness, from which it will arise. But if we are able to do that, we can give them the gift to feel. And this feeling is the terrain from which this healing may arise. We can give this gift to ourselves too. in my own experience there is no other way to conceptualize this, than spiritual ground.Good! Any spiritual path involves a discipline, a practice. I am speaking here about us. There is a training here for us, to choose to see and to acknowledge the good, the gifts. His working for these days is a real gift! Your suffering with this, and holding it in your own heart as opposed to fixing things for your son, is allowing him to heal himself. And in a sense, this agony for you, however horrible it feels, is the ground to heal yourself, and myself, too.The thing is this: How can we know? The knowing has to come from our children about themselves, about their own lives. There are times and places in life, where "not knowing" is the most powerful place to stand. But this is not to discount how hard it is. Every parent here knows this and shares this with you. That is one gift of this place. Parents here hold each others' hands, while we hold back as our children, now adults, heal, and learn. Over time, approximating better and better decisions, in their lives. In my own experience the only way they can learn to decide better is to have the opportunity to do so. And that requires us to step back. To turn the focus upon ourselves. Our own healing. Thank you for your post. I hope you can stay with us here. It helps. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A Disturbing Phone Call
Top